A New Hope

By now, you might be thinking to yourself: “Puma, your advice is both practical and oddly arousing.  However, what the hell are you doing right now that’s so great?  Why should I listen to you?”  That’s a fair question, but I really wish you would shut your big yap, you unappreciative Philistine!!! If you were here right now, I would punch you in one of your face holes!!!

Oh my. I apologize for that outburst.  I’ve been a little irritable since the revolutionary Disney Channel show, Hannah Montana, concluded earlier this year…Did I say Hannah Montana? Oops. I obviously meant to name a much less embarrassing show…like…um…24.  Yeah, 24, that will do nicely, with its dramatic car chases, tense gunfights and random nuclear explosions.  Well now that I have your attention (and lost your respect), I’ll finally give you an update on my own training.

I know this may be hard to believe (and I apologize to those of you who thought I was a funky robot programmed to win races and steal hearts), but I’m actually coming back from a fairly severe foot injury.  Remember folks; I am in fact human. When I where pants, I put them on like everyone else, provided that everyone else puts their pants on like this:

So, as I was saying, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot during November of last year.  The doctor said the fracture most likely resulted from overuse, but it’s my belief that a jealous competitor repeatedly bashed my foot with a tack hammer while I was in a post-burrito food coma.  That is really the only reasonable conclusion, because this fined-tuned body does not breakdown under normal circumstances.

Slowly working my way back into marathon shape has proved challenging to this point, but I’ve been following the carefully designed steps that I outlined in my previous posts. Here’s a quick outline of where I am right now:

           

·      My Long-Term Goal: Run a sub-3 hour marathon

·      My Short Term Goals:

o   Defend my title in the Clydesdale Division of the Emerald 12k Across the Bay (March 20^th).

o   Run the Chicago Marathon (October 8^th) in 3 hours and 20 minutes

o   Run the CIM International Marathon (December 4^th) in 3 hours and 10 minutes, and qualify for the Boston Marathon.

·      Time Trials: Conducted a couple of these to test various distances and speeds

o   2/11/2010: 10 miles—1:16:39 (7:37 pace) [Marathon Pace]

o   2/21/2010: 4 miles—27:17 (6:48 pace) [12k pace]

The medal was awarded
for having "facial hair of
valor" during the Franco-
Prussian War.

While these times are respectable given the circumstances, I have a lot of work to do if I hope achieve the ambitious goals listed above.  But it’s like the saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, at least you’ll be flying uncontrollably through space, and that seems pretty cool.” That might not be the exact phrasing, but you get the gist.

In addition to increasing my running tempo, I’m gradually building my weekly mileage totals as well.  The best endurance runners in the world typically run more than 100 miles per week.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards.  Unlike those sad workaholics, I can kick-ass with a mere fraction of that effort.  I’m running about 40 miles a week now, but during peak training weeks I should get up to about 60-65 miles.  To further increase my mileage would cut into my time as a Franco-Prussian War reenactor, and that is a sacrifice that I am NOT willing to make. 

Here’s what a typical week looks like when my training program is in full swing:

	Run	Total Distance	Pace
Monday	Day Off	Couch to Bathroom	Depends on what I ate
Tuesday	Speed Work	6 miles	800m intervals at 6:00 min/mile
Wednesday	Easy Run	10 miles	8:15 min/mile
Thursday	Speed Work	10 miles	1 to 2 mile intervals at 6:30 min/mile
Friday	Easy Run	8 miles	8:15 min/mile
Saturday	Very Easy Run	4 miles	9:00 min/mile
Sunday	Long Run	22 miles	Goal Marathon Pace
		60 miles Total

Soak it in folks.  ‘Tis but a small glimpse at Puma’s secret recipe for success.  Don’t be intimidated if my running program makes your paltry exercise routine look feeble and silly, because eventually we’ll get your workouts, which metaphorically look like this right now…

…to look all cocky and egotistical, like this, in the future: