A New Hope

By now, you might be thinking to yourself: “Puma, your advice is both practical and oddly arousing.  However, what the hell are you doing right now that’s so great?  Why should I listen to you?”  That’s a fair question, but I really wish you would shut your big yap, you unappreciative Philistine!!! If you were here right now, I would punch you in one of your face holes!!!

Oh my. I apologize for that outburst.  I’ve been a little irritable since the revolutionary Disney Channel show, Hannah Montana, concluded earlier this year…Did I say Hannah Montana? Oops. I obviously meant to name a much less embarrassing show…like…um…24.  Yeah, 24, that will do nicely, with its dramatic car chases, tense gunfights and random nuclear explosions.  Well now that I have your attention (and lost your respect), I’ll finally give you an update on my own training.

I know this may be hard to believe (and I apologize to those of you who thought I was a funky robot programmed to win races and steal hearts), but I’m actually coming back from a fairly severe foot injury.  Remember folks; I am in fact human. When I where pants, I put them on like everyone else, provided that everyone else puts their pants on like this:

So, as I was saying, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot during November of last year.  The doctor said the fracture most likely resulted from overuse, but it’s my belief that a jealous competitor repeatedly bashed my foot with a tack hammer while I was in a post-burrito food coma.  That is really the only reasonable conclusion, because this fined-tuned body does not breakdown under normal circumstances.

Slowly working my way back into marathon shape has proved challenging to this point, but I’ve been following the carefully designed steps that I outlined in my previous posts. Here’s a quick outline of where I am right now:

           

·      My Long-Term Goal: Run a sub-3 hour marathon

·      My Short Term Goals:

o   Defend my title in the Clydesdale Division of the Emerald 12k Across the Bay (March 20^th).

o   Run the Chicago Marathon (October 8^th) in 3 hours and 20 minutes

o   Run the CIM International Marathon (December 4^th) in 3 hours and 10 minutes, and qualify for the Boston Marathon.

·      Time Trials: Conducted a couple of these to test various distances and speeds

o   2/11/2010: 10 miles—1:16:39 (7:37 pace) [Marathon Pace]

o   2/21/2010: 4 miles—27:17 (6:48 pace) [12k pace]

The medal was awarded
for having "facial hair of
valor" during the Franco-
Prussian War.

While these times are respectable given the circumstances, I have a lot of work to do if I hope achieve the ambitious goals listed above.  But it’s like the saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, at least you’ll be flying uncontrollably through space, and that seems pretty cool.” That might not be the exact phrasing, but you get the gist.

In addition to increasing my running tempo, I’m gradually building my weekly mileage totals as well.  The best endurance runners in the world typically run more than 100 miles per week.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards.  Unlike those sad workaholics, I can kick-ass with a mere fraction of that effort.  I’m running about 40 miles a week now, but during peak training weeks I should get up to about 60-65 miles.  To further increase my mileage would cut into my time as a Franco-Prussian War reenactor, and that is a sacrifice that I am NOT willing to make. 

Here’s what a typical week looks like when my training program is in full swing:

	Run	Total Distance	Pace
Monday	Day Off	Couch to Bathroom	Depends on what I ate
Tuesday	Speed Work	6 miles	800m intervals at 6:00 min/mile
Wednesday	Easy Run	10 miles	8:15 min/mile
Thursday	Speed Work	10 miles	1 to 2 mile intervals at 6:30 min/mile
Friday	Easy Run	8 miles	8:15 min/mile
Saturday	Very Easy Run	4 miles	9:00 min/mile
Sunday	Long Run	22 miles	Goal Marathon Pace
		60 miles Total

Soak it in folks.  ‘Tis but a small glimpse at Puma’s secret recipe for success.  Don’t be intimidated if my running program makes your paltry exercise routine look feeble and silly, because eventually we’ll get your workouts, which metaphorically look like this right now…

…to look all cocky and egotistical, like this, in the future:

 

“Why hello there, Endurance Running. Do you know karate? Because your body is kicking!”

By now, everyone must be totally psyched to commence his or her own training.  I’m betting that you’re probably so ready to throw on a pair of shoes and pound out a 14 mile tempo run, that if you have to wait another minute, you’ll finally snap and smash a keyboard into your smug co-worker’s crotch.  But whoa, you’re going to have to pump the brakes, Turbo. 

First of all, you should consult your HR department about personal use of office property before wielding any computer hardware as a weapon.  Second, you can’t just dive into Endurance Running like it’s some sort of community pool.

Endurance Running is no floozy, and it’s definitely out of your league.  If you approach it with the tact and skill of a Butabi brother from Night at the Roxbury, Endurance Running will slap your face into next week.  The only way you’re going to be able to score that fine piece of work is by laying a strong foundation.  You need to get to know Endurance Running better.  Romance it a little.  Prove to it that you’re ready for a long-term relationship.  Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, under no circumstances may you invite Endurance Running to “the party in your pants.”  I don’t care if everyone else is invited, and you think it would be rude to leave him or her off the guest list.  Endurance Running is always going to RSVP a big N-O to that fiesta.  I included a visual aid below to help emphasize this point, but don't fret, the post continues under the image.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, why you gotta be throwin’ salt in my game, Puma?!” (FYI: In my head, you all look and talk like Vanilla Ice).  But don’t worry; I’m going to be your wingman while you try to woo that fickle temptress/tempter, Endurance Running.  Here’s a checklist of appropriate conduct during the courtship period:

1.     Consult a Doctor: Wouldn’t you want to know up front that the person hitting on you has a clean bill of health, you know…in the pants?

If you have any preexisting injuries or conditions that have given you trouble in the past, I would recommend consulting a doctor before you start training intensely.  This is especially important if you have a history of heart problems.  I personally see my doctor before every training session to make sure that the hearts of single women everywhere can handle it (they can’t).

2.     Set Goals: How else are you going to prove that this isn’t just a one-night stand?

Setting goals is absolutely essential for anyone beginning a training program.  I recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals.  For example, my short-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but my long term-goal is to own and operate an intercontinental train that caters exclusively to cats and dogs (though I still haven’t figured out how endurance running will directly lead to the accomplishment of this venture).  This is a complex topic, so I’ll give it greater attention in a later post.

3.      Assess Your Fitness Level: The breath-check before the first make out session.

It’s important to accurately hone in on your fitness level at the onset of a training cycle by running a time trial of some sort.  Not only will this allow you to set challenging, yet achievable goals, but it will also make it easier to track your improvement.  For some, this might be as simple as seeing how far you can run without having to stop.  For other, more experienced runners, a useful time trial will depend on a number of factors, including your past accomplishments, your target event, and your desired pace.

Personally, I have to be careful when I conduct a time trial, because I'll set out to gauge my fitness level and end up breaking a world record or two.  One thing is clear though.  Whether I shatter records or they stay intact, the results of my time trials are almost always the same:

Puma’s Fitness Level = Totally Slammin’

So there you have it.  These are some of the more important courtship rituals if you’re going to try to finagle your way into Endurance Running’s pants.  I know it may seem like a lot of work, but if you play your cards right, Endurance Running might just rock your world.  And unlike your typical “romantic encounters”, it’s guaranteed to last longer than 3 minutes, which, by the way, is all you really need if you know what you’re doing…I mean…err…or so I’ve heard…Is it hot in here?

Sorry to disappoint (“That’s what he said.”), but there are no shortcuts to forming a meaningful relationship with Endurance Running.  If you don’t think you’ve got the testicular/ovarian fortitude for it, you could always settle for Running’s less attractive friend, Jazzercising (see below).

I take it back, this is freaking awesome!

A couple of things to look out for:

1) The random people on the weight machines in the background

 2) Superfan "Paul" going crazy about 3:45 minutes into the clip