Puma Solves Your Problems, Episode 1

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid question."  I, however, see that statement as a challenge.  If a truly stupid question does exist somewhere in the world, I vow to discover and ask it at the most inappropriate time possible.  I'll let you know how this quest progresses, but today's post isn't about me.  It's about you, the loyal reader.

As promised, "The Puma" will reach deep into his mailbag (not to be confused with Puma's "male bag") and answer your questions.  To commemorate this momentous occasion, I asked the two most iconic mailmen ever to be here.  Unfortunately, I could only get these guys to show up:

So without further ado, I give you episode 1 of the new segment, "Puma Solves Your Problems": 

1.  GM asks  “Did any role models help inspire you to reach undiscovered levels of endurance awesomeness?”

A:  Short answer = NO.  Long Answer = HELL TO THE NO.

2.  On a related topic, BK asks “Is it weird to you that while Chuck Norris is the idol of many, only you are the idol of Chuck Norris?”

A:  Yes, it is true that Chuck Norris does in fact idolize the one known as “The Puma,” but I try to distance myself from Walker Texas Ranger whenever possible.  It’s my personal belief that Mr. Norris is a turkey of the jive variety.

3.  Random Police Officer asks “Seriously sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

A:  What are you, the pants police? Don’t worry about it.

4.  BK also asks “Have you ever had to purchase flame-retardant running shoes to keep yourself from catching fire as you set a blistering pace?”

A:  Very good question.  My shoes usually melt off my feet around mile three, but I have a crack team of NASA scientists working on the issue…and by “crack team of NASA scientists,” I mean a high school Chemistry student wearing a lab coat…and by "a lab coat," I mean a SpongeBob SquarePants sweatshirt.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure that kid was in high school.  Who the hell did I give my shoes to?

5.  PF asks “In an earlier post, you mentioned that a runner should gauge their fitness level before training seriously.  Do you have some sort of rating system?”

            A:  I’m glad you asked.  Here is The Puma’s very scientific fitnessometer:

 6.  RO asks “Puma, I don’t have much luck with the ladies.  If I start running, will I be more attractive to the opposite sex?

A:  Opposite sex. Same sex. Hell, even the more intelligent monkey species are going to want you.  You will, quite literally, be fighting them off with a stick (stick pictured at right).  It’s important to remember, however, that it doesn’t matter who makes the first move, hugging a monkey will still get you kicked out of the zoo.

7.  FH asks Does this look infected to you?

A:  I’m not sure you truly understand how this segment works. I can’t actually see you right now, so any guess would be a wild stab in the dark.  General rule of thumb though: If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.

8.  JA asks “If an evil scientist stole some of your DNA and cloned an evil version of you, could you beat the “Evil Puma” in a race?

A:  An evil version of myself? I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t have one of those…anymore.  But to answer your question, I would win every time.  While “Evil Puma” and I are equally matched physically, he would waste time pouring sugar into people’s gas tanks and stealing candy from babies (which is harder than it looks…er…or so I’ve heard).

Well, that wraps up today's segment.  I'm sorry if I didn't get to your question, but don't worry, I'll most likely answer it in the next installment of "Puma Solves Your Problems."  Remember, you can submit your questions anytime by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Tune in next Tuesday for a thrilling update of Puma's current training program.