Memories

The Peace With Inches office party:
celebrating 1000 pageviews with our
downstairs neighbor, Leonard.

When Mark Zuckerberg launched The Facebook,  the social networking site generated 22,000 pageviews in the first two hours.  The revolutionary blog, Peace With Inches, is just slightly off that impressive pace, as it only took a mere 42 days to reach 1,000 pageviews.  Watch out Zuckerberg, because those thundering, ever-present footsteps behind you belong to the Puma.

With this blog reaching its first milestone, it seems appropriate to briefly summarize where we’ve been so far on this magic carpet ride. However, before we begin our journey down memory lane, I want to introduce an exciting new segment that will allow you, the adoring public, to ask Puma your questions. The segment, called "Puma Solves Your Problems," will start up in the coming weeks, so send your questions in by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Whether you're an athlete looking for some advice on your training or a curious toddler who wants to know where babies come from, all questions are welcome.

It's now time for a nostalgic recap of some of the highlights so far.  I created this picture montage to commemorate the blog's first 1000 pageviews.  The video serves as a tribute to some of the blog’s more influential characters, and it includes the memorable and captivating images of the first 13 posts.  Every image in this montage has either been previously displayed or the subject matter of the picture has been referenced in the text of an earlier posting, except for one.  I will give a signed picture of Chuck Norris to the person who can name that image first in a comment to this post. (Disclaimer: The picture is signed by me, Puma, not Chuck Norris. So you're trying to win a picture of Chuck Norris with Puma's autograph on it. Just want to be clear about that.)

So remember to send those questions to Puma at peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com, and stay tuned as Peace With Inches continues to develop and expand, enhancing your reading pleasure.

Update: In my first blog post, I challenged Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Robocop to a 20-mile trail race in which all competitors must roundhouse kick someone in the face at every mile marker.  I'm still waiting for a response from all three of the so-called "tough guys" (though I did hear that Robocop soiled his metal underpants in fright when he heard of the challenge). 

Who Wears Short-Shorts? Puma Wears Short-Shorts!

The Greek poet Euripides once said, “Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.”  Deep, right?  I opened with this quote for two reasons.  First, it’s surprisingly relevant to today’s topic, the proper attire for endurance training.  Second, and more importantly, the quote makes me seem pensive and intelligent (Don’t worry, that impression will be shattered quite rapidly as you continue to read).

Finding the proper workout attire is essential to achieving your own peak performance.  The marketing departments at the major clothing companies want you to believe that you have to look like these schmucks when running:

BOOOOORING.  Unlike the wardrobe snobs in this blatantly inclusive clothing advertisement, I like to dress with some flare.  It's like I always say, "If people aren’t staring at you when you run down the street, you’re doing it wrong."  With that in mind, I give you the first ever Peace With Inches fashion show.  I think you’ll find these options to be both fashionable and functional:

Everyday Training

Comfort is king when dressing for day-to-day training, and nothing is more comfortable than a roomy pair of short-shorts.  Finding your go-to pair is essential for every endurance athlete.  As you can see, the combination of the waist-high slit and shiny-white fabric leaves little to the imagination, while also allowing for excellent crotch ventilation.  You'll be burning up the streets as you run by, because these pants are clearly HOT!

Within this same line, Will Ferrell is modeling another option for everyday training.  This outfit is perfect for the patriotic endurance athlete.  The American Flag codpiece is both sexy and supportive, and the midriff T-Shirt will have will have men and/or women everywhere pledging allegiance to your abs.

We’ll wrap up the everyday training line with a fun and whacky variation on the generic short-shorts look.  Here, the model (who looks a lot like Herschel Walker) is wearing a snazzy denim short and vest combination.  The whole look is tied together by calf-length cowboy boots and futuristic sunglasses.  Notice how the hip-hugger length of the cut-off jean shorts allows for an amazing range of movement and really accentuates the thighs muscles.  This outfit is perfect for the endurance athlete who likes to go straight from the gym to the local discotech.

Racing

There are several important factors that come into play when you’re deciding on the proper attire for race day. We here at Peace With Inches put together a couple of outfits that are perfect for the endurance athlete looking for sleek and lightweight clothing options.

First up is the skintight Green Man suit, made famous by the iconic It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character, Charlie Kelly.  The aerodynamic design cuts down on wind resistance, shaving precious seconds off the racer's time.  The suit also provides head-to-toe coverage, sparing the athlete from the sun’s harsh ultraviolet rays.  While ventilation is not necessarily optimal,  the skintight fabric cuts down on painful chaffing, which significantly reduces the risk of spontaneous combustion during the competition.  Whether you're running a race or robbing a liquor store, the Green Man suit will make it difficult for your pursuers to catch you.

Next up in this category is this wicked-awesome batman costume.  This is a serious outfit for a serious athlete.  The heavy black fabric really absorbs the sun’s heat, warming the muscles and dehydrating the runner rapidly, freeing him or her of all that extra water-weight.  The padded upper-body also builds up the runner’s self-esteem as he or she lines up against scrawny competitors.  But that's not all!  The functional utility belt draws attention to the crotch, and the sharp wrist-guards are perfect for clothes-lining overly ambitious rivals.    Don this thing at your next race, and you'll have your competitors screaming "Holy Bill of Rights, Batman." (Quote care of Batman's effeminate sidekick, Robin)

Rain Gear

Unfortunately, its not always blue skies and smooth sailing for runners.  Sometimes Mother Nature rears her ugly head and endurance athletes are forced to brave the elements.  This festive sombrero-poncho combination is great for the athlete who needs to workout in the pouring rain.  The wide-brim hat shields the rain from his or her eyes, and the colorful poncho keeps the runner dry, while enhancing his or her visibility to both motorists and members of the other sex.  Add in a fake mustache, and you have all the necessary ingredients for a successful rainy day run.  Vamanos!!

 Snow Training    

For years, runners in cold climates have been forced to train on mind-numbing treadmills during the snowy winter months.  Well, perk up people, because Puma has finally found an athletic outfit that can withstand frigid sub-zero conditions.

As you can see, these clothes, which were featured prominently in The Empire Strikes Back, were designed for optimal performance in freezing temperatures.  First, the white and beige color scheme helps the runner blend into his or her surroundings, making it easy to sneak up on unsuspecting competitors (and Rebel forces).  The snow boots and heavy-duty pants (w/ built in knee pads) keep the lower extremities snuggly and dry, and the toasty snow parka has deep pockets that are great for holding water bottles and thermal detonators (Star Wars’ version of grenades).  Also, the Kevlar helmet and thick veil prevent both frostbite and head trauma caused by vicious snow monsters.  Finally, a fully operational blaster rifle is the perfect accessory, making the outfit complete.  Whether you’re looking to pound out a five mile run in blizzard conditions or flush out some annoying Rebel scum from their hidden base on Hoth, slap on this Imperial Snowtrooper uniform and tell Old Man Winter to suck it!  

Zombie Apocalypse

For years, scientific geniuses have been predicting the impending zombie apocalypse.  When that day finally comes, it’ll be important to stay in peak physical condition.  So how should you dress when training among the hoards of flesh-eating zombies?

Sylvester Stallone is modeling our "Commando-Sheik" attire.  The absorbent headband wicks moisture away from the runner’s face and keeps sweat out of the athlete’s eyes.  This is especially important because you want to use precise aim while shooting your giant machine gun into wave after wave of zombies.  The choker necklace also adds a little personal flare to the outfit, because in the fight for survival, looking good is half the battle.  Helicopter sold separately.

That concludes the Peace With Inches fashion show.  These are just a few of the options available to creative runners, so don’t get sucked in by the clothing corporations’ predictable advertisements.  Remember if your going to be out there busting your ass, you might as well make sure people are staring at that sweet rump while you do it.

P.S.  As promised, you forgot all about the deep and thoughtful introduction to this post by now. 

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Well, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k came and went, and it pains me to inform you that I, Puma, was dethroned as the Clydesdale Champion on a stormy Sunday morning.  The damp and windy conditions made for a sluggish day of racing on the Golden Gate Bridge, leading to slow times across the board.  The overall winner of the race finished with a time of 37:36, a full minute and forty-five seconds off the fastest time last year (35:51).  Even the legendary Puma could not tame Mother Nature on this day (Current Score: Puma—71, Mother Nature—3), as my time was 26 seconds slower than last year’s result (53:59).

After the dust settled, I finished 4^th in an extremely competitive Clydesdale Division and 239th overall (out of 2024 official finishers).  This just proves at least three full-bodied competitors were better cheaters than I.  Yet another reason why I’m campaigning for mandatory drug testing before every recreational endurance race.  I’m sick of losing to juiced-up Neanderthals.  Besides, I’m pretty sure I saw the winner of the Clydesdale Division go by on Roller Blades.      

So all in all, it was a day of mixed results and mixed emotions (as a lone tear falls onto a mashed keyboard).  I intended to give a mile-by-mile recap of the race at this point, but ultimately decided that to recount the event in such a manner would be trivial and boring.  Instead, I will now describe my experience at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k as of a Lord of the Rings-stlye fantasy saga:

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Puma awoke from his uneasy slumber as the wind and rain pummeled his straw hut.  He gained no respite during the night, for he was consumed by the mighty challenge lying before him.  Soon, the sun would climb over the eastern mountains, and a mighty battle would commence.  

Ok, I know what you're thinking, but it's a lot
easier to draw a lovable dragon.

For too long has the dickish Emerald Dragon known as Twelvekay tormented the kind-hearted-yet-somewhat-snooty inhabitants of Francisconia.  From the flannel-wearing Hipsters of the Mission Province, to the ale-chugging dwellers of the Marina Quarter, all had tasted the unforgiving wrath of Twelvekay.  When the mayhem grew too fierce, the Francisconians begged the mighty Puma, who was a direct descendant of the Clydesdale clan and lived in the far off village of Burlingshire, to slay the fearsome Emerald Dragon.

Now, the day of the battle had finally arrived, and the handsome and brawny Puma thought intensely of the challenge that lies before him.  He took his morning tinkle in ye olde bedpan and then valiantly adorned himself with his magical short-shorts.

…Then some other stuff happened, but it’s boring so I’m going to skip right to the epic fight scene that will make the giant battle in Braveheart look like an episode of Dora the Explorer…

Twelvekay, the dickish Emerald Dragon arose promptly at 8:30am, as the sun continued its ascent in the morning sky.  He bellowed out a loud roar that sounded as if a race official had blown an air horn into a microphone (I might need to work on my similes).  Though a lesser man would have crapped his pants upon hearing that fowl sound, Puma’s magical short-shorts remained free of excrement, for he does not fear dragons, even ones that can, for some unexplained reason that is not critical to the plot of this story, shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

So the two ferocious beings commenced violent and sweaty combat atop the high Fortress of Baker, which is nestled in the hills of Sausalitoland.  Puma, fueled by Skittles and rage charged courageously at the mighty beast.  Twelvekay was momentarily stunned by the boldness and stupidity of his chiseled attacker.  The dragon’s fire-breath and laser-eyes could not stop Puma from delivering a mighty blow into the underbelly of the beast.  The force of this attack caused both Puma and Twelvekay to tumble down the mountainside, ultimately coming to rest at the Sausalitoland coast.  Puma’s energy level was high, and for the first 6:20 minutes of the fight (1 mile marker), he dominated the Emerald dragon like the beast was his prison girlfriend.

Twelvekay, realizing he was outmatched at sea level, struggled free of Puma’s Kung Fu Grip, spread his mighty wings and soared atop the famous Iron Gateway Bridge of Francisconia.  Puma pursued the serpent up a steep and treacherous mountain, slowing his pace in the hopes of conserving energy for the remaining battle.  Once he reached the mountaintop, Puma sprinted onto the bridge, dodging multiple fireballs and laser beams.  As the valiant warrior charged over the sea, the chicken-sh#t Emerald Dragon stayed just out of reach of Puma.  To make things even more difficult for his handsome pursuer, Twelvekay flapped his colossal wings, creating powerful winds that threatened to blast Puma to a watery and shark-infested grave hundreds of feet below.  The difficult climb and gusting winds slowed Puma significantly and robbed him of much energy.  This was especially true since his Skittles-induced adrenalin rush was beginning to wane. 

Pictured from Top to Bottom: The Emerald Dragon, Puma, Puma's Magical Short-Shorts, Sharks
(Picture not drawn to scale)

 

To this point, the legendary combatants had been wrestling (in a non-homoerotic manner) for exactly 28 minutes and had traveled exactly 4 miles.  The Emerald Dragon had successfully weathered the aggressive start by his zealous challenger.  He and Puma were now on a level playing field as the fight continued along the Francisconia coastline.  Twelvekay, realizing that his tall and attractive foe was beginning to fatigue, continuously pelted Puma with molten-fire from his Sarah Jessica Parker-size nostrils and shot laser beams from his wee-beady eyes.  Even though his pace continued to fade, Puma still refused to relent.  He continued to battle with the Emerald Dragon and landed a forceful punch right to the snout of Twelvekay at the 6-mile mark.  Fearing that Puma might be catching a second wind, the massive serpent let out a blood-curdling screech, and rain from the clouds above poured heavily upon the weary fighter.

Still the fight raged on, now spanning over 50 minutes and 7 miles.  Puma, sensing that the end was near, dug deep into his massive onion sack for one last siege of the Emerald Dragon.  Channeling his Clydesdale forefathers, the brave combatant charged violently down the hill above the Fortress of Mason, shaking the ground with his every step.  Twelvekay defensively fired one last blast of fire, but Puma jumped through the wall of flames and landed a flying karate kick to the crotch of the stunned dragon.

Twelvekay let out a high-pitched squeal and fell to the ground.  After 7.5 miles and 54:25 minutes, the dragon looked at the exhausted warrior hunched over beside him, and said “Come on man, that really hurt! Not cool!” (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the dragon can talk. That’s pretty important to the conclusion of the story).  He then continued, “Your kung fu is strong, and you’ve proved to be a worthy foe.  We could continue this combat atop a mountain high until the end of time, OOOOOOR we could call it a stalemate and go get some sandwiches.  Maybe even play some ping pong in the game room of my lair.”

Puma raised his battle-worn face, looked squarely into the beady eyes of Twelvekay and said “Okie dokie.  Lead the way.”  Then, as the Emerald Dragon turned his back on Puma, the crafty warrior killed the gullible beast, because draws are for chumps.  The Francisconians let out a thunderous roar as Twelvekay’s lifeless body fell to the ground.  Puma, knowing that his task was finally complete, summoned his noble unicorn, Norbert, and began his long journey back to his humble straw hut.

So Puma did eventually finish his task and defeat the Emerald Dragon, though it was not his proudest victory.  If anyone asks, he will tell them that he killed Twelvekay in self-defense, because he’s pretty sure he saw the dragon reach for a gun. 

YE OLDE END

A New Hope

By now, you might be thinking to yourself: “Puma, your advice is both practical and oddly arousing.  However, what the hell are you doing right now that’s so great?  Why should I listen to you?”  That’s a fair question, but I really wish you would shut your big yap, you unappreciative Philistine!!! If you were here right now, I would punch you in one of your face holes!!!

Oh my. I apologize for that outburst.  I’ve been a little irritable since the revolutionary Disney Channel show, Hannah Montana, concluded earlier this year…Did I say Hannah Montana? Oops. I obviously meant to name a much less embarrassing show…like…um…24.  Yeah, 24, that will do nicely, with its dramatic car chases, tense gunfights and random nuclear explosions.  Well now that I have your attention (and lost your respect), I’ll finally give you an update on my own training.

I know this may be hard to believe (and I apologize to those of you who thought I was a funky robot programmed to win races and steal hearts), but I’m actually coming back from a fairly severe foot injury.  Remember folks; I am in fact human. When I where pants, I put them on like everyone else, provided that everyone else puts their pants on like this:

So, as I was saying, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot during November of last year.  The doctor said the fracture most likely resulted from overuse, but it’s my belief that a jealous competitor repeatedly bashed my foot with a tack hammer while I was in a post-burrito food coma.  That is really the only reasonable conclusion, because this fined-tuned body does not breakdown under normal circumstances.

Slowly working my way back into marathon shape has proved challenging to this point, but I’ve been following the carefully designed steps that I outlined in my previous posts. Here’s a quick outline of where I am right now:

           

·      My Long-Term Goal: Run a sub-3 hour marathon

·      My Short Term Goals:

o   Defend my title in the Clydesdale Division of the Emerald 12k Across the Bay (March 20^th).

o   Run the Chicago Marathon (October 8^th) in 3 hours and 20 minutes

o   Run the CIM International Marathon (December 4^th) in 3 hours and 10 minutes, and qualify for the Boston Marathon.

·      Time Trials: Conducted a couple of these to test various distances and speeds

o   2/11/2010: 10 miles—1:16:39 (7:37 pace) [Marathon Pace]

o   2/21/2010: 4 miles—27:17 (6:48 pace) [12k pace]

The medal was awarded
for having "facial hair of
valor" during the Franco-
Prussian War.

While these times are respectable given the circumstances, I have a lot of work to do if I hope achieve the ambitious goals listed above.  But it’s like the saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, at least you’ll be flying uncontrollably through space, and that seems pretty cool.” That might not be the exact phrasing, but you get the gist.

In addition to increasing my running tempo, I’m gradually building my weekly mileage totals as well.  The best endurance runners in the world typically run more than 100 miles per week.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards.  Unlike those sad workaholics, I can kick-ass with a mere fraction of that effort.  I’m running about 40 miles a week now, but during peak training weeks I should get up to about 60-65 miles.  To further increase my mileage would cut into my time as a Franco-Prussian War reenactor, and that is a sacrifice that I am NOT willing to make. 

Here’s what a typical week looks like when my training program is in full swing:

	Run	Total Distance	Pace
Monday	Day Off	Couch to Bathroom	Depends on what I ate
Tuesday	Speed Work	6 miles	800m intervals at 6:00 min/mile
Wednesday	Easy Run	10 miles	8:15 min/mile
Thursday	Speed Work	10 miles	1 to 2 mile intervals at 6:30 min/mile
Friday	Easy Run	8 miles	8:15 min/mile
Saturday	Very Easy Run	4 miles	9:00 min/mile
Sunday	Long Run	22 miles	Goal Marathon Pace
		60 miles Total

Soak it in folks.  ‘Tis but a small glimpse at Puma’s secret recipe for success.  Don’t be intimidated if my running program makes your paltry exercise routine look feeble and silly, because eventually we’ll get your workouts, which metaphorically look like this right now…

…to look all cocky and egotistical, like this, in the future:

 

“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting Wrinkles the Soul.”

Sure, Admiral Fluffmuffin (above)
might be wrinkled on the
outside, but this persistent pup's
soul has the youthful skin of a Greek God.

By the way, why is that pile of dirty
laundry running towards me?

The title of this post is a quote from Douglas MacArthur, the American General who commanded the Southwest Pacific Theatre in World War II.  I’ve spent many hours pondering the meaning of this quote, and let me be the first to say, WTF, Dougy Mac? WTF?  “Quitting wrinkles the soul.”  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I’ve judged a lot of people in my day, but never once have I thought to myself, “Damn! That dude’s soul is wrinkled as s!@*."  So, sorry Dougy, but this isn’t exactly one of your pearls of wisdom.  It does, however, prove one crucial point:  Nobody likes a quitter!  You should therefore tailor your training to avoid any urge to be a pansy and throw in the towel.

Now, quitting isn’t something that everyone has to worry about.  For example, I once ate a pizza the size of a hula-hoop all by my lonesome, just to prove a point to my older brother (and despite the ever-growing need to seek medical assistance).  That’s just how I roll.  When I set out to do something, there is at least a 77.3% chance that I finish it (see Pie Chart for full break down). For less disciplined individuals, however, there are certain methods that can decrease the temptation to quit.

Four Easy Steps to Achieving your 77.3%

(1) Set Long-Term Goals

First, set a long-term or big-picture goal.  This objective should be what you ultimately hope to achieve through your training.  For example, your goal might be to complete your first marathon, or maybe you merely want to become the unquestioned ruler of the world.  I’m not here to judge your every ambition (though that second one is totally better than the first).  The actual goal itself isn’t all that important.  The key is to consciously identify an achievement that you’d like to work towards...but do yourself a favor and make sure it isn’t lame or pathetic.

(2) Set Short-Term Goals

Next, set short-term goals to track your improvement and build confidence throughout the training process.  These are like the escalator to the final goal.  Why an escalator you ask? Because stairs are for drifters and hillbillies, that’s why!  Short-term goals might include (a) completing a training run at a certain pace, (b) totaling a set amount of miles in a week, (c) running a half-marathon, or (d) finally getting that cute girl at the coffee shop to drop that restraining order.  I included a visual below to help emphasize the importance of setting goals.

I've been told that I cannot legally call the figure in the lower-left corner a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,  so be sure to listen to your "Adolescent Karate Tortoise".  Then ride that escalator straight to your dreams.

(3) Follow a Set Training Program

In addition to setting both long-term and short-term goals, it’s also essential to find or develop a training program that works for you.  To quote the great Kenny Powers, “All the training in the world doesn’t matter if you are doing it like an a-hole.”  Having a structured running schedule, with your workouts set in advance, allows you to stay focused and track your progress. Ambiguity and indecision will only make it more difficult to achieve your goals.

(4) Develop a Consistent Daily Routine

Finally, sticking to a consistent workout routine will help keep your training on track. By allotting a specific time for running in your daily schedule, you’ll develop positive training habits and maybe even add a shred of joy to your mundane, depressing life.

Hopefully everyone now understands the importance of goals and structure in the endurance training process.  I started this post with a useless quote, but I will now leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Jack Handey to provide inspiration as you strive to achieve your endurance running goals:

“In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

Whoops, that quote was actually supposed to be included in my letter to the International Olympic Committee.  This is the Jack Handey quote with which I meant to end this post:

“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.”

“Why hello there, Endurance Running. Do you know karate? Because your body is kicking!”

By now, everyone must be totally psyched to commence his or her own training.  I’m betting that you’re probably so ready to throw on a pair of shoes and pound out a 14 mile tempo run, that if you have to wait another minute, you’ll finally snap and smash a keyboard into your smug co-worker’s crotch.  But whoa, you’re going to have to pump the brakes, Turbo. 

First of all, you should consult your HR department about personal use of office property before wielding any computer hardware as a weapon.  Second, you can’t just dive into Endurance Running like it’s some sort of community pool.

Endurance Running is no floozy, and it’s definitely out of your league.  If you approach it with the tact and skill of a Butabi brother from Night at the Roxbury, Endurance Running will slap your face into next week.  The only way you’re going to be able to score that fine piece of work is by laying a strong foundation.  You need to get to know Endurance Running better.  Romance it a little.  Prove to it that you’re ready for a long-term relationship.  Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, under no circumstances may you invite Endurance Running to “the party in your pants.”  I don’t care if everyone else is invited, and you think it would be rude to leave him or her off the guest list.  Endurance Running is always going to RSVP a big N-O to that fiesta.  I included a visual aid below to help emphasize this point, but don't fret, the post continues under the image.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, why you gotta be throwin’ salt in my game, Puma?!” (FYI: In my head, you all look and talk like Vanilla Ice).  But don’t worry; I’m going to be your wingman while you try to woo that fickle temptress/tempter, Endurance Running.  Here’s a checklist of appropriate conduct during the courtship period:

1.     Consult a Doctor: Wouldn’t you want to know up front that the person hitting on you has a clean bill of health, you know…in the pants?

If you have any preexisting injuries or conditions that have given you trouble in the past, I would recommend consulting a doctor before you start training intensely.  This is especially important if you have a history of heart problems.  I personally see my doctor before every training session to make sure that the hearts of single women everywhere can handle it (they can’t).

2.     Set Goals: How else are you going to prove that this isn’t just a one-night stand?

Setting goals is absolutely essential for anyone beginning a training program.  I recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals.  For example, my short-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but my long term-goal is to own and operate an intercontinental train that caters exclusively to cats and dogs (though I still haven’t figured out how endurance running will directly lead to the accomplishment of this venture).  This is a complex topic, so I’ll give it greater attention in a later post.

3.      Assess Your Fitness Level: The breath-check before the first make out session.

It’s important to accurately hone in on your fitness level at the onset of a training cycle by running a time trial of some sort.  Not only will this allow you to set challenging, yet achievable goals, but it will also make it easier to track your improvement.  For some, this might be as simple as seeing how far you can run without having to stop.  For other, more experienced runners, a useful time trial will depend on a number of factors, including your past accomplishments, your target event, and your desired pace.

Personally, I have to be careful when I conduct a time trial, because I'll set out to gauge my fitness level and end up breaking a world record or two.  One thing is clear though.  Whether I shatter records or they stay intact, the results of my time trials are almost always the same:

Puma’s Fitness Level = Totally Slammin’

So there you have it.  These are some of the more important courtship rituals if you’re going to try to finagle your way into Endurance Running’s pants.  I know it may seem like a lot of work, but if you play your cards right, Endurance Running might just rock your world.  And unlike your typical “romantic encounters”, it’s guaranteed to last longer than 3 minutes, which, by the way, is all you really need if you know what you’re doing…I mean…err…or so I’ve heard…Is it hot in here?

Sorry to disappoint (“That’s what he said.”), but there are no shortcuts to forming a meaningful relationship with Endurance Running.  If you don’t think you’ve got the testicular/ovarian fortitude for it, you could always settle for Running’s less attractive friend, Jazzercising (see below).

I take it back, this is freaking awesome!

A couple of things to look out for:

1) The random people on the weight machines in the background

 2) Superfan "Paul" going crazy about 3:45 minutes into the clip