“Why hello there, Endurance Running. Do you know karate? Because your body is kicking!”

By now, everyone must be totally psyched to commence his or her own training.  I’m betting that you’re probably so ready to throw on a pair of shoes and pound out a 14 mile tempo run, that if you have to wait another minute, you’ll finally snap and smash a keyboard into your smug co-worker’s crotch.  But whoa, you’re going to have to pump the brakes, Turbo. 

First of all, you should consult your HR department about personal use of office property before wielding any computer hardware as a weapon.  Second, you can’t just dive into Endurance Running like it’s some sort of community pool.

Endurance Running is no floozy, and it’s definitely out of your league.  If you approach it with the tact and skill of a Butabi brother from Night at the Roxbury, Endurance Running will slap your face into next week.  The only way you’re going to be able to score that fine piece of work is by laying a strong foundation.  You need to get to know Endurance Running better.  Romance it a little.  Prove to it that you’re ready for a long-term relationship.  Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, under no circumstances may you invite Endurance Running to “the party in your pants.”  I don’t care if everyone else is invited, and you think it would be rude to leave him or her off the guest list.  Endurance Running is always going to RSVP a big N-O to that fiesta.  I included a visual aid below to help emphasize this point, but don't fret, the post continues under the image.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, why you gotta be throwin’ salt in my game, Puma?!” (FYI: In my head, you all look and talk like Vanilla Ice).  But don’t worry; I’m going to be your wingman while you try to woo that fickle temptress/tempter, Endurance Running.  Here’s a checklist of appropriate conduct during the courtship period:

1.     Consult a Doctor: Wouldn’t you want to know up front that the person hitting on you has a clean bill of health, you know…in the pants?

If you have any preexisting injuries or conditions that have given you trouble in the past, I would recommend consulting a doctor before you start training intensely.  This is especially important if you have a history of heart problems.  I personally see my doctor before every training session to make sure that the hearts of single women everywhere can handle it (they can’t).

2.     Set Goals: How else are you going to prove that this isn’t just a one-night stand?

Setting goals is absolutely essential for anyone beginning a training program.  I recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals.  For example, my short-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but my long term-goal is to own and operate an intercontinental train that caters exclusively to cats and dogs (though I still haven’t figured out how endurance running will directly lead to the accomplishment of this venture).  This is a complex topic, so I’ll give it greater attention in a later post.

3.      Assess Your Fitness Level: The breath-check before the first make out session.

It’s important to accurately hone in on your fitness level at the onset of a training cycle by running a time trial of some sort.  Not only will this allow you to set challenging, yet achievable goals, but it will also make it easier to track your improvement.  For some, this might be as simple as seeing how far you can run without having to stop.  For other, more experienced runners, a useful time trial will depend on a number of factors, including your past accomplishments, your target event, and your desired pace.

Personally, I have to be careful when I conduct a time trial, because I'll set out to gauge my fitness level and end up breaking a world record or two.  One thing is clear though.  Whether I shatter records or they stay intact, the results of my time trials are almost always the same:

Puma’s Fitness Level = Totally Slammin’

So there you have it.  These are some of the more important courtship rituals if you’re going to try to finagle your way into Endurance Running’s pants.  I know it may seem like a lot of work, but if you play your cards right, Endurance Running might just rock your world.  And unlike your typical “romantic encounters”, it’s guaranteed to last longer than 3 minutes, which, by the way, is all you really need if you know what you’re doing…I mean…err…or so I’ve heard…Is it hot in here?

Sorry to disappoint (“That’s what he said.”), but there are no shortcuts to forming a meaningful relationship with Endurance Running.  If you don’t think you’ve got the testicular/ovarian fortitude for it, you could always settle for Running’s less attractive friend, Jazzercising (see below).

I take it back, this is freaking awesome!

A couple of things to look out for:

1) The random people on the weight machines in the background

 2) Superfan "Paul" going crazy about 3:45 minutes into the clip