"Do a Little Dance"

The legendary British distance runner Jack Lovelock once stated, "I have now learned better than to have my races dictated by the public and the press, so I did not throw away a certain championship merely to amuse the crowd and be spectacular."  I, however, am going to respectfully disagree with Jack on this one.  Yes, winning is extremely important, but what's the point if (a) nobody notices your triumph, and (b) your opponent doesn't feel totally humiliated after you defeat him?  After all, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't know the answer to that stupid question, because I don't spend much time in the boring forest.  However, given the choice, which tree would you rather be:  The isolated one in nature that nobody cares about or the one that falls on an unsuspecting double-wide after some hillbilly tries to saw it down?  I think we can all agree that if we were trees, the second option would be the preferred way to go.  

That is why Puma chooses to win with some "tasteful" (more or less) flare.  After the race is over, the other competitors undoubtedly know that their sad and pathetic lives were forever rocked by the one and only Puma.  Then, to really rub their nose in it, I like to pile on the misery with some hauntingly spectacular victory dances.  I have countless numbers of celebrations at my personal disposal. They have been perfected over the years and have crushed many a soul.

At this point, you are probably wondering how you can develop your own spectacular celebratory rituals.  Well the formula looks something like this:

To conclude this post, I included some of the greatest victory celebrations of all time to help inspire your own efforts:

1) Soccer Hooligans -- The redeeming quality of this celebration is the ridiculousness.  The other team should definitely feel bad about letting this team of idiots score a goal against them. They very clearly spend all of their practice time rehearsing mildly homoerotic victory celebrations.

However, they can't all be winners.  Here is the same soccer team, but they definitely missed the mark on this one.  A couple of questions come to mind: (1) Who thought this was a good idea? (2) Who says "yes" when a teammate asks him to pretend to be a toilet?

2) Gridiron Greats -- "If you don't like us dancing don't let us get in the endzone."

3) Drop It Like It's Hot -- When you put this much thought and preparation into your victory celebration, you better make damn sure you win.  Otherwise, you'll be the loser who just got doused with a fire extinguisher for no gosh darn reason.

4) Ping Pong Prancer -- I'm sure you've probably seen this clip, but it ranks as one of the best ever. It gets extra points for both the short-shorts and the copious amounts of pelvic thrusts.  By the end of the clip you don't ever care that the guy is down 10-1 and that, my friends, is the true victory.

A Glimpse of Greatness

…And we’re back.  I apologize for skipping last Friday’s post, but sometimes pesky responsibilities can get in the way of even the most irresponsible people.

Last week, I noted that my training program for the Long Beach marathon started recently, despite the fact that the race is over 5 months away.  Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into the very complex and technical running schedule I use to prepare for my marathons.  However, before we dive into the specifics, I must first convey the mythical origins of the Puma’s highly-coveted training program, commonly referred to as “The Run-etta Stone”:

It was a cold and stormy knight, and a twenty-one year old Puma had just finished zipping up his footy pajamas.  He was sleepy from his long day of arts and crafts activities, so he climbed into his plastic race car bed in the hopes of getting a good night’s sleep.  After he laid his head upon his pillow and pulled his Jurassic Park bed sheet up to his chin, he closed his eyes and quickly fell fast asleep.

With his long legs dangling over the end of the tiny, yet totally age-appropriate bed, Puma suddenly drifted off into a mysterious dream world.  When he came to, the pajama-clad Puma found himself on top of snowy mountain peak.  Though confused and a little bit hungry, Puma forged forward, looking for any possible signs of life.  As he climbed down the rocky mountainside, the bewildered hero stumbled upon a deep cave with a faint light emanating from within.  Thinking there might be a shiny and entertaining object in the cave, Puma courageously entered the intimidating hollow (that's what he said). 

As he drove deeper into the cavern, the light grew brighter and brighter.  The glow finally grew so bright that Puma had to avert his eyes from the overpowering glare.  Lucky for Puma, however, he always keeps a pair of Elton John-style sunglasses in his pajama pockets, so he dramatically placed his kickin’ shades on his face and continued toward the shimmering object.

When he finally gazed upon his target, Puma was amazed to find a tattered and torn book illuminated by a Star Wars nightlight.  On top of the book was a scribbled note:

Dear Chewbacca Puma,

I bestow upon you this epic training guide to help you on your quest for endurance greatness.  Follow this program closely, and you shall be victorious, just like that time we brought down the Empire with nothing but a tribe of furry teddy bears wielding sharp sticks.  How weird was that? 

By the way, Luke has been a real prick since he became a Jedi, and Princess Leia is constantly nagging me these days.  It’s all “nerfherder this” and nerfherder that.”  What the hell does that even mean?!  Anyways, heed the teachings of this guide and you'll make point five passed lightspeed before you know it.

He'd kick the crap out
of your lame spirit
guide.

Your Spirit Guide,

Han Solo

P.S.  How hilarious was it when that tin can, Boba Fett, got eaten by that sand monster?  He was all, “No, don’t eat me, AAAAARG!”  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.  That a-hole can suck it!

Just as Puma finished reading the note, he woke up in his familiar race car bed.  At first he thought the whole thing was a dream, but then, to his amazement, Puma discovered that someone had both slipped the tattered training guide under his pillow and soiled his pajamas while he was sleeping.

 The End?

Now, without further ado, here is a glimpse of my top-secret training guide: