Puma v. The Press

Today’s post contains bonus coverage of my performance in the Emerald Across the Bay 12k.  Up to this point, you know the results and can kind of deduce what happened in the race by referring back to my riveting summary, “Puma and the Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes,” but you don’t know how I dealt with the public firestorm that followed the race.

Not Pictured: The bald eagle's
battle-axe and machine gun

After watching Puma struggle through the 7.5 mile course, the media vultures began circling.  They all hoped to catch that first glimpse of a Charlie Sheen-like mental breakdown.  However, unlike Carlos Irwin Estevez (seriously, Irwin?), Puma don’t play that game.  Charlie might have Adonis DNA and tiger blood running through his veins, but I have the indomitable spirit of a colossal bald eagle clutching a battle-axe in one talon and a machine gun in another.  Let’s see your Adonis DNA deal with that!

To confront the fallout head on, I called a press conference after turning in the somewhat disappointing result.  It was easy to get all of the reporters there, because each one is a figment of my imagination.  What resulted was one of the most entertaining press conferences of all time.  If I were to rank it, the presser would probably be sitting at #4 right now, behind these little nuggets:

1) Dennis Green

 2) Allen Iverson

3)    Jim Mora

 Here is a transcript from the press conference:

PUMA:  Everyone shut up! If it’s okay with all of you nincompoops, I would like to get this started.  I have a recorded episode of Oprah waiting for me at home, and it's not going to watch itself.  I’ll be calling on the reporters personally.  However, since none of you are important enough to know by name, I will refer to you based on whatever pops into my head first when I see you.

So, let’s begin with you over there in the corner, the one that looks like a potential sex offender.

REPORTER 1 (R1):  Are you talking about me?

PUMA:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m talking to the other guy with the creepy mustache. Of course I’m talking to you, Roman Polanski.  You have a question or not?

R1:  I get a lot of compliments on this mustache.

PUMA:  Look, I don’t care what your Mom has to say about your mustache, buddy. Just ask your damn question.

R1:  You started out the race extremely fast, running the first mile in 6 minutes and 20 seconds.  Was that part of your plan, or do you think you wasted energy?

PUMA:  Well, if you had bothered doing any research on the race instead of grooming that pathetic excuse for a mustache, you would have seen that the first mile is almost completely downhill.  I was just cruising at that speed trying to give myself a cushion going into miles 2 and 3, which would be much slower. 

Next question! Let’s go with you in the front. The woman with the perm.

REPORTER 2 (R2):  I’m a man and I don’t have a perm.

PUMA:  I just call it as I see it, pal.  Ask your question.

R2:  I’m actually pretty offended.  I think you should apologize.

PUMA:  Okay, fine. You don’t actually look like a woman, but you certainly just displayed the emotional fragility of a teenage girl.

R2:  That’s not even close to an apology.

PUMA:  Well, that’s the best you’re going to get, so we might as well move on.

R2:  I’m leaving.

PUMA:  That’s probably for the best.  I think there’s a sale at Forever 21 today.

Let’s see, who’s next…you, Mullet McGee in the back.

REPORTER 3(R3):  I'm actually okay with that one.  You were on your goal pace through the first 4 miles.  What happened? Do you feel like you could have held on to that for a little while longer?

PUMA:  Yeah, I was on pace through the first 4 miles, but miles 2 and 3 proved to be more tiring than expected.  The wind on the Golden Gate Bridge did not help the situation either.  I’m a tall man, so wind is not kind to my masculine physique. 

We have time for a couple more questions, so let’s move on.  You over there, with the bubble butt.

REPORTER 4 (R4):  My name is Janet.

PUMA:  What am I, writing your memoirs?  I don’t care what your name is.  Ask your question.

R4:  Could you give the public some tips, so men and women everywhere can be more like you?

PUMA:   First of all, you will never be me! Second of all, I forgot your question!

Let’s keep this thing moving forward.  The last question will go to skinny Al Roker over there.

REPORTER 5 (R5):  I’ve actually heard that comparison before.  Now that the Emerald Across the Bay 12k has passed in disappointing fashion, what do you have planned next?

PUMA:  Let me answer your question with another question.  SHUT UP!

R5:  That’s not a question.

PUMA:  This press conference is over! (Storms of the stage)

All in all, I think I handled that pretty well.  Next week, Peace With Inches will be back on its typical, Tuesday/Friday schedule.  Upcoming topics include proper running attire and workout playlists.