Puma Solves Your Problems, Episode 1

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid question."  I, however, see that statement as a challenge.  If a truly stupid question does exist somewhere in the world, I vow to discover and ask it at the most inappropriate time possible.  I'll let you know how this quest progresses, but today's post isn't about me.  It's about you, the loyal reader.

As promised, "The Puma" will reach deep into his mailbag (not to be confused with Puma's "male bag") and answer your questions.  To commemorate this momentous occasion, I asked the two most iconic mailmen ever to be here.  Unfortunately, I could only get these guys to show up:

So without further ado, I give you episode 1 of the new segment, "Puma Solves Your Problems": 

1.  GM asks  “Did any role models help inspire you to reach undiscovered levels of endurance awesomeness?”

A:  Short answer = NO.  Long Answer = HELL TO THE NO.

2.  On a related topic, BK asks “Is it weird to you that while Chuck Norris is the idol of many, only you are the idol of Chuck Norris?”

A:  Yes, it is true that Chuck Norris does in fact idolize the one known as “The Puma,” but I try to distance myself from Walker Texas Ranger whenever possible.  It’s my personal belief that Mr. Norris is a turkey of the jive variety.

3.  Random Police Officer asks “Seriously sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

A:  What are you, the pants police? Don’t worry about it.

4.  BK also asks “Have you ever had to purchase flame-retardant running shoes to keep yourself from catching fire as you set a blistering pace?”

A:  Very good question.  My shoes usually melt off my feet around mile three, but I have a crack team of NASA scientists working on the issue…and by “crack team of NASA scientists,” I mean a high school Chemistry student wearing a lab coat…and by "a lab coat," I mean a SpongeBob SquarePants sweatshirt.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure that kid was in high school.  Who the hell did I give my shoes to?

5.  PF asks “In an earlier post, you mentioned that a runner should gauge their fitness level before training seriously.  Do you have some sort of rating system?”

            A:  I’m glad you asked.  Here is The Puma’s very scientific fitnessometer:

 6.  RO asks “Puma, I don’t have much luck with the ladies.  If I start running, will I be more attractive to the opposite sex?

A:  Opposite sex. Same sex. Hell, even the more intelligent monkey species are going to want you.  You will, quite literally, be fighting them off with a stick (stick pictured at right).  It’s important to remember, however, that it doesn’t matter who makes the first move, hugging a monkey will still get you kicked out of the zoo.

7.  FH asks Does this look infected to you?

A:  I’m not sure you truly understand how this segment works. I can’t actually see you right now, so any guess would be a wild stab in the dark.  General rule of thumb though: If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.

8.  JA asks “If an evil scientist stole some of your DNA and cloned an evil version of you, could you beat the “Evil Puma” in a race?

A:  An evil version of myself? I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t have one of those…anymore.  But to answer your question, I would win every time.  While “Evil Puma” and I are equally matched physically, he would waste time pouring sugar into people’s gas tanks and stealing candy from babies (which is harder than it looks…er…or so I’ve heard).

Well, that wraps up today's segment.  I'm sorry if I didn't get to your question, but don't worry, I'll most likely answer it in the next installment of "Puma Solves Your Problems."  Remember, you can submit your questions anytime by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Tune in next Tuesday for a thrilling update of Puma's current training program.

Memories

The Peace With Inches office party:
celebrating 1000 pageviews with our
downstairs neighbor, Leonard.

When Mark Zuckerberg launched The Facebook,  the social networking site generated 22,000 pageviews in the first two hours.  The revolutionary blog, Peace With Inches, is just slightly off that impressive pace, as it only took a mere 42 days to reach 1,000 pageviews.  Watch out Zuckerberg, because those thundering, ever-present footsteps behind you belong to the Puma.

With this blog reaching its first milestone, it seems appropriate to briefly summarize where we’ve been so far on this magic carpet ride. However, before we begin our journey down memory lane, I want to introduce an exciting new segment that will allow you, the adoring public, to ask Puma your questions. The segment, called "Puma Solves Your Problems," will start up in the coming weeks, so send your questions in by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Whether you're an athlete looking for some advice on your training or a curious toddler who wants to know where babies come from, all questions are welcome.

It's now time for a nostalgic recap of some of the highlights so far.  I created this picture montage to commemorate the blog's first 1000 pageviews.  The video serves as a tribute to some of the blog’s more influential characters, and it includes the memorable and captivating images of the first 13 posts.  Every image in this montage has either been previously displayed or the subject matter of the picture has been referenced in the text of an earlier posting, except for one.  I will give a signed picture of Chuck Norris to the person who can name that image first in a comment to this post. (Disclaimer: The picture is signed by me, Puma, not Chuck Norris. So you're trying to win a picture of Chuck Norris with Puma's autograph on it. Just want to be clear about that.)

So remember to send those questions to Puma at peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com, and stay tuned as Peace With Inches continues to develop and expand, enhancing your reading pleasure.

Update: In my first blog post, I challenged Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Robocop to a 20-mile trail race in which all competitors must roundhouse kick someone in the face at every mile marker.  I'm still waiting for a response from all three of the so-called "tough guys" (though I did hear that Robocop soiled his metal underpants in fright when he heard of the challenge). 

I hope you have health insurance, because I’m about to blow your mind.

When I bump into one of this blog’s many followers (current grand total = 0), they always ask me the same question:  “Sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?” (P.S. You’re welcome world).  After having me physically removed from whatever public establishment I entered (by the way, the fascists at Starbucks really frown on the no pants thing), the second question is usually “what does the title of your bitchin’ blog, Peace With Inches, mean?”  The answer to that question is so simple that you should feel stupid for asking it: I have no clue what it means, but it sounds hardcore and dramatic, so I just rolled with it.

Having said that, I suppose I should give some explanation of what you can come to expect from Peace With Inches.  Well, I don’t want to raise expectations too high, but this blog will make John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath look like the potty training manual, Everybody Poops.  In Peace with Inches, I will chronicle my exploits in the world of endurance running.  Not only will you be my shadow as I train for and race in various long distance competitions, but I’ll also give you an inside peek into the mental makeup of the man known only as “The Puma”.  This blog is meant primarily to be a record of my conquests, so future generations can truly appreciate the magnitude of my awesomeness.  Yet, I figure if I can help a few schmucks with their sad, insignificant lives, maybe the judge will knock off some of those court-appointed community service hours that I still have to complete.

As for my writing style, have you ever lost sleep wondering what it would be like if the Eastbound and Down character Kenny Powers participated in a real sport and then had the decency to write about it in an Internet blog with all the charm and intelligence of Stephen Colbert?  Well, wipe those tears from your face crybaby, because your prayers have been answered.   

Nothing intimidates criminals like a
souped-up can opener driving a
Late 80's Ford Taurus.

I know what a lot of you are thinking at this point. “Gee, this Puma fellow seems like a real bad-ass, but how does he stack up against the legendary tough guys of yore like Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, or RoboCop?”  Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m tougher than those guys, because it’s impossible to draw a comparison between their isolated kung fu skills and my killer endurance abilities.  Sure, Chuck Norris is awesome at kicking bad guys in the face, but has he ever run a marathon?  I haven’t looked into the matter due to a deep-seeded belief that research is for pansies, but I’m going affirmatively state that he’s never had the stones to run the full 26.2. 

The only way to truly solve the eternal “Who’s tougher?” question is to combine our epic strengths into a single competition.  Here is what I suggest: A 20 mile footrace through the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range in which we have to roundhouse kick someone in the face every half-mile (any volunteers?).  As you can see, this race is precisely calibrated to include the strengths of all competitors, thus ensuring an accurate and fair playing field.  So bring it on Chuck, Steven and/or RoboCop.  If you wish to accept, the only means of reaching me is by carrier pigeon.

Side Note: There is the outside chance that a competition of this magnitude could actually dislodge the Earth from it’s orbital path, propelling it onto a collision course with one of those crappy planets that I always forget the names of…let’s call them “Not Earths”.

This is merely a sneak peek of things to come.  So strap yourself in world, it’s going to be a wild ride (you may want to pack an extra pair of underpants).