The Shoe Issue

A wise man once said, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."  Now, I'm all for stealing other people's belongings, but you can't just slap a random pair of L.A. Lights onto those hooves you call feet and set out on a run.  That would be crazy, and not the "Oh man, spring break in Cabo was crazy" type of crazy.  The "Charlie Sheen, 'they picked a fight with a warlock'" type of crazy:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body." -- Charlie "Why Don't You Believe I'm Sober?" Sheen

I don't care if the other competitors
were 7 years old, Dusty Hammer and
"The Vanquisher" just taught those 2nd
Graders a very valuable lesson:
Don't mess with Dusty Hammer
and "The Vanquisher"!

Finding the proper pair of running shoes is essential if you hope to achieve even a fraction of the success I've experienced in my lifetime.  Think about it.  Would King Arthur engage in battle without his trusty sword, Excalibur?  Would Willie Nelson perform at a concert without his trusty bong, Ole’ Smoky?  Would potato sack race legend Dusty Hammer compete in the annual Idaho Spuds Potato Sack Dash without his trusty sack, “The Vanquisher”?  You get the point.

So what should you look for when selecting a pair of running shoes?  This is actually an extremely complex question, and it can’t be answered in an illogical and semi-incoherent blog post, no matter how tall and sexy the author may be.  If you’re foolishly looking for me to actually provide some valuable insight, well…ha…this is definitely your first visit to Peace with Inches.  Welcome, and prepare to be sorely disappointed (That’s what he said).  If you're searching for the the appropriate shoe for your style and foot type, I recommend visiting a running store (a store that specializes in running; not a general sporting goods store).  At the very least, you should consult the most up-to-date reviews put out by the magazine, Runner’s World. The Spring 2011 article can be found at: 

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-400--13825-0,00.html

Having said that, I’ll now share my own hilarious, yet ultimately useless, insights on the topic.  These are really just random observations on some of the options out there.

Asics:  The Puma’s current brand of choice.  One of the few brands that doesn't melt right off my feet when I lay down scorching fast race times.  They even remain intact after my wickedly seductive (yet humble) victory dances.    

Nike:  For the longest time, Nike was the scorn of many serious endurance runners.  It seemed like their designers put an emphasis on aesthetics, at the cost of insignificant little things, such as comfort and durability.  Over the past couple of years, however, Nike has tried to revamp their image within the running population, and unlike those desperate Taco Bell commercials concerning the quality of their “beef”, Nike’s actually had some success.

On a slightly related note, almost all Nike Running shoes are “Nike+” compatible.  If you purchase the Nike+ package, you get a chip that goes into the sole of your shoe and a device that plugs into into your iPod or iPhone.  When used in combination, the Nike+ gear gives audible speed and distance readouts.  The program also provides motivational messages throughout the training process, if desired.

I tried the Nike+ program, and I can’t say I’m a fan.  There are a couple of problems.  First, the speed and distance measurements are fairly inaccurate, even after recalibrating the device.  I could, however, deal with that on a day-to-day basis.  My bigger gripe is that the supposedly motivational messages are extremely creepy.  Imagine my surprise when Lance Armstrong unexpectedly started talking to me in the middle of an evening training session.  The only thing this message motivated me to do was crap my pants in terror.  How would you like to be running by yourself, when you suddenly hear: 

Just out for a shirtless stroll on the boardwalk. Can you say
Bro-mance?

“This is Lance Armstrong. You’ve just completed your first mileage goal.  Great work!  Keep it up!... By the way, you look so peaceful when you sleep.  Also, you might want to get that mole on your butt checked out by a doctor.  I know from experience.” 

Ok, I might have made that last part up, but having Lance whisper sweet nothings in my ear doesn’t exactly get my motor going.  Maybe that works for his hetero life-mate, Matthew McConaughey, but not this guy.   

Addidas:  I’ve been told that Addidas does in fact produce a line of running shoes, though I can’t say I’ve ever tried a pair.  Their top of the line model incorporates BOUNCE™ technology, which is supposed to “optimize energy return and step-in comfort.”  However, those of you who watched Nickelodeon in the late 80’s and early 90’s most likely recognize this technology to be a more streamlined version of the old “Moon Shoes”.  Sure, those mini-trampolines look like fun and go great with a tuxedo, but I wouldn’t want to run a marathon in them.

 

EQUALS

K-Swiss:  Who cares if their shoes are any good? If they keep making commercials like this, I will buy whatever they're selling.

“Tubes. If you don’t like them, then change your mind.”

Brooks:  Haven’t used these shoes very much over the past several years, but they have a shoe called “The Beast” so at least their hearts are in the right place.

Saucony:  Not sure how to pronounce it, so I definitely won’t wear it.

Friends don't let friends
run in Aquasocks!

Vibram:  The Vibram “FiveFingers” seem to be gaining popularity these days, though I’m not eager to jump onto the rubber moccasin bandwagon.  If you want, you can pay me the $80 you would spend on these heavy-duty Glad bags, and I’ll just repeatedly bash your feet with a meat tenderizer.  I think the long-term effect will be relatively similar. 

Teva Sandals & Black Socks:  Though stylish, this combination offers very little in terms of support.

The black socks really accentuate those lean and pasty calves.

Barefoot:  Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who run entire marathons barefoot.  I personally encountered one of these runners during the San Diego Marathon.  Not only were this man’s feet completely bare, but he also ran the entire marathon in cut-off jean shorts and waist-length, billowing hair that flowed behind him like a cape.  I don’t know if there is actually a heaven, but I’m pretty sure this being was an angel.

“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting Wrinkles the Soul.”

Sure, Admiral Fluffmuffin (above)
might be wrinkled on the
outside, but this persistent pup's
soul has the youthful skin of a Greek God.

By the way, why is that pile of dirty
laundry running towards me?

The title of this post is a quote from Douglas MacArthur, the American General who commanded the Southwest Pacific Theatre in World War II.  I’ve spent many hours pondering the meaning of this quote, and let me be the first to say, WTF, Dougy Mac? WTF?  “Quitting wrinkles the soul.”  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I’ve judged a lot of people in my day, but never once have I thought to myself, “Damn! That dude’s soul is wrinkled as s!@*."  So, sorry Dougy, but this isn’t exactly one of your pearls of wisdom.  It does, however, prove one crucial point:  Nobody likes a quitter!  You should therefore tailor your training to avoid any urge to be a pansy and throw in the towel.

Now, quitting isn’t something that everyone has to worry about.  For example, I once ate a pizza the size of a hula-hoop all by my lonesome, just to prove a point to my older brother (and despite the ever-growing need to seek medical assistance).  That’s just how I roll.  When I set out to do something, there is at least a 77.3% chance that I finish it (see Pie Chart for full break down). For less disciplined individuals, however, there are certain methods that can decrease the temptation to quit.

Four Easy Steps to Achieving your 77.3%

(1) Set Long-Term Goals

First, set a long-term or big-picture goal.  This objective should be what you ultimately hope to achieve through your training.  For example, your goal might be to complete your first marathon, or maybe you merely want to become the unquestioned ruler of the world.  I’m not here to judge your every ambition (though that second one is totally better than the first).  The actual goal itself isn’t all that important.  The key is to consciously identify an achievement that you’d like to work towards...but do yourself a favor and make sure it isn’t lame or pathetic.

(2) Set Short-Term Goals

Next, set short-term goals to track your improvement and build confidence throughout the training process.  These are like the escalator to the final goal.  Why an escalator you ask? Because stairs are for drifters and hillbillies, that’s why!  Short-term goals might include (a) completing a training run at a certain pace, (b) totaling a set amount of miles in a week, (c) running a half-marathon, or (d) finally getting that cute girl at the coffee shop to drop that restraining order.  I included a visual below to help emphasize the importance of setting goals.

I've been told that I cannot legally call the figure in the lower-left corner a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,  so be sure to listen to your "Adolescent Karate Tortoise".  Then ride that escalator straight to your dreams.

(3) Follow a Set Training Program

In addition to setting both long-term and short-term goals, it’s also essential to find or develop a training program that works for you.  To quote the great Kenny Powers, “All the training in the world doesn’t matter if you are doing it like an a-hole.”  Having a structured running schedule, with your workouts set in advance, allows you to stay focused and track your progress. Ambiguity and indecision will only make it more difficult to achieve your goals.

(4) Develop a Consistent Daily Routine

Finally, sticking to a consistent workout routine will help keep your training on track. By allotting a specific time for running in your daily schedule, you’ll develop positive training habits and maybe even add a shred of joy to your mundane, depressing life.

Hopefully everyone now understands the importance of goals and structure in the endurance training process.  I started this post with a useless quote, but I will now leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Jack Handey to provide inspiration as you strive to achieve your endurance running goals:

“In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

Whoops, that quote was actually supposed to be included in my letter to the International Olympic Committee.  This is the Jack Handey quote with which I meant to end this post:

“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.”

I hope you have health insurance, because I’m about to blow your mind.

When I bump into one of this blog’s many followers (current grand total = 0), they always ask me the same question:  “Sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?” (P.S. You’re welcome world).  After having me physically removed from whatever public establishment I entered (by the way, the fascists at Starbucks really frown on the no pants thing), the second question is usually “what does the title of your bitchin’ blog, Peace With Inches, mean?”  The answer to that question is so simple that you should feel stupid for asking it: I have no clue what it means, but it sounds hardcore and dramatic, so I just rolled with it.

Having said that, I suppose I should give some explanation of what you can come to expect from Peace With Inches.  Well, I don’t want to raise expectations too high, but this blog will make John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath look like the potty training manual, Everybody Poops.  In Peace with Inches, I will chronicle my exploits in the world of endurance running.  Not only will you be my shadow as I train for and race in various long distance competitions, but I’ll also give you an inside peek into the mental makeup of the man known only as “The Puma”.  This blog is meant primarily to be a record of my conquests, so future generations can truly appreciate the magnitude of my awesomeness.  Yet, I figure if I can help a few schmucks with their sad, insignificant lives, maybe the judge will knock off some of those court-appointed community service hours that I still have to complete.

As for my writing style, have you ever lost sleep wondering what it would be like if the Eastbound and Down character Kenny Powers participated in a real sport and then had the decency to write about it in an Internet blog with all the charm and intelligence of Stephen Colbert?  Well, wipe those tears from your face crybaby, because your prayers have been answered.   

Nothing intimidates criminals like a
souped-up can opener driving a
Late 80's Ford Taurus.

I know what a lot of you are thinking at this point. “Gee, this Puma fellow seems like a real bad-ass, but how does he stack up against the legendary tough guys of yore like Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, or RoboCop?”  Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m tougher than those guys, because it’s impossible to draw a comparison between their isolated kung fu skills and my killer endurance abilities.  Sure, Chuck Norris is awesome at kicking bad guys in the face, but has he ever run a marathon?  I haven’t looked into the matter due to a deep-seeded belief that research is for pansies, but I’m going affirmatively state that he’s never had the stones to run the full 26.2. 

The only way to truly solve the eternal “Who’s tougher?” question is to combine our epic strengths into a single competition.  Here is what I suggest: A 20 mile footrace through the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range in which we have to roundhouse kick someone in the face every half-mile (any volunteers?).  As you can see, this race is precisely calibrated to include the strengths of all competitors, thus ensuring an accurate and fair playing field.  So bring it on Chuck, Steven and/or RoboCop.  If you wish to accept, the only means of reaching me is by carrier pigeon.

Side Note: There is the outside chance that a competition of this magnitude could actually dislodge the Earth from it’s orbital path, propelling it onto a collision course with one of those crappy planets that I always forget the names of…let’s call them “Not Earths”.

This is merely a sneak peek of things to come.  So strap yourself in world, it’s going to be a wild ride (you may want to pack an extra pair of underpants).