A Glimpse of Greatness

…And we’re back.  I apologize for skipping last Friday’s post, but sometimes pesky responsibilities can get in the way of even the most irresponsible people.

Last week, I noted that my training program for the Long Beach marathon started recently, despite the fact that the race is over 5 months away.  Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into the very complex and technical running schedule I use to prepare for my marathons.  However, before we dive into the specifics, I must first convey the mythical origins of the Puma’s highly-coveted training program, commonly referred to as “The Run-etta Stone”:

It was a cold and stormy knight, and a twenty-one year old Puma had just finished zipping up his footy pajamas.  He was sleepy from his long day of arts and crafts activities, so he climbed into his plastic race car bed in the hopes of getting a good night’s sleep.  After he laid his head upon his pillow and pulled his Jurassic Park bed sheet up to his chin, he closed his eyes and quickly fell fast asleep.

With his long legs dangling over the end of the tiny, yet totally age-appropriate bed, Puma suddenly drifted off into a mysterious dream world.  When he came to, the pajama-clad Puma found himself on top of snowy mountain peak.  Though confused and a little bit hungry, Puma forged forward, looking for any possible signs of life.  As he climbed down the rocky mountainside, the bewildered hero stumbled upon a deep cave with a faint light emanating from within.  Thinking there might be a shiny and entertaining object in the cave, Puma courageously entered the intimidating hollow (that's what he said). 

As he drove deeper into the cavern, the light grew brighter and brighter.  The glow finally grew so bright that Puma had to avert his eyes from the overpowering glare.  Lucky for Puma, however, he always keeps a pair of Elton John-style sunglasses in his pajama pockets, so he dramatically placed his kickin’ shades on his face and continued toward the shimmering object.

When he finally gazed upon his target, Puma was amazed to find a tattered and torn book illuminated by a Star Wars nightlight.  On top of the book was a scribbled note:

Dear Chewbacca Puma,

I bestow upon you this epic training guide to help you on your quest for endurance greatness.  Follow this program closely, and you shall be victorious, just like that time we brought down the Empire with nothing but a tribe of furry teddy bears wielding sharp sticks.  How weird was that? 

By the way, Luke has been a real prick since he became a Jedi, and Princess Leia is constantly nagging me these days.  It’s all “nerfherder this” and nerfherder that.”  What the hell does that even mean?!  Anyways, heed the teachings of this guide and you'll make point five passed lightspeed before you know it.

He'd kick the crap out
of your lame spirit
guide.

Your Spirit Guide,

Han Solo

P.S.  How hilarious was it when that tin can, Boba Fett, got eaten by that sand monster?  He was all, “No, don’t eat me, AAAAARG!”  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.  That a-hole can suck it!

Just as Puma finished reading the note, he woke up in his familiar race car bed.  At first he thought the whole thing was a dream, but then, to his amazement, Puma discovered that someone had both slipped the tattered training guide under his pillow and soiled his pajamas while he was sleeping.

 The End?

Now, without further ado, here is a glimpse of my top-secret training guide: