"Turn Up The Radio!"

When I walk into my local gym, three thoughts immediately pop into my head: (1) “What’s that smell?” (2) “Why is that elderly gentleman in the mesh tank top staring at me?” and (3) “Man, I wish I thought of iPods before Apple.”

They say a picture is worth a thousand
words, but when I look at this, only
one comes to mind: WHY?

Ever since Apple introduced their line of iPods to the public, music and exercise have been as inseparable as Richard Simmons and bedazzled tank tops.  Whether it’s House music blaring during spin class or a sorority girl listening to the Spice Girls while reading a magazine on an elliptical (are you really that bored?), music and exercise are deeply intertwined.  This may seem like a match made in heaven (like cowboys and ninjas), but as usual, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. 

If you, or someone you know is showing signs of Music Dependency, such as foregoing a trip to the gym because he or she left their iPod at home, contact Puma and I will personally enroll them in my carefully designed three-step program to battle the addiction (Step 1 = Throw iPod into wood chipper; Step 2 = Slap addict in the face; Step 3 = Take a nap).

Having said that, music plays a crucial role in athletics and, more specifically, endurance training.  Could Rocky have single-handedly ended the Cold War without this epic training montage set to Wolf Parade’s “Hearts on Fire?”  Of course not!  Watch this video with the sound on.  After you're done punch-dancing to the awesome tunes, mute your computer (DO IT!!), and watch the first part of the video again.  Without the music, this is either an instructional workout program or a documentary about farming.  Who can tell?:

Need further proof? Without the musical backdrop in the video below, this iconic scene from Chariots of Fire is just a bunch of skinny British guys running at the beach in their pajamas:

Both of these videos persuasively demonstrate the important role that music can play in endurance training.  So how can you most effectively utilize musical motivation while exercising?  Don’t worry, Puma’s here to help.  After all, I may not truly understand the depth and power of music, but I appreciate the noise it makes.

Puma’s (Mostly) Foolproof Musical Strategy

1)   Plan Ahead—Preselect songs before you start your exercise.  This way, you won’t have to fiddle with your iPod while working out, freeing you of a costly distraction.  Under no circumstances may you just hit shuffle and go to town.  There is nothing worse then getting hit with a big dose of Hanson’s "MMMBop" when you reach the climax of your workout (and yes, I know it’s in your iTunes library.  Don’t lie.).

2)   Know What Motivates You—Each one of my playlists starts with an audio recording of my 3^rd grade Physical Education teacher telling me I’d never amount to anything. This ritual fills me with the requisite level of rage to commence any workout (after a brief, five-minute cry session in my bathtub).

3)   Select Workout Appropriate Songs— Tailor your playlists to the specific type of workout you’re trying to complete.

                                               i.     Long Runs—Focus, relaxation and rhythm are key when running 10+ miles.  Slowing things down a bit musically can help achieve these elements of the run.  I’m not saying you need to go all "Junior High Slow Jams" on that thing, but you’ll completely desensitize yourself to “Pump Up Jams” by trying to string together one to three hours of them on a playlist.  So save Will Smith’s “Get Jiggy With It” for the very end of your workout, when you need an adrenalin boost.

Screw you, Iceman!

                                              ii.     Shirtless Beach Volleyball Games ala Top Gun—Pump up “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins, hit repeat, and spike that smug grin right off Iceman’s face!

                                            iii.     Speed Work—Okay, now it’s appropriate to blast your eardrums into an adrenalin-induced stupor.  For example, here is one of Puma’s epically intense playlists.  I save this bad boy for only the most difficult of workouts:

Song	Artist	Explanation
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”	Elton John	Nothing gets me pumped like an effeminate British vocalist talking about fighting.  I imagine the fight would involve a lot of pulled hair, slapped faces, and a spilled appletini or two.
“Ninja Rap”	Vanilla Ice	Go ninja!  Go ninja!  Go! Go ninja!  Go ninja!  Go!  Go!   Go!   Go!  Go!
“It Wasn’t Me”	Shaggy	It helps me run faster if I imagine a furious woman chasing me with some sort of kitchen utensil…What? There actually was a furious woman chasing me with a kitchen utensil? Uh oh…
"Hips Don’t Lie"	Shakira	No sir, they do not. My hips, on the other hand, are filled with gummy bears and deceit.
"Jesse’s Girl"	Rick Springfield	I like to pretend that I do, in fact, know someone named Jesse, and that I am, in fact, stealing that loser’s girlfriend.
"Hold My Hand"	Hootie & The Blowfish	I just really love me some Hootie.
Ghostbusters Theme	Ray Barker Jr.	You’ve got to bring it home strong. “Who ya gonna call?” indeed.

4)   Avoid Clichés—Under no circumstances should these songs appear on your training playlists (There is a specific exception, however, if you want to create an 1980's-style training montage with one of these songs in the background):

                                                   Eminem—Lose Yourself

                                                   50 Cent—In Da Club

                                                  Kanye West—Stronger

                                                  Guns & Roses—Welcome to the Jungle

                                                   Queen—We Will Rock You

                                                  Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me

                                                 White Snake—Here I Go Again on My Own

                                                 Kenny Loggins—Highway to the Danger Zone

                                                  Survivor—Eye of the Tiger

                                                  Europe—The Final Countdown

                                                  Journey—THE ENTIRE CATALOG

5)   Use in Moderation—Leave the iPod at home sometimes.  It’s important to learn how to run without constant musical motivation.  That way you don’t diminish the influence of a carefully constructed playlist when you bust it out for important training runs.  If used too often, the music will become a crutch, and being on crutches is frustrating.  Especially when you can’t drive because your right foot is in a cast, so you need to bum rides from your parents, even though you’re well into your 20’s (true story).

In sum, music can be a valuable training tool for an endurance athlete, but like most things in life, it must be used in moderation.  However, any way you slice it, utilizing an iPod is definitely more efficient than how I used to get my musical motivation…paying a Wham! cover band to sing while I pull them behind me in a rickshaw.  Who wouldn’t run fast with these guys trailing close behind?:

“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting Wrinkles the Soul.”

Sure, Admiral Fluffmuffin (above)
might be wrinkled on the
outside, but this persistent pup's
soul has the youthful skin of a Greek God.

By the way, why is that pile of dirty
laundry running towards me?

The title of this post is a quote from Douglas MacArthur, the American General who commanded the Southwest Pacific Theatre in World War II.  I’ve spent many hours pondering the meaning of this quote, and let me be the first to say, WTF, Dougy Mac? WTF?  “Quitting wrinkles the soul.”  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I’ve judged a lot of people in my day, but never once have I thought to myself, “Damn! That dude’s soul is wrinkled as s!@*."  So, sorry Dougy, but this isn’t exactly one of your pearls of wisdom.  It does, however, prove one crucial point:  Nobody likes a quitter!  You should therefore tailor your training to avoid any urge to be a pansy and throw in the towel.

Now, quitting isn’t something that everyone has to worry about.  For example, I once ate a pizza the size of a hula-hoop all by my lonesome, just to prove a point to my older brother (and despite the ever-growing need to seek medical assistance).  That’s just how I roll.  When I set out to do something, there is at least a 77.3% chance that I finish it (see Pie Chart for full break down). For less disciplined individuals, however, there are certain methods that can decrease the temptation to quit.

Four Easy Steps to Achieving your 77.3%

(1) Set Long-Term Goals

First, set a long-term or big-picture goal.  This objective should be what you ultimately hope to achieve through your training.  For example, your goal might be to complete your first marathon, or maybe you merely want to become the unquestioned ruler of the world.  I’m not here to judge your every ambition (though that second one is totally better than the first).  The actual goal itself isn’t all that important.  The key is to consciously identify an achievement that you’d like to work towards...but do yourself a favor and make sure it isn’t lame or pathetic.

(2) Set Short-Term Goals

Next, set short-term goals to track your improvement and build confidence throughout the training process.  These are like the escalator to the final goal.  Why an escalator you ask? Because stairs are for drifters and hillbillies, that’s why!  Short-term goals might include (a) completing a training run at a certain pace, (b) totaling a set amount of miles in a week, (c) running a half-marathon, or (d) finally getting that cute girl at the coffee shop to drop that restraining order.  I included a visual below to help emphasize the importance of setting goals.

I've been told that I cannot legally call the figure in the lower-left corner a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,  so be sure to listen to your "Adolescent Karate Tortoise".  Then ride that escalator straight to your dreams.

(3) Follow a Set Training Program

In addition to setting both long-term and short-term goals, it’s also essential to find or develop a training program that works for you.  To quote the great Kenny Powers, “All the training in the world doesn’t matter if you are doing it like an a-hole.”  Having a structured running schedule, with your workouts set in advance, allows you to stay focused and track your progress. Ambiguity and indecision will only make it more difficult to achieve your goals.

(4) Develop a Consistent Daily Routine

Finally, sticking to a consistent workout routine will help keep your training on track. By allotting a specific time for running in your daily schedule, you’ll develop positive training habits and maybe even add a shred of joy to your mundane, depressing life.

Hopefully everyone now understands the importance of goals and structure in the endurance training process.  I started this post with a useless quote, but I will now leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Jack Handey to provide inspiration as you strive to achieve your endurance running goals:

“In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

Whoops, that quote was actually supposed to be included in my letter to the International Olympic Committee.  This is the Jack Handey quote with which I meant to end this post:

“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.”