Puma v. The Press

Today’s post contains bonus coverage of my performance in the Emerald Across the Bay 12k.  Up to this point, you know the results and can kind of deduce what happened in the race by referring back to my riveting summary, “Puma and the Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes,” but you don’t know how I dealt with the public firestorm that followed the race.

Not Pictured: The bald eagle's
battle-axe and machine gun

After watching Puma struggle through the 7.5 mile course, the media vultures began circling.  They all hoped to catch that first glimpse of a Charlie Sheen-like mental breakdown.  However, unlike Carlos Irwin Estevez (seriously, Irwin?), Puma don’t play that game.  Charlie might have Adonis DNA and tiger blood running through his veins, but I have the indomitable spirit of a colossal bald eagle clutching a battle-axe in one talon and a machine gun in another.  Let’s see your Adonis DNA deal with that!

To confront the fallout head on, I called a press conference after turning in the somewhat disappointing result.  It was easy to get all of the reporters there, because each one is a figment of my imagination.  What resulted was one of the most entertaining press conferences of all time.  If I were to rank it, the presser would probably be sitting at #4 right now, behind these little nuggets:

1) Dennis Green

 2) Allen Iverson

3)    Jim Mora

 Here is a transcript from the press conference:

PUMA:  Everyone shut up! If it’s okay with all of you nincompoops, I would like to get this started.  I have a recorded episode of Oprah waiting for me at home, and it's not going to watch itself.  I’ll be calling on the reporters personally.  However, since none of you are important enough to know by name, I will refer to you based on whatever pops into my head first when I see you.

So, let’s begin with you over there in the corner, the one that looks like a potential sex offender.

REPORTER 1 (R1):  Are you talking about me?

PUMA:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m talking to the other guy with the creepy mustache. Of course I’m talking to you, Roman Polanski.  You have a question or not?

R1:  I get a lot of compliments on this mustache.

PUMA:  Look, I don’t care what your Mom has to say about your mustache, buddy. Just ask your damn question.

R1:  You started out the race extremely fast, running the first mile in 6 minutes and 20 seconds.  Was that part of your plan, or do you think you wasted energy?

PUMA:  Well, if you had bothered doing any research on the race instead of grooming that pathetic excuse for a mustache, you would have seen that the first mile is almost completely downhill.  I was just cruising at that speed trying to give myself a cushion going into miles 2 and 3, which would be much slower. 

Next question! Let’s go with you in the front. The woman with the perm.

REPORTER 2 (R2):  I’m a man and I don’t have a perm.

PUMA:  I just call it as I see it, pal.  Ask your question.

R2:  I’m actually pretty offended.  I think you should apologize.

PUMA:  Okay, fine. You don’t actually look like a woman, but you certainly just displayed the emotional fragility of a teenage girl.

R2:  That’s not even close to an apology.

PUMA:  Well, that’s the best you’re going to get, so we might as well move on.

R2:  I’m leaving.

PUMA:  That’s probably for the best.  I think there’s a sale at Forever 21 today.

Let’s see, who’s next…you, Mullet McGee in the back.

REPORTER 3(R3):  I'm actually okay with that one.  You were on your goal pace through the first 4 miles.  What happened? Do you feel like you could have held on to that for a little while longer?

PUMA:  Yeah, I was on pace through the first 4 miles, but miles 2 and 3 proved to be more tiring than expected.  The wind on the Golden Gate Bridge did not help the situation either.  I’m a tall man, so wind is not kind to my masculine physique. 

We have time for a couple more questions, so let’s move on.  You over there, with the bubble butt.

REPORTER 4 (R4):  My name is Janet.

PUMA:  What am I, writing your memoirs?  I don’t care what your name is.  Ask your question.

R4:  Could you give the public some tips, so men and women everywhere can be more like you?

PUMA:   First of all, you will never be me! Second of all, I forgot your question!

Let’s keep this thing moving forward.  The last question will go to skinny Al Roker over there.

REPORTER 5 (R5):  I’ve actually heard that comparison before.  Now that the Emerald Across the Bay 12k has passed in disappointing fashion, what do you have planned next?

PUMA:  Let me answer your question with another question.  SHUT UP!

R5:  That’s not a question.

PUMA:  This press conference is over! (Storms of the stage)

All in all, I think I handled that pretty well.  Next week, Peace With Inches will be back on its typical, Tuesday/Friday schedule.  Upcoming topics include proper running attire and workout playlists.

The Shoe Issue

A wise man once said, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."  Now, I'm all for stealing other people's belongings, but you can't just slap a random pair of L.A. Lights onto those hooves you call feet and set out on a run.  That would be crazy, and not the "Oh man, spring break in Cabo was crazy" type of crazy.  The "Charlie Sheen, 'they picked a fight with a warlock'" type of crazy:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body." -- Charlie "Why Don't You Believe I'm Sober?" Sheen

I don't care if the other competitors
were 7 years old, Dusty Hammer and
"The Vanquisher" just taught those 2nd
Graders a very valuable lesson:
Don't mess with Dusty Hammer
and "The Vanquisher"!

Finding the proper pair of running shoes is essential if you hope to achieve even a fraction of the success I've experienced in my lifetime.  Think about it.  Would King Arthur engage in battle without his trusty sword, Excalibur?  Would Willie Nelson perform at a concert without his trusty bong, Ole’ Smoky?  Would potato sack race legend Dusty Hammer compete in the annual Idaho Spuds Potato Sack Dash without his trusty sack, “The Vanquisher”?  You get the point.

So what should you look for when selecting a pair of running shoes?  This is actually an extremely complex question, and it can’t be answered in an illogical and semi-incoherent blog post, no matter how tall and sexy the author may be.  If you’re foolishly looking for me to actually provide some valuable insight, well…ha…this is definitely your first visit to Peace with Inches.  Welcome, and prepare to be sorely disappointed (That’s what he said).  If you're searching for the the appropriate shoe for your style and foot type, I recommend visiting a running store (a store that specializes in running; not a general sporting goods store).  At the very least, you should consult the most up-to-date reviews put out by the magazine, Runner’s World. The Spring 2011 article can be found at: 

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-400--13825-0,00.html

Having said that, I’ll now share my own hilarious, yet ultimately useless, insights on the topic.  These are really just random observations on some of the options out there.

Asics:  The Puma’s current brand of choice.  One of the few brands that doesn't melt right off my feet when I lay down scorching fast race times.  They even remain intact after my wickedly seductive (yet humble) victory dances.    

Nike:  For the longest time, Nike was the scorn of many serious endurance runners.  It seemed like their designers put an emphasis on aesthetics, at the cost of insignificant little things, such as comfort and durability.  Over the past couple of years, however, Nike has tried to revamp their image within the running population, and unlike those desperate Taco Bell commercials concerning the quality of their “beef”, Nike’s actually had some success.

On a slightly related note, almost all Nike Running shoes are “Nike+” compatible.  If you purchase the Nike+ package, you get a chip that goes into the sole of your shoe and a device that plugs into into your iPod or iPhone.  When used in combination, the Nike+ gear gives audible speed and distance readouts.  The program also provides motivational messages throughout the training process, if desired.

I tried the Nike+ program, and I can’t say I’m a fan.  There are a couple of problems.  First, the speed and distance measurements are fairly inaccurate, even after recalibrating the device.  I could, however, deal with that on a day-to-day basis.  My bigger gripe is that the supposedly motivational messages are extremely creepy.  Imagine my surprise when Lance Armstrong unexpectedly started talking to me in the middle of an evening training session.  The only thing this message motivated me to do was crap my pants in terror.  How would you like to be running by yourself, when you suddenly hear: 

Just out for a shirtless stroll on the boardwalk. Can you say
Bro-mance?

“This is Lance Armstrong. You’ve just completed your first mileage goal.  Great work!  Keep it up!... By the way, you look so peaceful when you sleep.  Also, you might want to get that mole on your butt checked out by a doctor.  I know from experience.” 

Ok, I might have made that last part up, but having Lance whisper sweet nothings in my ear doesn’t exactly get my motor going.  Maybe that works for his hetero life-mate, Matthew McConaughey, but not this guy.   

Addidas:  I’ve been told that Addidas does in fact produce a line of running shoes, though I can’t say I’ve ever tried a pair.  Their top of the line model incorporates BOUNCE™ technology, which is supposed to “optimize energy return and step-in comfort.”  However, those of you who watched Nickelodeon in the late 80’s and early 90’s most likely recognize this technology to be a more streamlined version of the old “Moon Shoes”.  Sure, those mini-trampolines look like fun and go great with a tuxedo, but I wouldn’t want to run a marathon in them.

 

EQUALS

K-Swiss:  Who cares if their shoes are any good? If they keep making commercials like this, I will buy whatever they're selling.

“Tubes. If you don’t like them, then change your mind.”

Brooks:  Haven’t used these shoes very much over the past several years, but they have a shoe called “The Beast” so at least their hearts are in the right place.

Saucony:  Not sure how to pronounce it, so I definitely won’t wear it.

Friends don't let friends
run in Aquasocks!

Vibram:  The Vibram “FiveFingers” seem to be gaining popularity these days, though I’m not eager to jump onto the rubber moccasin bandwagon.  If you want, you can pay me the $80 you would spend on these heavy-duty Glad bags, and I’ll just repeatedly bash your feet with a meat tenderizer.  I think the long-term effect will be relatively similar. 

Teva Sandals & Black Socks:  Though stylish, this combination offers very little in terms of support.

The black socks really accentuate those lean and pasty calves.

Barefoot:  Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who run entire marathons barefoot.  I personally encountered one of these runners during the San Diego Marathon.  Not only were this man’s feet completely bare, but he also ran the entire marathon in cut-off jean shorts and waist-length, billowing hair that flowed behind him like a cape.  I don’t know if there is actually a heaven, but I’m pretty sure this being was an angel.