Peace with Inches...

"Do a Little Dance"

2011-05-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

The legendary British distance runner Jack Lovelock once stated, "I have now learned better than to have my races dictated by the public and the press, so I did not throw away a certain championship merely to amuse the crowd and be spectacular." I, however, am going to respectfully disagree with Jack on this one. Yes, winning is extremely important, but what's the point if (a) nobody notices your triumph, and (b) your opponent doesn't feel totally humiliated after you defeat him? After all, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't know the answer to that stupid question, because I don't spend much time in the boring forest. However, given the choice, which tree would you rather be: The isolated one in nature that nobody cares about or the one that falls on an unsuspecting double-wide after some hillbilly tries to saw it down? I think we can all agree that if we were trees, the second option would be the preferred way to go.

That is why Puma chooses to win with some "tasteful" (more or less) flare. After the race is over, the other competitors undoubtedly know that their sad and pathetic lives were forever rocked by the one and only Puma. Then, to really rub their nose in it, I like to pile on the misery with some hauntingly spectacular victory dances. I have countless numbers of celebrations at my personal disposal. They have been perfected over the years and have crushed many a soul.

At this point, you are probably wondering how you can develop your own spectacular celebratory rituals. Well the formula looks something like this:

To conclude this post, I included some of the greatest victory celebrations of all time to help inspire your own efforts:

1) Soccer Hooligans -- The redeeming quality of this celebration is the ridiculousness. The other team should definitely feel bad about letting this team of idiots score a goal against them. They very clearly spend all of their practice time rehearsing mildly homoerotic victory celebrations.

However, they can't all be winners. Here is the same soccer team, but they definitely missed the mark on this one. A couple of questions come to mind: (1) Who thought this was a good idea? (2) Who says "yes" when a teammate asks him to pretend to be a toilet?

2) Gridiron Greats -- "If you don't like us dancing don't let us get in the endzone."

3) Drop It Like It's Hot -- When you put this much thought and preparation into your victory celebration, you better make damn sure you win. Otherwise, you'll be the loser who just got doused with a fire extinguisher for no gosh darn reason.

4) Ping Pong Prancer -- I'm sure you've probably seen this clip, but it ranks as one of the best ever. It gets extra points for both the short-shorts and the copious amounts of pelvic thrusts. By the end of the clip you don't ever care that the guy is down 10-1 and that, my friends, is the true victory.

A Glimpse of Greatness

2011-05-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

…And we’re back. I apologize for skipping last Friday’s post, but sometimes pesky responsibilities can get in the way of even the most irresponsible people.

Last week, I noted that my training program for the Long Beach marathon started recently, despite the fact that the race is over 5 months away. Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into the very complex and technical running schedule I use to prepare for my marathons. However, before we dive into the specifics, I must first convey the mythical origins of the Puma’s highly-coveted training program, commonly referred to as “The Run-etta Stone”:

It was a cold and stormy knight, and a twenty-one year old Puma had just finished zipping up his footy pajamas. He was sleepy from his long day of arts and crafts activities, so he climbed into his plastic race car bed in the hopes of getting a good night’s sleep. After he laid his head upon his pillow and pulled his Jurassic Park bed sheet up to his chin, he closed his eyes and quickly fell fast asleep.

With his long legs dangling over the end of the tiny, yet totally age-appropriate bed, Puma suddenly drifted off into a mysterious dream world. When he came to, the pajama-clad Puma found himself on top of snowy mountain peak. Though confused and a little bit hungry, Puma forged forward, looking for any possible signs of life. As he climbed down the rocky mountainside, the bewildered hero stumbled upon a deep cave with a faint light emanating from within. Thinking there might be a shiny and entertaining object in the cave, Puma courageously entered the intimidating hollow (that's what he said).

As he drove deeper into the cavern, the light grew brighter and brighter. The glow finally grew so bright that Puma had to avert his eyes from the overpowering glare. Lucky for Puma, however, he always keeps a pair of Elton John-style sunglasses in his pajama pockets, so he dramatically placed his kickin’ shades on his face and continued toward the shimmering object.

When he finally gazed upon his target, Puma was amazed to find a tattered and torn book illuminated by a Star Wars nightlight. On top of the book was a scribbled note:

Dear ~~Chewbacca~~ Puma,

I bestow upon you this epic training guide to help you on your quest for endurance greatness. Follow this program closely, and you shall be victorious, just like that time we brought down the Empire with nothing but a tribe of furry teddy bears wielding sharp sticks. How weird was that?

By the way, Luke has been a real prick since he became a Jedi, and Princess Leia is constantly nagging me these days. It’s all “nerfherder this” and nerfherder that.” What the hell does that even mean?! Anyways, heed the teachings of this guide and you'll make point five passed lightspeed before you know it.

He'd kick the crap out
of your lame spirit
guide.
Your Spirit Guide,

Han Solo

P.S. How hilarious was it when that tin can, Boba Fett, got eaten by that sand monster? He was all, “No, don’t eat me, AAAAARG!” Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. That a-hole can suck it!

Just as Puma finished reading the note, he woke up in his familiar race car bed. At first he thought the whole thing was a dream, but then, to his amazement, Puma discovered that someone had both slipped the tattered training guide under his pillow and soiled his pajamas while he was sleeping.

The End?

Now, without further ado, here is a glimpse of my top-secret training guide:

My Bad...

2011-04-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

The Puma was a little swamped this week, so he postponed his next post until Tuesday. He did however, provide this montage of piñata bloopers for his loyal readers. I'm not sure what it has to be with endurance training, but it is hilarious. This video is a tribute to the innovators who thought it would be a good idea to blindfold someone and then give them a blunt object to swing wildly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, piñata inventors.

Enough words, let's watch people getting hit with sticks!

Long Beach Bound

2011-04-26T07:01:00.000-07:00


Coincidentally, this brings me a very valid, yet completely unrelated point: Don't pick up hitchhikers. Do you really want someone that even Greyhound Lines deemed untransportable in your car?

For those of you who are keeping track, the Long Beach Marathon is a mere 165 days away. Wait, is that right? 165 days? Well, it’s a good thing the Puma has the will and determination of…uh…well…something that has really strong will and determination…because he also has the attention span of…ooooohhh, shiny!…

(97 minutes later)

And I’m back. Sorry for the interruption, folks. We here at Peace With Inches just encountered some…uh…technical difficulties…

Yes, that will cover up nicely. The nincompoops reading this will never suspect that I was just distracted by a piece of tinfoil. To tell you the truth, I’m still not convinced the majority of them can read. I think they’ve just been coming to this site for the bright colors and pretty pictures.

What’s that? I’m typing every thought that comes to my mind, you say? Crap. Well, I don’t believe in editing, so just leave it in there. Maybe we can pass it off as a belated April Fools joke. Yeah, I bet those gullible suckers would fall for that. What? I’m still doing it? S#!t! I blame this on lack of adequate supervision. You know I can’t be trusted with technology.

This is some weather we’ve been having in our respective cities, huh? Diversion achieved.

Anyways, if my math is correct (it's usually not), the Long Beach Marathon is a little over five months away. This may seem like a long time to some, but with the ever-growing popularity of endurance racing, runners must commit to these events almost a full year in advance to ensure a spot at the starting line. While it’s somewhat of a gamble to pay non-refundable entrance fees months in advance, financially committing to the endeavor serves as a yet another motivator on your quest to complete a marathon.

So it's with fresh legs and laser-focus that the Puma begins training in earnest for his next challenge. If he's going to achieve his ambitious goals, "Vanilla Thunder" (okay, nobody calls me this...yet) is going to need to make the most of all 165 days. Consider this post an introduction to the journey that lies ahead. Friday's entry will cover the Puma's training program building towards to the marathon.

Now, for no apparent reason whatsoever, I will get back to the hitchhiking point I made in the caption above. Seriously, don't pick up hitchhikers, because they are all like this, except less hilarious (though the hitchhiker's [Harland Williams] murderous level is about right):

Puma Solves Your Problems, Episode 1

2011-04-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid question." I, however, see that statement as a challenge. If a truly stupid question does exist somewhere in the world, I vow to discover and ask it at the most inappropriate time possible. I'll let you know how this quest progresses, but today's post isn't about me. It's about you, the loyal reader.

As promised, "The Puma" will reach deep into his mailbag (not to be confused with Puma's "male bag") and answer your questions. To commemorate this momentous occasion, I asked the two most iconic mailmen ever to be here. Unfortunately, I could only get these guys to show up:

So without further ado, I give you episode 1 of the new segment, "Puma Solves Your Problems":

1. GM asks “Did any role models help inspire you to reach undiscovered levels of endurance awesomeness?”

A: Short answer = NO. Long Answer = HELL TO THE NO.

2. On a related topic, BK asks “Is it weird to you that while Chuck Norris is the idol of many, only you are the idol of Chuck Norris?”

A: Yes, it is true that Chuck Norris does in fact idolize the one known as “The Puma,” but I try to distance myself from Walker Texas Ranger whenever possible. It’s my personal belief that Mr. Norris is a turkey of the jive variety.

3. Random Police Officer asks “Seriously sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

A: What are you, the pants police? Don’t worry about it.

4. BK also asks “Have you ever had to purchase flame-retardant running shoes to keep yourself from catching fire as you set a blistering pace?”

A: Very good question. My shoes usually melt off my feet around mile three, but I have a crack team of NASA scientists working on the issue…and by “crack team of NASA scientists,” I mean a high school Chemistry student wearing a lab coat…and by "a lab coat," I mean a SpongeBob SquarePants sweatshirt. Come to think of it, I’m not sure that kid was in high school. Who the hell did I give my shoes to?

5. PF asks “In an earlier post, you mentioned that a runner should gauge their fitness level before training seriously. Do you have some sort of rating system?”

A: I’m glad you asked. Here is The Puma’s very scientific fitnessometer:

6. RO asks “Puma, I don’t have much luck with the ladies. If I start running, will I be more attractive to the opposite sex?

A: Opposite sex. Same sex. Hell, even the more intelligent monkey species are going to want you. You will, quite literally, be fighting them off with a stick (stick pictured at right). It’s important to remember, however, that it doesn’t matter who makes the first move, hugging a monkey will still get you kicked out of the zoo.

7. FH asks Does this look infected to you?

A: I’m not sure you truly understand how this segment works. I can’t actually see you right now, so any guess would be a wild stab in the dark. General rule of thumb though: If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.

8. JA asks “If an evil scientist stole some of your DNA and cloned an evil version of you, could you beat the “Evil Puma” in a race?

A: An evil version of myself? I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t have one of those…anymore. But to answer your question, I would win every time. While “Evil Puma” and I are equally matched physically, he would waste time pouring sugar into people’s gas tanks and stealing candy from babies (which is harder than it looks…er…or so I’ve heard).

Well, that wraps up today's segment. I'm sorry if I didn't get to your question, but don't worry, I'll most likely answer it in the next installment of "Puma Solves Your Problems." Remember, you can submit your questions anytime by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com. Tune in next Tuesday for a thrilling update of Puma's current training program.

The Puma's Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race

2011-04-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure if you’ve looked at a calendar lately, but we are rapidly approaching Easter Sunday (or as my friends of other religions know it, “Zombie Jesus Day”). Growing up, Easter was my favorite holiday because it inexplicably combines two of my deepest passions…delicious candy and heated competition.

Coloring by MM

However, for the past 15 years or so, rather than feel excitement or joy when I wake up early Easter morning, I’m filled with disappointment and despair. At this point you may be wondering why Puma has turned into Debby Downer all of a sudden. The solution to that little riddle can be summed up in three words: NO EGG HUNT

That’s right, apparently that a-hole known as “society” deems it inappropriate for an adult to frolic around a garden, searching for colorful plastic eggs containing candy and pocket change. Well, I for one will stand tall and say NO MORE! For too long have children unfairly monopolized this enjoyable and fulfilling activity! For too long have I missed the feeling of exhilaration one gets during a charge towards a hidden egg (not to mention the feeling of smug satisfaction one gets from pushing a competitor out of the way)! Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived! It’s time to take egg hunts back! [insert standing ovation here]

“But Puma, how will you ever achieve this lofty goal?!” First of all, hysterics aren’t going to help the situation, so calm down, pal. I’ve already got this whole thing planned out. We'll start the movement with an adults-only egg hunt with a little bit of an endurance running twist. Picture the most fun you've ever had in your life. Now multiply that by infinity, and you will be somewhere in the ballpark of how much fun you'll have at this event.

Now, without further ado, I introduce you to “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.” All who are legally allowed to consume alcohol are welcome!

Here is an explanation of how the competition is going to work:

The Basics

The race consists of a 5k-racecourse with numerous eggs (filled with all types of candy, loose change and drink coupons) hidden throughout the course.

To start, the event coordinator will fire a shotgun (yes it must be a shotgun) into the air, and all competitors will begin.

All competitors will be timed until completion of the 5k-course and must finish the full distance to receive an official result.

The time it takes the competitor to complete the course is deemed the “unadjusted time.”

The Twist

The plastic eggs will be three different pastel colors: green, blue, and yellow. For each egg that a competitor finds and maintains control of (you must still have the eggs in your possession) across the finish line, the competitor will receive a time deduction off their “unadjusted time.”

Green Eggs = 5 second deduction
Blue Eggs = 10 second deduction
Yellow Eggs = 30 second deduction

At the end of the race, eggs will be counted and time will be deducted from the “unadjusted time”. The resulting number will be known as the “Official Race Time.”

The Kicker

To add even more excitement, “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race” will incorporate one of the most beloved children’s game of all time: tag. There will be someone dressed as an Easter Bunny chasing after competitors.

If the Easter Bunny tags a competitor, they must sacrifice one of their eggs.

If the competitor does not have an egg at the time they are tagged, they will be forced to sit for one minute in the “Porto-potty of Shame.”

The Glory

The Grand Prize (still to be determined) will be awarded to the competitor with the lowest “Official Race Time.”

Additional prizes will be awarded to:

The competitor with the fasted “unadjusted time.”

The competitor who collects the most eggs.

The Festivities

At the end of the race, competitors can cash in their drink coupons for booze and chow down on their copious amount of candy.

So there you have it. This is Puma’s foolproof plan to take back egg hunts. We can finally enjoy the exhilaration of discovering hidden eggs without having to worry about the parents of weeping children (cry babies) beating us up or calling the cops.

While it is a little too late to organize the event this year, stay tuned to Peace With Inches for details on future events, including the Inaugural “Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”

I think I just rose to the top of this cat's "People to Kill" List.

Puma's Illustrated Guide to Cross-Training

2011-04-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

Do you love and appreciate the Peace With Inches blog posts, but have a hard time reading all of those confusing words? Well, fret no more you semi-literate heathen, because today’s entry, which covers the value of cross-training, is dominated by easy to comprehend visual aids! The pie chart below illustrates this post's ratio of words to pictures,

...Whoops, wrong pie chart. This is the one I meant to show you:

Cross-training can be a useful tool in the endurance runner’s tool belt. It’s not as useful as a powerful electric drill or bad-ass hammer, but it's definitely better than that stupid flathead screwdriver nobody ever uses. First, a runner can keep their exercise routine interesting by adding some variety. Second, if cross-training is done properly, it can also help a runner avoid injuries. Biking and swimming are probably the two most common exercises that runners incorporate into their weekly workout routine, but I like to spice things up a bit. For a thrill-seeking athlete like Puma, pumping his legs on a Big Wheel and splashing around in the water is boring as hell. Here are a few of my challenging cross-training exercises:

Bear Fighting


He may he smarter than the average bear, but I'm crazier and more violent than the average human.

Shark Punching

Don't feel bad for him. I'm pretty sure that shark is racist.

Simultaneous Cycling & Weightlifting

You get the gist.

I also like to engage in the occasional knife fight with Chuck Norris (not pictured), but that's just for fun, not sport.

Remember to send your questions to peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com for the upcoming "Puma Solves Your Problems" segment. So far, the most common questions have been "Who are you?" and "How did you get in here?"

Picture Show Night With Puma

2011-04-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what the Puma thinks of motion pictures that prominently feature running? NO?! Well too bad, jerk! He’s going to tell you anyway! So grab some popcorn, take a seat, and try that classy “yawn and stretch” move on your significant other, because the inaugural Peace With Inches movie review is coming at you…right now!

Before diving into the insightful critique, I’ll describe the advanced rating scale with which I will judge all movies. Using a very complex and well-thought-out formula that accounts for (1) storyline, (2) overarching themes, (3) subplots, (4) dialogue, (5) cinematography, (6) actor performances, (7) actor attractiveness, (8) amount of nudity, (9) number of explosions, (10) inclusion of talking animals, (11) whether the cast includes Christopher Walken, (12) number of training montages, and finally, (13) whether I’m hungry at the time, I give the movie one of five possible designations. From best to worst, these designations are:

1) The Last Crusade

2) Raiders of the Lost Ark

3) The Temple of Doom

4) Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

...and finally...

5) MacGruber

The first four designations are based on my rankings of the Indiana Jones series, and the last one is a 2-minute SNL skit that someone stretched into an hour and half torture session, losing 1.5 million dollars in the process. It’s with this scaling method in mind that I’ll begin my review of today’s movie, Run Fatboy Run.

Run Fatboy Run (2008)

If you’ve ever fantasized about an unfit Simon Pegg running a marathon in a pair short-shorts and a “National Erectile Dysfunction Awareness” t-shirt, then you sir, need to seriously reassess what you're doing with your life. However, this is the memorable image that one is left with after watching the sincere comedy, Run Fatboy Run.

Dennis Doyle (Pegg) making sweet, sweet love to
that stationary bike. He said he would call
afterwards, but never did.

In the movie, down-on-his-luck Dennis Doyle (played by Pegg) is an unfit security guard who spends most his days chasing down lingerie-thieving transvestites. It’s not until his baby-mama (whom he left at the alter five years earlier) enters into a serious relationship with first class a-hole, Patches O’ Houlihan (Hank Azaria), that Doyle attempts to break out of his rut. In a last-ditch effort to show the woman he loves (Thandie Newton) that he can change, the lovable bloke vows to complete a marathon. Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get whackier, some other stuff happens…moving on.

First of all, I appreciate that the main character in this movie runs a marathon to both gain respect AND stick it to his romantic rival. Deep down, both you and I know that the greatest achievements in this world are always fueled by spite and vindictiveness. It’s like I always say, what’s the point of doing something if you can’t rub it in another person’s face later? But I digress.

The movie follows Doyle closely as he battles both his inner demons and his outer flabbiness in an effort to gain the respect and adoration of his former bride-to-be. Directed by David Schwimmer (yes, the whiny guy from Friends), Run Fatboy Run also tries to depict some of the physical and mental challenges that an endurance runner faces when competing in a marathon. Chaffing and blisters make prominent cameos during the movie, and Doyle ultimately stands toe-to-toe with “The Wall,” the dreaded mental block that constantly threatens to foil even the most ambitious of racers. This climatic scene, however, lacks any subtlety, making the portrayal more cheesy than illuminating, but this minor flaw is only offensive to the most serious of runners.

Overall, Run Fatboy Run is a fun and lighthearted movie that both runners and non-runners can appreciate. Simon Pegg’s heartwarming performance more than makes up for the movie’s lack of explosions and talking animals, and the witty dialogue (at least the lines I could understand) keeps the movie flowing at a entertaining pace. Therefore, the movie receives a rating of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

The absence of Christopher Walken and the fact that the only nudity in the movie is a pale-British man’s keister dropped Run Fatboy Run from the upper echelon of motion pictures, but it still finishes in the "Above Average" category. So add it to your Netflix queue, because while the movie won’t blow you away, it’s not like you have anything better to do.

Puma v. The Cubicle

2011-04-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you’re anything like my parents, you’ve probably read this blog and thought to yourself, “This Puma fellow has way too much time on his hands,” and also “I’m pretty sure the doctor gave us the wrong baby when we left hospital” (Now that I think about it, this one might be unique to Mom and Dad). Well, up to two days ago, you would have been correct. A little background is probably appropriate here.

Justice may be blind, but at least
she has a kick-ass sword. That's an
adequate substitute for eyesight.

While I don’t like to discuss my life outside the realm of endurance training and competition, a quick summary of my professional experience is appropriate to today’s topic: balancing work and exercise.

Last year, I graduated from a top-tier law school with a very respectable GPA and passed the California Bar Exam (despite computer sabotage!), which, in this economic climate, is apparently worth diddly-squat. While fruitlessly pursuing permanent employment positions, I resorted to working as a Contract Attorney on temporary litigation projects whenever possible, because, well, I’ve grown accustomed to living indoors. When I launched Peace With Inches (you’re welcome, by the way), I’d just wrapped up a 3-month project and possessed some newly discovered free time. That luxury, however, has given way to the need to purchase food and keep a roof over my head. So watch out Lady Justice, because Puma just suited up (see: clipped on a piano key necktie), and he's going to rock that blindfold right off your face!

Like the majority of this blog’s readers (who are currently skimming this post at work), I now have to find time for my extensive endurance training while working at least 40 hours a week. Unfortunately, this means that I’ll be waking up between 5 and 6 a.m. most weekdays to workout. This may seem like an ungodly hour to many of you, but to me, that sounds a whole hell-of-a-lot better than working out at 7 o’clock p.m. after putting in a full day of work. This is my personal preference, because I like to relax and decompress after work (see: take a bubble bath in the candlelight and enjoy a good cry…”I did my best!”)

Here are some quick tips for finding some balance between work and training:

· Set a firm schedule—If your workouts are written down in your calendar, you will be less likely to blow them off. In addition, you'll feel a slight twinge of shame as you delete that appointment from your schedule.

· Know Thy Self—Don’t plan to workout early in the day if you aren’t a morning person. Your grumpy demeanor will make exercise less enjoyable, and thus, make it more difficult to keep up in the future. Likewise, if you're typically exhausted after work, suck it up and set that alarm. Those are really your only two options (unless you can take an extended lunch and have access to a shower at your office…or you could not shower. I don’t care. I don’t have to work with you).

· Prepare the Day Before—You’re more likely to workout if you prepared all of your gear the night before. The less logistical steps you have to take to exercise, the more likely you are to actually get out there and break a sweat.

· Blab About It—Tell coworkers and friends that you’re planning on working out. If you actually care about what those people think of you, you’ll gain just a little bit more motivation. You don’t want to be a liar, do you? DO YOU?!

I’m sure I could think of a few more, but time is short these days. To conclude this post, I included a video that symbolizes the perfect blend of the corporate and athletic worlds:

Three questions:

1) Where do I sign up?

2) When do I start?

3) Is the dental plan any good?

Remember to send your questions to peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com for the "Puma Solves Your Problems" segment.

Memories

2011-04-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

The Peace With Inches office party:
celebrating 1000 pageviews with our
downstairs neighbor, Leonard.

When Mark Zuckerberg launched The Facebook, the social networking site generated 22,000 pageviews in the first two hours. The revolutionary blog, Peace With Inches, is just slightly off that impressive pace, as it only took a mere 42 days to reach 1,000 pageviews. Watch out Zuckerberg, because those thundering, ever-present footsteps behind you belong to the Puma.

With this blog reaching its first milestone, it seems appropriate to briefly summarize where we’ve been so far on this magic carpet ride. However, before we begin our journey down memory lane, I want to introduce an exciting new segment that will allow you, the adoring public, to ask Puma your questions. The segment, called "Puma Solves Your Problems," will start up in the coming weeks, so send your questions in by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com. Whether you're an athlete looking for some advice on your training or a curious toddler who wants to know where babies come from, all questions are welcome.

It's now time for a nostalgic recap of some of the highlights so far. I created this picture montage to commemorate the blog's first 1000 pageviews. The video serves as a tribute to some of the blog’s more influential characters, and it includes the memorable and captivating images of the first 13 posts. Every image in this montage has either been previously displayed or the subject matter of the picture has been referenced in the text of an earlier posting, except for one. I will give a signed picture of Chuck Norris to the person who can name that image first in a comment to this post. (Disclaimer: The picture is signed by me, Puma, not Chuck Norris. So you're trying to win a picture of Chuck Norris with Puma's autograph on it. Just want to be clear about that.)

So remember to send those questions to Puma at peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com, and stay tuned as Peace With Inches continues to develop and expand, enhancing your reading pleasure.

Update: In my first blog post, I challenged Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Robocop to a 20-mile trail race in which all competitors must roundhouse kick someone in the face at every mile marker. I'm still waiting for a response from all three of the so-called "tough guys" (though I did hear that Robocop soiled his metal underpants in fright when he heard of the challenge).

"Turn Up The Radio!"

2011-04-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

When I walk into my local gym, three thoughts immediately pop into my head: (1) “What’s that smell?” (2) “Why is that elderly gentleman in the mesh tank top staring at me?” and (3) “Man, I wish I thought of iPods before Apple.”

They say a picture is worth a thousand
words, but when I look at this, only
one comes to mind: WHY?

Ever since Apple introduced their line of iPods to the public, music and exercise have been as inseparable as Richard Simmons and bedazzled tank tops. Whether it’s House music blaring during spin class or a sorority girl listening to the Spice Girls while reading a magazine on an elliptical (are you really that bored?), music and exercise are deeply intertwined. This may seem like a match made in heaven (like cowboys and ninjas), but as usual, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing.

If you, or someone you know is showing signs of Music Dependency, such as foregoing a trip to the gym because he or she left their iPod at home, contact Puma and I will personally enroll them in my carefully designed three-step program to battle the addiction (Step 1 = Throw iPod into wood chipper; Step 2 = Slap addict in the face; Step 3 = Take a nap).

Having said that, music plays a crucial role in athletics and, more specifically, endurance training. Could Rocky have single-handedly ended the Cold War without this epic training montage set to Wolf Parade’s “Hearts on Fire?” Of course not! Watch this video with the sound on. After you're done punch-dancing to the awesome tunes, mute your computer (DO IT!!), and watch the first part of the video again. Without the music, this is either an instructional workout program or a documentary about farming. Who can tell?:

Need further proof? Without the musical backdrop in the video below, this iconic scene from Chariots of Fire is just a bunch of skinny British guys running at the beach in their pajamas:

Both of these videos persuasively demonstrate the important role that music can play in endurance training. So how can you most effectively utilize musical motivation while exercising? Don’t worry, Puma’s here to help. After all, I may not truly understand the depth and power of music, but I appreciate the noise it makes.

Puma’s (Mostly) Foolproof Musical Strategy

1) Plan Ahead—Preselect songs before you start your exercise. This way, you won’t have to fiddle with your iPod while working out, freeing you of a costly distraction. Under no circumstances may you just hit shuffle and go to town. There is nothing worse then getting hit with a big dose of Hanson’s "MMMBop" when you reach the climax of your workout (and yes, I know it’s in your iTunes library. Don’t lie.).

2) Know What Motivates You—Each one of my playlists starts with an audio recording of my 3^rd grade Physical Education teacher telling me I’d never amount to anything. This ritual fills me with the requisite level of rage to commence any workout (after a brief, five-minute cry session in my bathtub).

3) Select Workout Appropriate Songs— Tailor your playlists to the specific type of workout you’re trying to complete.

i. Long Runs—Focus, relaxation and rhythm are key when running 10+ miles. Slowing things down a bit musically can help achieve these elements of the run. I’m not saying you need to go all "Junior High Slow Jams" on that thing, but you’ll completely desensitize yourself to “Pump Up Jams” by trying to string together one to three hours of them on a playlist. So save Will Smith’s “Get Jiggy With It” for the very end of your workout, when you need an adrenalin boost.

Screw you, Iceman!

ii. Shirtless Beach Volleyball Games ala Top Gun—Pump up “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins, hit repeat, and spike that smug grin right off Iceman’s face!

iii. Speed Work—Okay, now it’s appropriate to blast your eardrums into an adrenalin-induced stupor. For example, here is one of Puma’s epically intense playlists. I save this bad boy for only the most difficult of workouts:

Song	Artist	Explanation
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”	Elton John	Nothing gets me pumped like an effeminate British vocalist talking about fighting. I imagine the fight would involve a lot of pulled hair, slapped faces, and a spilled appletini or two.
“Ninja Rap”	Vanilla Ice	Go ninja! Go ninja! Go! Go ninja! Go ninja! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
“It Wasn’t Me”	Shaggy	It helps me run faster if I imagine a furious woman chasing me with some sort of kitchen utensil…What? There actually was a furious woman chasing me with a kitchen utensil? Uh oh…
"Hips Don’t Lie"	Shakira	No sir, they do not. My hips, on the other hand, are filled with gummy bears and deceit.
"Jesse’s Girl"	Rick Springfield	I like to pretend that I do, in fact, know someone named Jesse, and that I am, in fact, stealing that loser’s girlfriend.
"Hold My Hand"	Hootie & The Blowfish	I just really love me some Hootie.
Ghostbusters Theme	Ray Barker Jr.	You’ve got to bring it home strong. “Who ya gonna call?” indeed.

4) Avoid Clichés—Under no circumstances should these songs appear on your training playlists (There is a specific exception, however, if you want to create an 1980's-style training montage with one of these songs in the background):

Eminem—Lose Yourself

50 Cent—In Da Club

Kanye West—Stronger

Guns & Roses—Welcome to the Jungle

Queen—We Will Rock You

Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me

White Snake—Here I Go Again on My Own

Kenny Loggins—Highway to the Danger Zone

Survivor—Eye of the Tiger

Europe—The Final Countdown

Journey—THE ENTIRE CATALOG

5) Use in Moderation—Leave the iPod at home sometimes. It’s important to learn how to run without constant musical motivation. That way you don’t diminish the influence of a carefully constructed playlist when you bust it out for important training runs. If used too often, the music will become a crutch, and being on crutches is frustrating. Especially when you can’t drive because your right foot is in a cast, so you need to bum rides from your parents, even though you’re well into your 20’s (true story).

In sum, music can be a valuable training tool for an endurance athlete, but like most things in life, it must be used in moderation. However, any way you slice it, utilizing an iPod is definitely more efficient than how I used to get my musical motivation…paying a Wham! cover band to sing while I pull them behind me in a rickshaw. Who wouldn’t run fast with these guys trailing close behind?:

Who Wears Short-Shorts? Puma Wears Short-Shorts!

2011-03-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

The Greek poet Euripides once said, “Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.” Deep, right? I opened with this quote for two reasons. First, it’s surprisingly relevant to today’s topic, the proper attire for endurance training. Second, and more importantly, the quote makes me seem pensive and intelligent (Don’t worry, that impression will be shattered quite rapidly as you continue to read).

Finding the proper workout attire is essential to achieving your own peak performance. The marketing departments at the major clothing companies want you to believe that you have to look like these schmucks when running:

BOOOOORING. Unlike the wardrobe snobs in this blatantly inclusive clothing advertisement, I like to dress with some flare. It's like I always say, "If people aren’t staring at you when you run down the street, you’re doing it wrong." With that in mind, I give you the first ever Peace With Inches fashion show. I think you’ll find these options to be both fashionable and functional:

Everyday Training

Comfort is king when dressing for day-to-day training, and nothing is more comfortable than a roomy pair of short-shorts. Finding your go-to pair is essential for every endurance athlete. As you can see, the combination of the waist-high slit and shiny-white fabric leaves little to the imagination, while also allowing for excellent crotch ventilation. You'll be burning up the streets as you run by, because these pants are clearly HOT!

Within this same line, Will Ferrell is modeling another option for everyday training. This outfit is perfect for the patriotic endurance athlete. The American Flag codpiece is both sexy and supportive, and the midriff T-Shirt will have will have men and/or women everywhere pledging allegiance to your abs.

We’ll wrap up the everyday training line with a fun and whacky variation on the generic short-shorts look. Here, the model (who looks a lot like Herschel Walker) is wearing a snazzy denim short and vest combination. The whole look is tied together by calf-length cowboy boots and futuristic sunglasses. Notice how the hip-hugger length of the cut-off jean shorts allows for an amazing range of movement and really accentuates the thighs muscles. This outfit is perfect for the endurance athlete who likes to go straight from the gym to the local discotech.

Racing

There are several important factors that come into play when you’re deciding on the proper attire for race day. We here at Peace With Inches put together a couple of outfits that are perfect for the endurance athlete looking for sleek and lightweight clothing options.

First up is the skintight Green Man suit, made famous by the iconic It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character, Charlie Kelly. The aerodynamic design cuts down on wind resistance, shaving precious seconds off the racer's time. The suit also provides head-to-toe coverage, sparing the athlete from the sun’s harsh ultraviolet rays. While ventilation is not necessarily optimal, the skintight fabric cuts down on painful chaffing, which significantly reduces the risk of spontaneous combustion during the competition. Whether you're running a race or robbing a liquor store, the Green Man suit will make it difficult for your pursuers to catch you.

Next up in this category is this wicked-awesome batman costume. This is a serious outfit for a serious athlete. The heavy black fabric really absorbs the sun’s heat, warming the muscles and dehydrating the runner rapidly, freeing him or her of all that extra water-weight. The padded upper-body also builds up the runner’s self-esteem as he or she lines up against scrawny competitors. But that's not all! The functional utility belt draws attention to the crotch, and the sharp wrist-guards are perfect for clothes-lining overly ambitious rivals. Don this thing at your next race, and you'll have your competitors screaming "Holy Bill of Rights, Batman." (Quote care of Batman's effeminate sidekick, Robin)

Rain Gear

Unfortunately, its not always blue skies and smooth sailing for runners. Sometimes Mother Nature rears her ugly head and endurance athletes are forced to brave the elements. This festive sombrero-poncho combination is great for the athlete who needs to workout in the pouring rain. The wide-brim hat shields the rain from his or her eyes, and the colorful poncho keeps the runner dry, while enhancing his or her visibility to both motorists and members of the other sex. Add in a fake mustache, and you have all the necessary ingredients for a successful rainy day run. Vamanos!!

Snow Training

For years, runners in cold climates have been forced to train on mind-numbing treadmills during the snowy winter months. Well, perk up people, because Puma has finally found an athletic outfit that can withstand frigid sub-zero conditions.

As you can see, these clothes, which were featured prominently in The Empire Strikes Back, were designed for optimal performance in freezing temperatures. First, the white and beige color scheme helps the runner blend into his or her surroundings, making it easy to sneak up on unsuspecting competitors (and Rebel forces). The snow boots and heavy-duty pants (w/ built in knee pads) keep the lower extremities snuggly and dry, and the toasty snow parka has deep pockets that are great for holding water bottles and thermal detonators (Star Wars’ version of grenades). Also, the Kevlar helmet and thick veil prevent both frostbite and head trauma caused by vicious snow monsters. Finally, a fully operational blaster rifle is the perfect accessory, making the outfit complete. Whether you’re looking to pound out a five mile run in blizzard conditions or flush out some annoying Rebel scum from their hidden base on Hoth, slap on this Imperial Snowtrooper uniform and tell Old Man Winter to suck it!

Zombie Apocalypse

For years, scientific geniuses have been predicting the impending zombie apocalypse. When that day finally comes, it’ll be important to stay in peak physical condition. So how should you dress when training among the hoards of flesh-eating zombies?

Sylvester Stallone is modeling our "Commando-Sheik" attire. The absorbent headband wicks moisture away from the runner’s face and keeps sweat out of the athlete’s eyes. This is especially important because you want to use precise aim while shooting your giant machine gun into wave after wave of zombies. The choker necklace also adds a little personal flare to the outfit, because in the fight for survival, looking good is half the battle. Helicopter sold separately.

That concludes the Peace With Inches fashion show. These are just a few of the options available to creative runners, so don’t get sucked in by the clothing corporations’ predictable advertisements. Remember if your going to be out there busting your ass, you might as well make sure people are staring at that sweet rump while you do it.

P.S. As promised, you forgot all about the deep and thoughtful introduction to this post by now.

Puma v. The Press

2011-03-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Today’s post contains bonus coverage of my performance in the Emerald Across the Bay 12k. Up to this point, you know the results and can kind of deduce what happened in the race by referring back to my riveting summary, “Puma and the Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes,” but you don’t know how I dealt with the public firestorm that followed the race.

Not Pictured: The bald eagle's
battle-axe and machine gun

After watching Puma struggle through the 7.5 mile course, the media vultures began circling. They all hoped to catch that first glimpse of a Charlie Sheen-like mental breakdown. However, unlike Carlos Irwin Estevez (seriously, Irwin?), Puma don’t play that game. Charlie might have Adonis DNA and tiger blood running through his veins, but I have the indomitable spirit of a colossal bald eagle clutching a battle-axe in one talon and a machine gun in another. Let’s see your Adonis DNA deal with that!

To confront the fallout head on, I called a press conference after turning in the somewhat disappointing result. It was easy to get all of the reporters there, because each one is a figment of my imagination. What resulted was one of the most entertaining press conferences of all time. If I were to rank it, the presser would probably be sitting at #4 right now, behind these little nuggets:

1) Dennis Green

2) Allen Iverson

3) Jim Mora

Here is a transcript from the press conference:

PUMA: Everyone shut up! If it’s okay with all of you nincompoops, I would like to get this started. I have a recorded episode of Oprah waiting for me at home, and it's not going to watch itself. I’ll be calling on the reporters personally. However, since none of you are important enough to know by name, I will refer to you based on whatever pops into my head first when I see you.

So, let’s begin with you over there in the corner, the one that looks like a potential sex offender.

REPORTER 1 (R1): Are you talking about me?

PUMA: (Sarcastically) No, I’m talking to the other guy with the creepy mustache. Of course I’m talking to you, Roman Polanski. You have a question or not?

R1: I get a lot of compliments on this mustache.

PUMA: Look, I don’t care what your Mom has to say about your mustache, buddy. Just ask your damn question.

R1: You started out the race extremely fast, running the first mile in 6 minutes and 20 seconds. Was that part of your plan, or do you think you wasted energy?

PUMA: Well, if you had bothered doing any research on the race instead of grooming that pathetic excuse for a mustache, you would have seen that the first mile is almost completely downhill. I was just cruising at that speed trying to give myself a cushion going into miles 2 and 3, which would be much slower.

Next question! Let’s go with you in the front. The woman with the perm.

REPORTER 2 (R2): I’m a man and I don’t have a perm.

PUMA: I just call it as I see it, pal. Ask your question.

R2: I’m actually pretty offended. I think you should apologize.

PUMA: Okay, fine. You don’t actually look like a woman, but you certainly just displayed the emotional fragility of a teenage girl.

R2: That’s not even close to an apology.

PUMA: Well, that’s the best you’re going to get, so we might as well move on.

R2: I’m leaving.

PUMA: That’s probably for the best. I think there’s a sale at Forever 21 today.

Let’s see, who’s next…you, Mullet McGee in the back.

REPORTER 3(R3): I'm actually okay with that one. You were on your goal pace through the first 4 miles. What happened? Do you feel like you could have held on to that for a little while longer?

PUMA: Yeah, I was on pace through the first 4 miles, but miles 2 and 3 proved to be more tiring than expected. The wind on the Golden Gate Bridge did not help the situation either. I’m a tall man, so wind is not kind to my masculine physique.

We have time for a couple more questions, so let’s move on. You over there, with the bubble butt.

REPORTER 4 (R4): My name is Janet.

PUMA: What am I, writing your memoirs? I don’t care what your name is. Ask your question.

R4: Could you give the public some tips, so men and women everywhere can be more like you?

PUMA: First of all, you will never be me! Second of all, I forgot your question!

Let’s keep this thing moving forward. The last question will go to skinny Al Roker over there.

REPORTER 5 (R5): I’ve actually heard that comparison before. Now that the Emerald Across the Bay 12k has passed in disappointing fashion, what do you have planned next?

PUMA: Let me answer your question with another question. SHUT UP!

R5: That’s not a question.

PUMA: This press conference is over! (Storms of the stage)

All in all, I think I handled that pretty well. Next week, Peace With Inches will be back on its typical, Tuesday/Friday schedule. Upcoming topics include proper running attire and workout playlists.

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

2011-03-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k came and went, and it pains me to inform you that I, Puma, was dethroned as the Clydesdale Champion on a stormy Sunday morning. The damp and windy conditions made for a sluggish day of racing on the Golden Gate Bridge, leading to slow times across the board. The overall winner of the race finished with a time of 37:36, a full minute and forty-five seconds off the fastest time last year (35:51). Even the legendary Puma could not tame Mother Nature on this day (Current Score: Puma—71, Mother Nature—3), as my time was 26 seconds slower than last year’s result (53:59).

After the dust settled, I finished 4^th in an extremely competitive Clydesdale Division and 239th overall (out of 2024 official finishers). This just proves at least three full-bodied competitors were better cheaters than I. Yet another reason why I’m campaigning for mandatory drug testing before every recreational endurance race. I’m sick of losing to juiced-up Neanderthals. Besides, I’m pretty sure I saw the winner of the Clydesdale Division go by on Roller Blades.

So all in all, it was a day of mixed results and mixed emotions (as a lone tear falls onto a mashed keyboard). I intended to give a mile-by-mile recap of the race at this point, but ultimately decided that to recount the event in such a manner would be trivial and boring. Instead, I will now describe my experience at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k as of a Lord of the Rings-stlye fantasy saga:

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Puma awoke from his uneasy slumber as the wind and rain pummeled his straw hut. He gained no respite during the night, for he was consumed by the mighty challenge lying before him. Soon, the sun would climb over the eastern mountains, and a mighty battle would commence.

Ok, I know what you're thinking, but it's a lot
easier to draw a lovable dragon.

For too long has the dickish Emerald Dragon known as Twelvekay tormented the kind-hearted-yet-somewhat-snooty inhabitants of Francisconia. From the flannel-wearing Hipsters of the Mission Province, to the ale-chugging dwellers of the Marina Quarter, all had tasted the unforgiving wrath of Twelvekay. When the mayhem grew too fierce, the Francisconians begged the mighty Puma, who was a direct descendant of the Clydesdale clan and lived in the far off village of Burlingshire, to slay the fearsome Emerald Dragon.

Now, the day of the battle had finally arrived, and the handsome and brawny Puma thought intensely of the challenge that lies before him. He took his morning tinkle in ye olde bedpan and then valiantly adorned himself with his magical short-shorts.

…Then some other stuff happened, but it’s boring so I’m going to skip right to the epic fight scene that will make the giant battle in Braveheart look like an episode of Dora the Explorer…

Twelvekay, the dickish Emerald Dragon arose promptly at 8:30am, as the sun continued its ascent in the morning sky. He bellowed out a loud roar that sounded as if a race official had blown an air horn into a microphone (I might need to work on my similes). Though a lesser man would have crapped his pants upon hearing that fowl sound, Puma’s magical short-shorts remained free of excrement, for he does not fear dragons, even ones that can, for some unexplained reason that is not critical to the plot of this story, shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

So the two ferocious beings commenced violent and sweaty combat atop the high Fortress of Baker, which is nestled in the hills of Sausalitoland. Puma, fueled by Skittles and rage charged courageously at the mighty beast. Twelvekay was momentarily stunned by the boldness and stupidity of his chiseled attacker. The dragon’s fire-breath and laser-eyes could not stop Puma from delivering a mighty blow into the underbelly of the beast. The force of this attack caused both Puma and Twelvekay to tumble down the mountainside, ultimately coming to rest at the Sausalitoland coast. Puma’s energy level was high, and for the first 6:20 minutes of the fight (1 mile marker), he dominated the Emerald dragon like the beast was his prison girlfriend.

Twelvekay, realizing he was outmatched at sea level, struggled free of Puma’s Kung Fu Grip, spread his mighty wings and soared atop the famous Iron Gateway Bridge of Francisconia. Puma pursued the serpent up a steep and treacherous mountain, slowing his pace in the hopes of conserving energy for the remaining battle. Once he reached the mountaintop, Puma sprinted onto the bridge, dodging multiple fireballs and laser beams. As the valiant warrior charged over the sea, the chicken-sh#t Emerald Dragon stayed just out of reach of Puma. To make things even more difficult for his handsome pursuer, Twelvekay flapped his colossal wings, creating powerful winds that threatened to blast Puma to a watery and shark-infested grave hundreds of feet below. The difficult climb and gusting winds slowed Puma significantly and robbed him of much energy. This was especially true since his Skittles-induced adrenalin rush was beginning to wane.

Pictured from Top to Bottom: The Emerald Dragon, Puma, Puma's Magical Short-Shorts, Sharks
(Picture not drawn to scale)

To this point, the legendary combatants had been wrestling (in a non-homoerotic manner) for exactly 28 minutes and had traveled exactly 4 miles. The Emerald Dragon had successfully weathered the aggressive start by his zealous challenger. He and Puma were now on a level playing field as the fight continued along the Francisconia coastline. Twelvekay, realizing that his tall and attractive foe was beginning to fatigue, continuously pelted Puma with molten-fire from his Sarah Jessica Parker-size nostrils and shot laser beams from his wee-beady eyes. Even though his pace continued to fade, Puma still refused to relent. He continued to battle with the Emerald Dragon and landed a forceful punch right to the snout of Twelvekay at the 6-mile mark. Fearing that Puma might be catching a second wind, the massive serpent let out a blood-curdling screech, and rain from the clouds above poured heavily upon the weary fighter.

Still the fight raged on, now spanning over 50 minutes and 7 miles. Puma, sensing that the end was near, dug deep into his massive onion sack for one last siege of the Emerald Dragon. Channeling his Clydesdale forefathers, the brave combatant charged violently down the hill above the Fortress of Mason, shaking the ground with his every step. Twelvekay defensively fired one last blast of fire, but Puma jumped through the wall of flames and landed a flying karate kick to the crotch of the stunned dragon.

Twelvekay let out a high-pitched squeal and fell to the ground. After 7.5 miles and 54:25 minutes, the dragon looked at the exhausted warrior hunched over beside him, and said “Come on man, that really hurt! Not cool!” (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the dragon can talk. That’s pretty important to the conclusion of the story). He then continued, “Your kung fu is strong, and you’ve proved to be a worthy foe. We could continue this combat atop a mountain high until the end of time, OOOOOOR we could call it a stalemate and go get some sandwiches. Maybe even play some ping pong in the game room of my lair.”

Puma raised his battle-worn face, looked squarely into the beady eyes of Twelvekay and said “Okie dokie. Lead the way.” Then, as the Emerald Dragon turned his back on Puma, the crafty warrior killed the gullible beast, because draws are for chumps. The Francisconians let out a thunderous roar as Twelvekay’s lifeless body fell to the ground. Puma, knowing that his task was finally complete, summoned his noble unicorn, Norbert, and began his long journey back to his humble straw hut.

So Puma did eventually finish his task and defeat the Emerald Dragon, though it was not his proudest victory. If anyone asks, he will tell them that he killed Twelvekay in self-defense, because he’s pretty sure he saw the dragon reach for a gun.

YE OLDE END

Hold Your Horses

2011-03-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is a good news-bad news type of situation.

The bad news first...

Not Pictured: The unsuspecting dog on
which the kitten is about to pounce.

Yes, I promised my loyal readers a detailed recap of the Emerald Across the Bay 12k, but you'll have to wait just a little while longer for the gripping conclusion. Unfortunately, the race organizers have yet to post the results of the Clydesdale Division. Any summary of the race without those would be premature and woefully incomplete. So take some advice from the fuzzy kitten to the right and chill the *bleep* out.

Now for the good news...

You get to enjoy an extra post this week! Yes folks, there's the silver lining among the clouds. Hopefully today's post will help you cope with the mind-numbing suspense.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me an article from an NPR blog, and, given my recent discussion of Clydesdale racing, it seems appropriate to pass it along now. I noticed that Yahoo News also picked up the story last night, but like most Y! News posts, it lacked any sort of insight or depth on the matter. I guess that's what happens when you get news from a site that puts the devastation in Japan as a co-headline with the articles "Tennis Pro Claims Higher IQ than Einstein" and "Rocker Sammy Hagar Says Abducted by Aliens."

This past weekend, a National Champion Sumo wrestler named Kelly Gneiting ran the Los Angeles Marathon for the second time. It took him nearly 10 hours, but the 400-pound competitor completed the full 26.2 miles, improving on his previous time by over an hour.

Yes, a 400-pound Sumo wrestler from Defiance, AZ completed a marathon. What's stopping you?

Here's a link to the brief article:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/03/21/134740369/400-pound-sumo-wrestler-finishes-l-a-marathon

For more information, here's a lengthy video covering Gneiting's journey in the 2008 LA Marathon. He actually tells a pretty interesting story:

Gneiting was able go where no 400-pound man was able to go before. As a reward, I think the winner of the LA Marathon, Markos Geneti, should be forced to face Gneiting in a Sumo match. I believe it will end in one of two ways:

1) A scrawny Markos Geneti size hole in the wall.
2) A Markos Geneti size pancake on the mat.

... I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid.

Kelly Gneiting crosses the finish line
(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times / March 20, 2011)

Puma's Super Confidential Race Strategy...Now Available to the Public!

2011-03-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, the Puma will toe the starting line at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k with one isolated and intense thought on his mind…funny-ass kitten videos. However, after that adorable/hilarious brain wave passes, he’ll then realize a race is about to start, so he better focus (I’m going to stop writing in the third person now, because much like a puppy who sees its reflection in the mirror for the first time, I’m starting to confuse and aggravate myself).

The ground (and the competition)
trembles with their every step.

As noted above, my first race of the year, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k, takes place this weekend. The race has additional significance this year, because I’m the defending Clydesdale Division (see: “Fatty Race”) Champion. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “Clyesdale” term, some races include special (see: better) divisions for larger (see: sexier) competitors. Men who weigh over 200 lbs. and women who weigh over 150 lbs. can compete in these special divisions. The men’s division is called the “Clydesdale” division, after the majestic horse that, most notably, pulls the Budweiser delivery cart during Superbowl commercials. The creators of the women’s category, apparently not wanting to liken their athletes to beer-toting beasts-of-burden, named it the “Athena” division. It’s definitely appreciated when races recognize the winners of these sub-divisions, because those scrawny elite runners will never truly understand what it’s like to be slowed down by the weight of your own breathtaking awesomeness.

Getting back to the topic at hand, my upcoming race inspired the subject matter of today’s post, which is race preparation and strategy.

Race Week Training

When Charlton Heston says to
taper, you freakin' taper!

One of the most talked about concepts in endurance running is the pre-race “taper” or the gradual decrease of training leading up to a race. In the running community, this strategy is devoutly followed as if it were handed down from a burning bush atop Mount Sinai (“Thou shall not toil strenuously upon the eve of a mighty contest.”).

Tapering is usually vital if you want to ensure fresh legs for a competition, but the amount of reduction needed depends on the race. For a marathon, I’ll start my taper about three weeks prior to the actual competition. This doesn’t mean I stop running altogether. Rather, I’ll gradually decrease the volume of running. For a tune-up 12k (7.5 miles) like this, however, I essentially train through it. Here is what my training log looks like this week:

DAY	WORKOUT	RESULT
Monday	10 miles @ Easy Pace	1:22:33 min. 8:15 min/mile
Tuesday	Stationary Bike	60 min.
Wednesday	6 miles @ Easy Pace	46:40 min. 7:46 min/mile
Thursday	4 miles @ 12k Race Pace	27:05 min. 6:46 min/mile
Friday	4 miles @ Easy Pace	TBD
Saturday	2 miles @ Easy Pace	TBD
Sunday	RACE DAY (7.5 miles)	TBD

While there is no significant rest building up to Sunday, I’m confident that my body will be fresh and ready to go come Sunday morning. Besides, I always run a couple miles the day before a race, just to make sure all of the bits and pieces still work.

Pre-race Food

Bagel + Handful of Skittles + Gu Packet = Puma’s recipe for total dominance.

KABLAMO!

You have been warned.

Warm Up

Many people develop pre-race routines that typically include jogging to warm up the muscles, stretching thoroughly, and finally running some striders at race pace to make sure the body is ready. Sounds boring, huh?

Here’s a checklist of pre-race activities that I typically complete before a competition starts:

Pretend to be a Race Official and give other competitors directions to the wrong starting point.
Still dressed as a Race Official, tell competitors that the race was cancelled, and they should expect a full refund in the mail.
Secretly fill up competitors’ Camelbaks with vodka instead of water.
Make fellow competitors feel self-conscious about their running motion before the race starts, thus eliminating any confidence they possessed.
Let competitors cut in line for the bathroom, but then lock them in the Porto-potty once they enter.
Graciously offer to double knot competitors’ shoelaces for them, but then tie their shoes together instead.

Race Strategy

Last year, I completed this event with a time of 53:59, which is about a 7:14 minute per mile pace. This year, I’m hoping to run about 2 minutes faster.

My general race strategy is fairly simple. First, set an ambitious goal. Second, run the first few miles slightly faster than the goal pace. Third, hold on for dear life in the final miles. If I collapse into the fetal position due to exhaustion (not fear this time) immediately after finishing a race, I consider it a huge success.

In addition to this broad strategy, I also create a specific plan for each race in which I compete. I formulated this detailed plan with the help of my training partner, the motivational “Adolescent Karate Tortoise”, and my spirit guide, Han Solo (Don’t worry about it; I’ll explain in a later post). Here is what my mile-by-mile strategy looks like for the Emerald 12k Across the Bay:

Start: Sprint out as fast as I can to get in front of the pack. Then, with the rest of the field behind me, start spinning uncontrollably with my arms extended and yelling “I’m a helicopter! I’m a helicopter!” at the top of my lungs. It really freaks people out and sets the tone for the remainder of the race.

Mile 1: The first mile is pretty much all down hill, so after performing my patented “Helicopter Maneuver”, I’ll conserve energy for later stages of the race by rolling down the hill.

Mile 2: The second mile is made up of steep switchbacks that eventually lead racers to the pedestrian path of the Golden Gate Bridge. The Adolescent Karate Tortoise is letting me borrow his grappling hook, so I’ll be taking a more direct route up to the Bridge.

Mile 3: I’ll be harshly reminded that I'm not all that fond of heights as I battle vertigo running across the Bridge.

Mile 4: Take a brief moment to kiss solid ground once I’m off the bridge. Hopefully a few competitors will trip over my hunched over body.

This image is self-explanatory

Mile 5: The race continues along the path next to Crissy Field. Since runners are now at sea-level, it’s perfectly safe to push competitors into the Bay, so let the shoving commence! Endurance running is a full contact sport when Puma is in the race (I’ve been lugging this American Gladiators jousting lance [see: giant Q-tip] around for 5 miles, I might as well start using it!).

Mile 6: Change course markers as I go by them with the goal of misleading the remaining runners (see: slow-pokes) behind me.

Mile 7 to Finish: Run "balls-to-the-walls" until I cross the finish line, all the while yelling “Your shoe's untied!”, hoping to get all the runners around me to momentarily look down, and thus, lose speed as they charge towards the end.

So there you have it. That’s the current plan of attack heading into this weekend’s race. Check back in Tuesday for the highly anticipated results post.

P.S. I forgot to mention that it's important to always check the weather on race day. Sunday's forecast = Rainy with a chance of "Vanilla Thunder" (The name I go by when I ball it up at Harlem's Rucker Park).

The Shoe Issue

2011-03-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." Now, I'm all for stealing other people's belongings, but you can't just slap a random pair of L.A. Lights onto those hooves you call feet and set out on a run. That would be crazy, and not the "Oh man, spring break in Cabo was crazy" type of crazy. The "Charlie Sheen, 'they picked a fight with a warlock'" type of crazy:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body." -- Charlie "Why Don't You Believe I'm Sober?" Sheen

I don't care if the other competitors
were 7 years old, Dusty Hammer and
"The Vanquisher" just taught those 2nd
Graders a very valuable lesson:
Don't mess with Dusty Hammer
and "The Vanquisher"!

Finding the proper pair of running shoes is essential if you hope to achieve even a fraction of the success I've experienced in my lifetime. Think about it. Would King Arthur engage in battle without his trusty sword, Excalibur? Would Willie Nelson perform at a concert without his trusty bong, Ole’ Smoky? Would potato sack race legend Dusty Hammer compete in the annual Idaho Spuds Potato Sack Dash without his trusty sack, “The Vanquisher”? You get the point.

So what should you look for when selecting a pair of running shoes? This is actually an extremely complex question, and it can’t be answered in an illogical and semi-incoherent blog post, no matter how tall and sexy the author may be. If you’re foolishly looking for me to actually provide some valuable insight, well…ha…this is definitely your first visit to Peace with Inches. Welcome, and prepare to be sorely disappointed (That’s what he said). If you're searching for the the appropriate shoe for your style and foot type, I recommend visiting a running store (a store that specializes in running; not a general sporting goods store). At the very least, you should consult the most up-to-date reviews put out by the magazine, Runner’s World. The Spring 2011 article can be found at:

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-400--13825-0,00.html

Having said that, I’ll now share my own hilarious, yet ultimately useless, insights on the topic. These are really just random observations on some of the options out there.

Asics: The Puma’s current brand of choice. One of the few brands that doesn't melt right off my feet when I lay down scorching fast race times. They even remain intact after my wickedly seductive (yet humble) victory dances.

Nike: For the longest time, Nike was the scorn of many serious endurance runners. It seemed like their designers put an emphasis on aesthetics, at the cost of insignificant little things, such as comfort and durability. Over the past couple of years, however, Nike has tried to revamp their image within the running population, and unlike those desperate Taco Bell commercials concerning the quality of their “beef”, Nike’s actually had some success.

On a slightly related note, almost all Nike Running shoes are “Nike+” compatible. If you purchase the Nike+ package, you get a chip that goes into the sole of your shoe and a device that plugs into into your iPod or iPhone. When used in combination, the Nike+ gear gives audible speed and distance readouts. The program also provides motivational messages throughout the training process, if desired.

I tried the Nike+ program, and I can’t say I’m a fan. There are a couple of problems. First, the speed and distance measurements are fairly inaccurate, even after recalibrating the device. I could, however, deal with that on a day-to-day basis. My bigger gripe is that the supposedly motivational messages are extremely creepy. Imagine my surprise when Lance Armstrong unexpectedly started talking to me in the middle of an evening training session. The only thing this message motivated me to do was crap my pants in terror. How would you like to be running by yourself, when you suddenly hear:

Just out for a shirtless stroll on the boardwalk. Can you say
Bro-mance?

“This is Lance Armstrong. You’ve just completed your first mileage goal. Great work! Keep it up!... By the way, you look so peaceful when you sleep. Also, you might want to get that mole on your butt checked out by a doctor. I know from experience.”

Ok, I might have made that last part up, but having Lance whisper sweet nothings in my ear doesn’t exactly get my motor going. Maybe that works for his hetero life-mate, Matthew McConaughey, but not this guy.

Addidas: I’ve been told that Addidas does in fact produce a line of running shoes, though I can’t say I’ve ever tried a pair. Their top of the line model incorporates BOUNCE™ technology, which is supposed to “optimize energy return and step-in comfort.” However, those of you who watched Nickelodeon in the late 80’s and early 90’s most likely recognize this technology to be a more streamlined version of the old “Moon Shoes”. Sure, those mini-trampolines look like fun and go great with a tuxedo, but I wouldn’t want to run a marathon in them.

EQUALS

K-Swiss: Who cares if their shoes are any good? If they keep making commercials like this, I will buy whatever they're selling.

“Tubes. If you don’t like them, then change your mind.”

Brooks: Haven’t used these shoes very much over the past several years, but they have a shoe called “The Beast” so at least their hearts are in the right place.

Saucony: Not sure how to pronounce it, so I definitely won’t wear it.

Friends don't let friends
run in Aquasocks!

Vibram: The Vibram “FiveFingers” seem to be gaining popularity these days, though I’m not eager to jump onto the rubber moccasin bandwagon. If you want, you can pay me the $80 you would spend on these heavy-duty Glad bags, and I’ll just repeatedly bash your feet with a meat tenderizer. I think the long-term effect will be relatively similar.

Teva Sandals & Black Socks: Though stylish, this combination offers very little in terms of support.

The black socks really accentuate those lean and pasty calves.

Barefoot: Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who run entire marathons barefoot. I personally encountered one of these runners during the San Diego Marathon. Not only were this man’s feet completely bare, but he also ran the entire marathon in cut-off jean shorts and waist-length, billowing hair that flowed behind him like a cape. I don’t know if there is actually a heaven, but I’m pretty sure this being was an angel.

That Stuff You Shove in Your Pie Hole

2011-03-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

It’s time to get excited folks, because today’s post is about everyone’s favorite subject: FOOD. Appropriate diet and nutrition for an endurance athlete is an important and somewhat controversial topic. Unfortunately, it can’t be covered in only one post (even if I’m the one covering it). I'll discuss this topic intermittently, so be on the look out for future musings on the issue. Having said that, my goals for this post are simple: (1) to shatter your preconceived notions on what food is appropriate for an endurance athlete and (2) completely revolutionize how you perceive the information on the subject.

Seriously, listen to this song and you'll
be acting out your own salmonella
poisoning montage before you know it.

Like most of the problems in the world, I blame the misconceptions out there on both Hollywood and major food conglomerates. I’m sure anyone who’s seen the movie Rocky has the image of Sylvester Stallone guzzling down six raw eggs burned permanently into their retinas (trust me folks, that picture is never going away). What the movie doesn’t show, however, is Rocky coping with diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps after contracting salmonella poisoning. I guess the director decided to edit that scene out because Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” didn’t seem fitting for a montage of Rocky alternating between vomiting in a trashcan, shivering in bed, and spending long stretches on the crapper (Although, I do believe a scene of this variety could work if it was set to Kim Kardashian’s recently released…ahem… “song”). So what’s my point? Well, first and foremost, I wanted to elaborately set up that Kim Kardashian joke. But second, don’t be an idiot! If something on TV or in a movie looks like a terrible idea, that’s because it is a terrible idea and has no business being imitated. Still not convinced? Here’s a quote from someone who actually reenacted the Rocky egg chug on YouTube:

“Here some Rocky training. It's my first time having raw eggs. They actually tasted better than I though they would. By the way, I wouldn't recommend trying this. A day later I got Salmonella food poisoning and it wasn't fun.”

This person is a moron, and I’m not even talking about the incomplete sentences, glaring typos, poor punctuation and severely limited vocabulary (Really, salmonella poisoning “wasn’t fun”? Could you elaborate on that, Walt Whitman?). Do not be this person. Nobody likes this person. I only read five poorly constructed sentences, and I already want to kick this guy in the nards, just to prevent any threat of procreation in the future. Well, I’ve definitely lost track of what my initial point was, but I’m pretty sure I’ve emphatically driven it into the ground by now, so let’s continue.

You now know that Hollywood can’t be trusted when making decisions about food, but what about advertisements on television or in magazines? Those ads may seem convincing, especially since TV almost single-handedly raised my generation, but don’t be fooled. Do you really think every time you douse yourself with Axe Body Spray, attractive women will attempt to have their way with you on a city street? Of course not. In fact, if you were to walk within 10 feet of an attractive woman, she would plug her nose and wonder why the creepy guy following her thinks body spray is an adequate substitution for bathing regularly.

Exhibit A

I used the Axe advertisements as an example to prove my point, but food commercials are really no different when you think about it. How long have we been told that Wheaties is “The Breakfast of Champions?” I took a straw poll of champions. You know how many of them ate Wheaties for breakfast? Zero. That doesn’t stop General Mills from slapping some greedy athlete on their box and declaring their cereal "rocket fuel for athletes." ----->

Here's a side-by-side comparison of three different General Mills Cereals: Original Wheaties, Wheaties “Fuel”, and Fruit Loops:

Original Wheaties(1 cup)		Wheaties “Fuel”(3/4 cup)		Fruit Loops (1 cup)
Calories	110	Calories	210	Calories	118
Total Fat	1.0 g	Total Fat	3.0 g	Total Fat	0.6 g
Saturated Fat	0.1 g	Saturated Fat	2.5 g	Saturated Fat	0.4 g
Sodium	210 mg	Sodium	150 mg	Sodium	141 mg
Sugar	4.0 g	Sugar	14.0 g	Sugar	12.5 g
Protein	3.0 g	Protein	3.0 g	Protein	1.4 g

As you can see, besides the sugar content, there is really no significant difference between Original Wheaties and Fruit Loops, yet Toucan Sam isn't telling kids “eat this sh!@ before you play sports and you’ll rock your opponent’s world!” And, don’t even get me started on Wheaties “Fuel”. Notice that the serving size is only ¾ a cup (w/o milk). I don’t think I’ve ever limited my breakfast to ¾ a cup of dry cereal. You pour that into a decent-sized bowl, add some skim milk, and you’re looking at 500 calories and almost 30g of sugar. What exactly are you champion of after consuming a quarter of your daily diet five minutes after waking up? Hell, if you fall for the Wheaties propaganda, you might as well check out this commercial, because it makes just as much sense:

Wheaties is just one example of misleading food advertisement relating to athletics. There are others out there, but my rambling has gone on long enough.

It’s important to remember that finding the right food to fuel your athletic conquests is a personal endeavor. Some corporate fat cat isn’t automatically going to know what’s best for you. After a long period of experimentation, I finally found the perfect pre-marathon meal for me at the San Diego Marathon a few years ago: 2 plain bagels, a handful of Skittles and a Gu packet (I’m totally serious about this, by the way).

I contacted the marketing department at Skittles about a possible ad campaign. I’m still awaiting a response, but I don’t know how they could pass up a marketing opportunity like this:

You want some freakin' Skittles right now, don't you? Don't Lie.

A New Hope

2011-03-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

By now, you might be thinking to yourself: “Puma, your advice is both practical and oddly arousing. However, what the hell are you doing right now that’s so great? Why should I listen to you?” That’s a fair question, but I really wish you would shut your big yap, you unappreciative Philistine!!! If you were here right now, I would punch you in one of your face holes!!!

Oh my. I apologize for that outburst. I’ve been a little irritable since the revolutionary Disney Channel show, Hannah Montana, concluded earlier this year…Did I say Hannah Montana? Oops. I obviously meant to name a much less embarrassing show…like…um…24. Yeah, 24, that will do nicely, with its dramatic car chases, tense gunfights and random nuclear explosions. Well now that I have your attention (and lost your respect), I’ll finally give you an update on my own training.

I know this may be hard to believe (and I apologize to those of you who thought I was a funky robot programmed to win races and steal hearts), but I’m actually coming back from a fairly severe foot injury. Remember folks; I am in fact human. When I where pants, I put them on like everyone else, provided that everyone else puts their pants on like this:

So, as I was saying, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot during November of last year. The doctor said the fracture most likely resulted from overuse, but it’s my belief that a jealous competitor repeatedly bashed my foot with a tack hammer while I was in a post-burrito food coma. That is really the only reasonable conclusion, because this fined-tuned body does not breakdown under normal circumstances.

Slowly working my way back into marathon shape has proved challenging to this point, but I’ve been following the carefully designed steps that I outlined in my previous posts. Here’s a quick outline of where I am right now:

· My Long-Term Goal: Run a sub-3 hour marathon

· My Short Term Goals:

o Defend my title in the Clydesdale Division of the Emerald 12k Across the Bay (March 20^th).

o Run the Chicago Marathon (October 8^th) in 3 hours and 20 minutes

o Run the CIM International Marathon (December 4^th) in 3 hours and 10 minutes, and qualify for the Boston Marathon.

· Time Trials: Conducted a couple of these to test various distances and speeds

o 2/11/2010: 10 miles—1:16:39 (7:37 pace) [Marathon Pace]

o 2/21/2010: 4 miles—27:17 (6:48 pace) [12k pace]

The medal was awarded
for having "facial hair of
valor" during the Franco-
Prussian War.

While these times are respectable given the circumstances, I have a lot of work to do if I hope achieve the ambitious goals listed above. But it’s like the saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, at least you’ll be flying uncontrollably through space, and that seems pretty cool.” That might not be the exact phrasing, but you get the gist.

In addition to increasing my running tempo, I’m gradually building my weekly mileage totals as well. The best endurance runners in the world typically run more than 100 miles per week. I feel sorry for those poor bastards. Unlike those sad workaholics, I can kick-ass with a mere fraction of that effort. I’m running about 40 miles a week now, but during peak training weeks I should get up to about 60-65 miles. To further increase my mileage would cut into my time as a Franco-Prussian War reenactor, and that is a sacrifice that I am NOT willing to make.

Here’s what a typical week looks like when my training program is in full swing:

	Run	Total Distance	Pace
Monday	Day Off	Couch to Bathroom	Depends on what I ate
Tuesday	Speed Work	6 miles	800m intervals at 6:00 min/mile
Wednesday	Easy Run	10 miles	8:15 min/mile
Thursday	Speed Work	10 miles	1 to 2 mile intervals at 6:30 min/mile
Friday	Easy Run	8 miles	8:15 min/mile
Saturday	Very Easy Run	4 miles	9:00 min/mile
Sunday	Long Run	22 miles	Goal Marathon Pace
		60 miles Total

Soak it in folks. ‘Tis but a small glimpse at Puma’s secret recipe for success. Don’t be intimidated if my running program makes your paltry exercise routine look feeble and silly, because eventually we’ll get your workouts, which metaphorically look like this right now…

…to look all cocky and egotistical, like this, in the future:

“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting Wrinkles the Soul.”

2011-03-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sure, Admiral Fluffmuffin (above)
might be wrinkled on the
outside, but this persistent pup's
soul has the youthful skin of a Greek God.

By the way, why is that pile of dirty
laundry running towards me?

The title of this post is a quote from Douglas MacArthur, the American General who commanded the Southwest Pacific Theatre in World War II. I’ve spent many hours pondering the meaning of this quote, and let me be the first to say, WTF, Dougy Mac? WTF? “Quitting wrinkles the soul.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve judged a lot of people in my day, but never once have I thought to myself, “Damn! That dude’s soul is wrinkled as s!@*." So, sorry Dougy, but this isn’t exactly one of your pearls of wisdom. It does, however, prove one crucial point: Nobody likes a quitter! You should therefore tailor your training to avoid any urge to be a pansy and throw in the towel.

Now, quitting isn’t something that everyone has to worry about. For example, I once ate a pizza the size of a hula-hoop all by my lonesome, just to prove a point to my older brother (and despite the ever-growing need to seek medical assistance). That’s just how I roll. When I set out to do something, there is at least a 77.3% chance that I finish it (see Pie Chart for full break down). For less disciplined individuals, however, there are certain methods that can decrease the temptation to quit.

Four Easy Steps to Achieving your 77.3%

(1) Set Long-Term Goals

First, set a long-term or big-picture goal. This objective should be what you ultimately hope to achieve through your training. For example, your goal might be to complete your first marathon, or maybe you merely want to become the unquestioned ruler of the world. I’m not here to judge your every ambition (though that second one is totally better than the first). The actual goal itself isn’t all that important. The key is to consciously identify an achievement that you’d like to work towards...but do yourself a favor and make sure it isn’t lame or pathetic.

(2) Set Short-Term Goals

Next, set short-term goals to track your improvement and build confidence throughout the training process. These are like the escalator to the final goal. Why an escalator you ask? Because stairs are for drifters and hillbillies, that’s why! Short-term goals might include (a) completing a training run at a certain pace, (b) totaling a set amount of miles in a week, (c) running a half-marathon, or (d) finally getting that cute girl at the coffee shop to drop that restraining order. I included a visual below to help emphasize the importance of setting goals.

I've been told that I cannot legally call the figure in the lower-left corner a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, so be sure to listen to your "Adolescent Karate Tortoise". Then ride that escalator straight to your dreams.

(3) Follow a Set Training Program

In addition to setting both long-term and short-term goals, it’s also essential to find or develop a training program that works for you. To quote the great Kenny Powers, “All the training in the world doesn’t matter if you are doing it like an a-hole.” Having a structured running schedule, with your workouts set in advance, allows you to stay focused and track your progress. Ambiguity and indecision will only make it more difficult to achieve your goals.

(4) Develop a Consistent Daily Routine

Finally, sticking to a consistent workout routine will help keep your training on track. By allotting a specific time for running in your daily schedule, you’ll develop positive training habits and maybe even add a shred of joy to your mundane, depressing life.

Hopefully everyone now understands the importance of goals and structure in the endurance training process. I started this post with a useless quote, but I will now leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Jack Handey to provide inspiration as you strive to achieve your endurance running goals:

“In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

Whoops, that quote was actually supposed to be included in my letter to the International Olympic Committee. This is the Jack Handey quote with which I meant to end this post:

“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.”

“Why hello there, Endurance Running. Do you know karate? Because your body is kicking!”

2011-03-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

By now, everyone must be totally psyched to commence his or her own training. I’m betting that you’re probably so ready to throw on a pair of shoes and pound out a 14 mile tempo run, that if you have to wait another minute, you’ll finally snap and smash a keyboard into your smug co-worker’s crotch. But whoa, you’re going to have to pump the brakes, Turbo.

First of all, you should consult your HR department about personal use of office property before wielding any computer hardware as a weapon. Second, you can’t just dive into Endurance Running like it’s some sort of community pool.

Endurance Running is no floozy, and it’s definitely out of your league. If you approach it with the tact and skill of a Butabi brother from Night at the Roxbury, Endurance Running will slap your face into next week. The only way you’re going to be able to score that fine piece of work is by laying a strong foundation. You need to get to know Endurance Running better. Romance it a little. Prove to it that you’re ready for a long-term relationship. Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, under no circumstances may you invite Endurance Running to “the party in your pants.” I don’t care if everyone else is invited, and you think it would be rude to leave him or her off the guest list. Endurance Running is always going to RSVP a big N-O to that fiesta. I included a visual aid below to help emphasize this point, but don't fret, the post continues under the image.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, why you gotta be throwin’ salt in my game, Puma?!” (FYI: In my head, you all look and talk like Vanilla Ice). But don’t worry; I’m going to be your wingman while you try to woo that fickle temptress/tempter, Endurance Running. Here’s a checklist of appropriate conduct during the courtship period:

1. Consult a Doctor: Wouldn’t you want to know up front that the person hitting on you has a clean bill of health, you know…in the pants?

If you have any preexisting injuries or conditions that have given you trouble in the past, I would recommend consulting a doctor before you start training intensely. This is especially important if you have a history of heart problems. I personally see my doctor before every training session to make sure that the hearts of single women everywhere can handle it (they can’t).

2. Set Goals: How else are you going to prove that this isn’t just a one-night stand?

Setting goals is absolutely essential for anyone beginning a training program. I recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals. For example, my short-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but my long term-goal is to own and operate an intercontinental train that caters exclusively to cats and dogs (though I still haven’t figured out how endurance running will directly lead to the accomplishment of this venture). This is a complex topic, so I’ll give it greater attention in a later post.

3. Assess Your Fitness Level: The breath-check before the first make out session.

It’s important to accurately hone in on your fitness level at the onset of a training cycle by running a time trial of some sort. Not only will this allow you to set challenging, yet achievable goals, but it will also make it easier to track your improvement. For some, this might be as simple as seeing how far you can run without having to stop. For other, more experienced runners, a useful time trial will depend on a number of factors, including your past accomplishments, your target event, and your desired pace.

Personally, I have to be careful when I conduct a time trial, because I'll set out to gauge my fitness level and end up breaking a world record or two. One thing is clear though. Whether I shatter records or they stay intact, the results of my time trials are almost always the same:

Puma’s Fitness Level = Totally Slammin’

So there you have it. These are some of the more important courtship rituals if you’re going to try to finagle your way into Endurance Running’s pants. I know it may seem like a lot of work, but if you play your cards right, Endurance Running might just rock your world. And unlike your typical “romantic encounters”, it’s guaranteed to last longer than 3 minutes, which, by the way, is all you really need if you know what you’re doing…I mean…err…or so I’ve heard…Is it hot in here?

Sorry to disappoint (“That’s what he said.”), but there are no shortcuts to forming a meaningful relationship with Endurance Running. If you don’t think you’ve got the testicular/ovarian fortitude for it, you could always settle for Running’s less attractive friend, Jazzercising (see below).

I take it back, this is freaking awesome!

A couple of things to look out for:

1) The random people on the weight machines in the background

2) Superfan "Paul" going crazy about 3:45 minutes into the clip