Picture Show Night With Puma

Have you ever wondered what the Puma thinks of motion pictures that prominently feature running?  NO?!  Well too bad, jerk!  He’s going to tell you anyway!  So grab some popcorn, take a seat, and try that classy “yawn and stretch” move on your significant other, because the inaugural Peace With Inches movie review is coming at you…right now!

Before diving into the insightful critique, I’ll describe the advanced rating scale with which I will judge all movies.  Using a very complex and well-thought-out formula that accounts for (1) storyline, (2) overarching themes, (3) subplots, (4) dialogue, (5) cinematography, (6) actor performances, (7) actor attractiveness, (8) amount of nudity, (9) number of explosions, (10) inclusion of talking animals, (11) whether the cast includes Christopher Walken, (12) number of training montages, and finally, (13) whether I’m hungry at the time, I give the movie one of five possible designations.  From best to worst, these designations are:

1)   The Last Crusade

2)   Raiders of the Lost Ark

3)   The Temple of Doom

4)   Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

...and finally...

5)   MacGruber

The first four designations are based on my rankings of the Indiana Jones series, and the last one is a 2-minute SNL skit that someone stretched into an hour and half torture session, losing 1.5 million dollars in the process.  It’s with this scaling method in mind that I’ll begin my review of today’s movie, Run Fatboy Run.

Run Fatboy Run (2008)

If you’ve ever fantasized about an unfit Simon Pegg running a marathon in a pair short-shorts and a “National Erectile Dysfunction Awareness” t-shirt, then you sir, need to seriously reassess what you're doing with your life.  However, this is the memorable image that one is left with after watching the sincere comedy, Run Fatboy Run.

Dennis Doyle (Pegg) making sweet, sweet love to
that stationary bike.  He said he would call
afterwards, but never did.

In the movie, down-on-his-luck Dennis Doyle (played by Pegg) is an unfit security guard who spends most his days chasing down lingerie-thieving transvestites.  It’s not until his baby-mama (whom he left at the alter five years earlier) enters into a serious relationship with first class a-hole, Patches O’ Houlihan (Hank Azaria), that Doyle attempts to break out of his rut.  In a last-ditch effort to show the woman he loves (Thandie Newton) that he can change, the lovable bloke vows to complete a marathon.  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get whackier, some other stuff happens…moving on.

First of all, I appreciate that the main character in this movie runs a marathon to both gain respect AND stick it to his romantic rival.  Deep down, both you and I know that the greatest achievements in this world are always fueled by spite and vindictiveness.  It’s like I always say, what’s the point of doing something if you can’t rub it in another person’s face later?  But I digress.  

The movie follows Doyle closely as he battles both his inner demons and his outer flabbiness in an effort to gain the respect and adoration of his former bride-to-be.  Directed by David Schwimmer (yes, the whiny guy from Friends), Run Fatboy Run also tries to depict some of the physical and mental challenges that an endurance runner faces when competing in a marathon.  Chaffing and blisters make prominent cameos during the movie, and Doyle ultimately stands toe-to-toe with “The Wall,” the dreaded mental block that constantly threatens to foil even the most ambitious of racers.  This climatic scene, however, lacks any subtlety, making the portrayal more cheesy than illuminating, but this minor flaw is only offensive to the most serious of runners. 

Overall, Run Fatboy Run is a fun and lighthearted movie that both runners and non-runners can appreciate.  Simon Pegg’s heartwarming performance more than makes up for the movie’s lack of explosions and talking animals, and the witty dialogue (at least the lines I could understand) keeps the movie flowing at a entertaining pace.  Therefore, the movie receives a rating of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

The absence of Christopher Walken and the fact that the only nudity in the movie is a pale-British man’s keister dropped Run Fatboy Run from the upper echelon of motion pictures, but it still finishes in the "Above Average" category.  So add it to your Netflix queue, because while the movie won’t blow you away, it’s not like you have anything better to do. 

 

Puma v. The Cubicle

If you’re anything like my parents, you’ve probably read this blog and thought to yourself, “This Puma fellow has way too much time on his hands,” and also “I’m pretty sure the doctor gave us the wrong baby when we left hospital” (Now that I think about it, this one might be unique to Mom and Dad).  Well, up to two days ago, you would have been correct.  A little background is probably appropriate here.

Justice may be blind, but at least
she has a kick-ass sword.  That's an
adequate substitute for eyesight.

While I don’t like to discuss my life outside the realm of endurance training and competition, a quick summary of my professional experience is appropriate to today’s topic: balancing work and exercise.

Last year, I graduated from a top-tier law school with a very respectable GPA and passed the California Bar Exam (despite computer sabotage!), which, in this economic climate, is apparently worth diddly-squat.  While fruitlessly pursuing permanent employment positions, I resorted to working as a Contract Attorney on temporary litigation projects whenever possible, because, well, I’ve grown accustomed to living indoors.  When I launched Peace With Inches (you’re welcome, by the way), I’d just wrapped up a 3-month project and possessed some newly discovered free time.  That luxury, however, has given way to the need to purchase food and keep a roof over my head.  So watch out Lady Justice, because Puma just suited up (see: clipped on a piano key necktie), and he's going to rock that blindfold right off your face!

Like the majority of this blog’s readers (who are currently skimming this post at work), I now have to find time for my extensive endurance training while working at least 40 hours a week.  Unfortunately, this means that I’ll be waking up between 5 and 6 a.m. most weekdays to workout.  This may seem like an ungodly hour to many of you, but to me, that sounds a whole hell-of-a-lot better than working out at 7 o’clock p.m. after putting in a full day of work.  This is my personal preference, because I like to relax and decompress after work (see: take a bubble bath in the candlelight and enjoy a good cry…”I did my best!”)  

Here are some quick tips for finding some balance between work and training:

·      Set a firm schedule—If your workouts are written down in your calendar, you will be less likely to blow them off.  In addition, you'll feel a slight twinge of shame as you delete that appointment from your schedule.

·      Know Thy Self—Don’t plan to workout early in the day if you aren’t a morning person.  Your grumpy demeanor will make exercise less enjoyable, and thus, make it more difficult to keep up in the future.  Likewise, if you're typically exhausted after work, suck it up and set that alarm.  Those are really your only two options (unless you can take an extended lunch and have access to a shower at your office…or you could not shower. I don’t care. I don’t have to work with you).

·      Prepare the Day Before—You’re more likely to workout if you prepared all of your gear the night before.  The less logistical steps you have to take to exercise, the more likely you are to actually get out there and break a sweat.

·      Blab About It—Tell coworkers and friends that you’re planning on working out.  If you actually care about what those people think of you, you’ll gain just a little bit more motivation.  You don’t want to be a liar, do you? DO YOU?!

I’m sure I could think of a few more, but time is short these days.  To conclude this post, I included a video that symbolizes the perfect blend of the corporate and athletic worlds:

Three questions:

1)   Where do I sign up?

2)   When do I start?

3)   Is the dental plan any good?

Remember to send your questions to peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com for the "Puma Solves Your Problems" segment.

Memories

The Peace With Inches office party:
celebrating 1000 pageviews with our
downstairs neighbor, Leonard.

When Mark Zuckerberg launched The Facebook,  the social networking site generated 22,000 pageviews in the first two hours.  The revolutionary blog, Peace With Inches, is just slightly off that impressive pace, as it only took a mere 42 days to reach 1,000 pageviews.  Watch out Zuckerberg, because those thundering, ever-present footsteps behind you belong to the Puma.

With this blog reaching its first milestone, it seems appropriate to briefly summarize where we’ve been so far on this magic carpet ride. However, before we begin our journey down memory lane, I want to introduce an exciting new segment that will allow you, the adoring public, to ask Puma your questions. The segment, called "Puma Solves Your Problems," will start up in the coming weeks, so send your questions in by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Whether you're an athlete looking for some advice on your training or a curious toddler who wants to know where babies come from, all questions are welcome.

It's now time for a nostalgic recap of some of the highlights so far.  I created this picture montage to commemorate the blog's first 1000 pageviews.  The video serves as a tribute to some of the blog’s more influential characters, and it includes the memorable and captivating images of the first 13 posts.  Every image in this montage has either been previously displayed or the subject matter of the picture has been referenced in the text of an earlier posting, except for one.  I will give a signed picture of Chuck Norris to the person who can name that image first in a comment to this post. (Disclaimer: The picture is signed by me, Puma, not Chuck Norris. So you're trying to win a picture of Chuck Norris with Puma's autograph on it. Just want to be clear about that.)

So remember to send those questions to Puma at peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com, and stay tuned as Peace With Inches continues to develop and expand, enhancing your reading pleasure.

Update: In my first blog post, I challenged Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Robocop to a 20-mile trail race in which all competitors must roundhouse kick someone in the face at every mile marker.  I'm still waiting for a response from all three of the so-called "tough guys" (though I did hear that Robocop soiled his metal underpants in fright when he heard of the challenge). 

"Turn Up The Radio!"

When I walk into my local gym, three thoughts immediately pop into my head: (1) “What’s that smell?” (2) “Why is that elderly gentleman in the mesh tank top staring at me?” and (3) “Man, I wish I thought of iPods before Apple.”

They say a picture is worth a thousand
words, but when I look at this, only
one comes to mind: WHY?

Ever since Apple introduced their line of iPods to the public, music and exercise have been as inseparable as Richard Simmons and bedazzled tank tops.  Whether it’s House music blaring during spin class or a sorority girl listening to the Spice Girls while reading a magazine on an elliptical (are you really that bored?), music and exercise are deeply intertwined.  This may seem like a match made in heaven (like cowboys and ninjas), but as usual, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. 

If you, or someone you know is showing signs of Music Dependency, such as foregoing a trip to the gym because he or she left their iPod at home, contact Puma and I will personally enroll them in my carefully designed three-step program to battle the addiction (Step 1 = Throw iPod into wood chipper; Step 2 = Slap addict in the face; Step 3 = Take a nap).

Having said that, music plays a crucial role in athletics and, more specifically, endurance training.  Could Rocky have single-handedly ended the Cold War without this epic training montage set to Wolf Parade’s “Hearts on Fire?”  Of course not!  Watch this video with the sound on.  After you're done punch-dancing to the awesome tunes, mute your computer (DO IT!!), and watch the first part of the video again.  Without the music, this is either an instructional workout program or a documentary about farming.  Who can tell?:

Need further proof? Without the musical backdrop in the video below, this iconic scene from Chariots of Fire is just a bunch of skinny British guys running at the beach in their pajamas:

Both of these videos persuasively demonstrate the important role that music can play in endurance training.  So how can you most effectively utilize musical motivation while exercising?  Don’t worry, Puma’s here to help.  After all, I may not truly understand the depth and power of music, but I appreciate the noise it makes.

Puma’s (Mostly) Foolproof Musical Strategy

1)   Plan Ahead—Preselect songs before you start your exercise.  This way, you won’t have to fiddle with your iPod while working out, freeing you of a costly distraction.  Under no circumstances may you just hit shuffle and go to town.  There is nothing worse then getting hit with a big dose of Hanson’s "MMMBop" when you reach the climax of your workout (and yes, I know it’s in your iTunes library.  Don’t lie.).

2)   Know What Motivates You—Each one of my playlists starts with an audio recording of my 3^rd grade Physical Education teacher telling me I’d never amount to anything. This ritual fills me with the requisite level of rage to commence any workout (after a brief, five-minute cry session in my bathtub).

3)   Select Workout Appropriate Songs— Tailor your playlists to the specific type of workout you’re trying to complete.

                                               i.     Long Runs—Focus, relaxation and rhythm are key when running 10+ miles.  Slowing things down a bit musically can help achieve these elements of the run.  I’m not saying you need to go all "Junior High Slow Jams" on that thing, but you’ll completely desensitize yourself to “Pump Up Jams” by trying to string together one to three hours of them on a playlist.  So save Will Smith’s “Get Jiggy With It” for the very end of your workout, when you need an adrenalin boost.

Screw you, Iceman!

                                              ii.     Shirtless Beach Volleyball Games ala Top Gun—Pump up “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins, hit repeat, and spike that smug grin right off Iceman’s face!

                                            iii.     Speed Work—Okay, now it’s appropriate to blast your eardrums into an adrenalin-induced stupor.  For example, here is one of Puma’s epically intense playlists.  I save this bad boy for only the most difficult of workouts:

Song	Artist	Explanation
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”	Elton John	Nothing gets me pumped like an effeminate British vocalist talking about fighting.  I imagine the fight would involve a lot of pulled hair, slapped faces, and a spilled appletini or two.
“Ninja Rap”	Vanilla Ice	Go ninja!  Go ninja!  Go! Go ninja!  Go ninja!  Go!  Go!   Go!   Go!  Go!
“It Wasn’t Me”	Shaggy	It helps me run faster if I imagine a furious woman chasing me with some sort of kitchen utensil…What? There actually was a furious woman chasing me with a kitchen utensil? Uh oh…
"Hips Don’t Lie"	Shakira	No sir, they do not. My hips, on the other hand, are filled with gummy bears and deceit.
"Jesse’s Girl"	Rick Springfield	I like to pretend that I do, in fact, know someone named Jesse, and that I am, in fact, stealing that loser’s girlfriend.
"Hold My Hand"	Hootie & The Blowfish	I just really love me some Hootie.
Ghostbusters Theme	Ray Barker Jr.	You’ve got to bring it home strong. “Who ya gonna call?” indeed.

4)   Avoid Clichés—Under no circumstances should these songs appear on your training playlists (There is a specific exception, however, if you want to create an 1980's-style training montage with one of these songs in the background):

                                                   Eminem—Lose Yourself

                                                   50 Cent—In Da Club

                                                  Kanye West—Stronger

                                                  Guns & Roses—Welcome to the Jungle

                                                   Queen—We Will Rock You

                                                  Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me

                                                 White Snake—Here I Go Again on My Own

                                                 Kenny Loggins—Highway to the Danger Zone

                                                  Survivor—Eye of the Tiger

                                                  Europe—The Final Countdown

                                                  Journey—THE ENTIRE CATALOG

5)   Use in Moderation—Leave the iPod at home sometimes.  It’s important to learn how to run without constant musical motivation.  That way you don’t diminish the influence of a carefully constructed playlist when you bust it out for important training runs.  If used too often, the music will become a crutch, and being on crutches is frustrating.  Especially when you can’t drive because your right foot is in a cast, so you need to bum rides from your parents, even though you’re well into your 20’s (true story).

In sum, music can be a valuable training tool for an endurance athlete, but like most things in life, it must be used in moderation.  However, any way you slice it, utilizing an iPod is definitely more efficient than how I used to get my musical motivation…paying a Wham! cover band to sing while I pull them behind me in a rickshaw.  Who wouldn’t run fast with these guys trailing close behind?:

Who Wears Short-Shorts? Puma Wears Short-Shorts!

The Greek poet Euripides once said, “Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.”  Deep, right?  I opened with this quote for two reasons.  First, it’s surprisingly relevant to today’s topic, the proper attire for endurance training.  Second, and more importantly, the quote makes me seem pensive and intelligent (Don’t worry, that impression will be shattered quite rapidly as you continue to read).

Finding the proper workout attire is essential to achieving your own peak performance.  The marketing departments at the major clothing companies want you to believe that you have to look like these schmucks when running:

BOOOOORING.  Unlike the wardrobe snobs in this blatantly inclusive clothing advertisement, I like to dress with some flare.  It's like I always say, "If people aren’t staring at you when you run down the street, you’re doing it wrong."  With that in mind, I give you the first ever Peace With Inches fashion show.  I think you’ll find these options to be both fashionable and functional:

Everyday Training

Comfort is king when dressing for day-to-day training, and nothing is more comfortable than a roomy pair of short-shorts.  Finding your go-to pair is essential for every endurance athlete.  As you can see, the combination of the waist-high slit and shiny-white fabric leaves little to the imagination, while also allowing for excellent crotch ventilation.  You'll be burning up the streets as you run by, because these pants are clearly HOT!

Within this same line, Will Ferrell is modeling another option for everyday training.  This outfit is perfect for the patriotic endurance athlete.  The American Flag codpiece is both sexy and supportive, and the midriff T-Shirt will have will have men and/or women everywhere pledging allegiance to your abs.

We’ll wrap up the everyday training line with a fun and whacky variation on the generic short-shorts look.  Here, the model (who looks a lot like Herschel Walker) is wearing a snazzy denim short and vest combination.  The whole look is tied together by calf-length cowboy boots and futuristic sunglasses.  Notice how the hip-hugger length of the cut-off jean shorts allows for an amazing range of movement and really accentuates the thighs muscles.  This outfit is perfect for the endurance athlete who likes to go straight from the gym to the local discotech.

Racing

There are several important factors that come into play when you’re deciding on the proper attire for race day. We here at Peace With Inches put together a couple of outfits that are perfect for the endurance athlete looking for sleek and lightweight clothing options.

First up is the skintight Green Man suit, made famous by the iconic It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character, Charlie Kelly.  The aerodynamic design cuts down on wind resistance, shaving precious seconds off the racer's time.  The suit also provides head-to-toe coverage, sparing the athlete from the sun’s harsh ultraviolet rays.  While ventilation is not necessarily optimal,  the skintight fabric cuts down on painful chaffing, which significantly reduces the risk of spontaneous combustion during the competition.  Whether you're running a race or robbing a liquor store, the Green Man suit will make it difficult for your pursuers to catch you.

Next up in this category is this wicked-awesome batman costume.  This is a serious outfit for a serious athlete.  The heavy black fabric really absorbs the sun’s heat, warming the muscles and dehydrating the runner rapidly, freeing him or her of all that extra water-weight.  The padded upper-body also builds up the runner’s self-esteem as he or she lines up against scrawny competitors.  But that's not all!  The functional utility belt draws attention to the crotch, and the sharp wrist-guards are perfect for clothes-lining overly ambitious rivals.    Don this thing at your next race, and you'll have your competitors screaming "Holy Bill of Rights, Batman." (Quote care of Batman's effeminate sidekick, Robin)

Rain Gear

Unfortunately, its not always blue skies and smooth sailing for runners.  Sometimes Mother Nature rears her ugly head and endurance athletes are forced to brave the elements.  This festive sombrero-poncho combination is great for the athlete who needs to workout in the pouring rain.  The wide-brim hat shields the rain from his or her eyes, and the colorful poncho keeps the runner dry, while enhancing his or her visibility to both motorists and members of the other sex.  Add in a fake mustache, and you have all the necessary ingredients for a successful rainy day run.  Vamanos!!

 Snow Training    

For years, runners in cold climates have been forced to train on mind-numbing treadmills during the snowy winter months.  Well, perk up people, because Puma has finally found an athletic outfit that can withstand frigid sub-zero conditions.

As you can see, these clothes, which were featured prominently in The Empire Strikes Back, were designed for optimal performance in freezing temperatures.  First, the white and beige color scheme helps the runner blend into his or her surroundings, making it easy to sneak up on unsuspecting competitors (and Rebel forces).  The snow boots and heavy-duty pants (w/ built in knee pads) keep the lower extremities snuggly and dry, and the toasty snow parka has deep pockets that are great for holding water bottles and thermal detonators (Star Wars’ version of grenades).  Also, the Kevlar helmet and thick veil prevent both frostbite and head trauma caused by vicious snow monsters.  Finally, a fully operational blaster rifle is the perfect accessory, making the outfit complete.  Whether you’re looking to pound out a five mile run in blizzard conditions or flush out some annoying Rebel scum from their hidden base on Hoth, slap on this Imperial Snowtrooper uniform and tell Old Man Winter to suck it!  

Zombie Apocalypse

For years, scientific geniuses have been predicting the impending zombie apocalypse.  When that day finally comes, it’ll be important to stay in peak physical condition.  So how should you dress when training among the hoards of flesh-eating zombies?

Sylvester Stallone is modeling our "Commando-Sheik" attire.  The absorbent headband wicks moisture away from the runner’s face and keeps sweat out of the athlete’s eyes.  This is especially important because you want to use precise aim while shooting your giant machine gun into wave after wave of zombies.  The choker necklace also adds a little personal flare to the outfit, because in the fight for survival, looking good is half the battle.  Helicopter sold separately.

That concludes the Peace With Inches fashion show.  These are just a few of the options available to creative runners, so don’t get sucked in by the clothing corporations’ predictable advertisements.  Remember if your going to be out there busting your ass, you might as well make sure people are staring at that sweet rump while you do it.

P.S.  As promised, you forgot all about the deep and thoughtful introduction to this post by now.