Who Wears Short-Shorts? Puma Wears Short-Shorts!

The Greek poet Euripides once said, “Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.”  Deep, right?  I opened with this quote for two reasons.  First, it’s surprisingly relevant to today’s topic, the proper attire for endurance training.  Second, and more importantly, the quote makes me seem pensive and intelligent (Don’t worry, that impression will be shattered quite rapidly as you continue to read).

Finding the proper workout attire is essential to achieving your own peak performance.  The marketing departments at the major clothing companies want you to believe that you have to look like these schmucks when running:

BOOOOORING.  Unlike the wardrobe snobs in this blatantly inclusive clothing advertisement, I like to dress with some flare.  It's like I always say, "If people aren’t staring at you when you run down the street, you’re doing it wrong."  With that in mind, I give you the first ever Peace With Inches fashion show.  I think you’ll find these options to be both fashionable and functional:

Everyday Training

Comfort is king when dressing for day-to-day training, and nothing is more comfortable than a roomy pair of short-shorts.  Finding your go-to pair is essential for every endurance athlete.  As you can see, the combination of the waist-high slit and shiny-white fabric leaves little to the imagination, while also allowing for excellent crotch ventilation.  You'll be burning up the streets as you run by, because these pants are clearly HOT!

Within this same line, Will Ferrell is modeling another option for everyday training.  This outfit is perfect for the patriotic endurance athlete.  The American Flag codpiece is both sexy and supportive, and the midriff T-Shirt will have will have men and/or women everywhere pledging allegiance to your abs.

We’ll wrap up the everyday training line with a fun and whacky variation on the generic short-shorts look.  Here, the model (who looks a lot like Herschel Walker) is wearing a snazzy denim short and vest combination.  The whole look is tied together by calf-length cowboy boots and futuristic sunglasses.  Notice how the hip-hugger length of the cut-off jean shorts allows for an amazing range of movement and really accentuates the thighs muscles.  This outfit is perfect for the endurance athlete who likes to go straight from the gym to the local discotech.

Racing

There are several important factors that come into play when you’re deciding on the proper attire for race day. We here at Peace With Inches put together a couple of outfits that are perfect for the endurance athlete looking for sleek and lightweight clothing options.

First up is the skintight Green Man suit, made famous by the iconic It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character, Charlie Kelly.  The aerodynamic design cuts down on wind resistance, shaving precious seconds off the racer's time.  The suit also provides head-to-toe coverage, sparing the athlete from the sun’s harsh ultraviolet rays.  While ventilation is not necessarily optimal,  the skintight fabric cuts down on painful chaffing, which significantly reduces the risk of spontaneous combustion during the competition.  Whether you're running a race or robbing a liquor store, the Green Man suit will make it difficult for your pursuers to catch you.

Next up in this category is this wicked-awesome batman costume.  This is a serious outfit for a serious athlete.  The heavy black fabric really absorbs the sun’s heat, warming the muscles and dehydrating the runner rapidly, freeing him or her of all that extra water-weight.  The padded upper-body also builds up the runner’s self-esteem as he or she lines up against scrawny competitors.  But that's not all!  The functional utility belt draws attention to the crotch, and the sharp wrist-guards are perfect for clothes-lining overly ambitious rivals.    Don this thing at your next race, and you'll have your competitors screaming "Holy Bill of Rights, Batman." (Quote care of Batman's effeminate sidekick, Robin)

Rain Gear

Unfortunately, its not always blue skies and smooth sailing for runners.  Sometimes Mother Nature rears her ugly head and endurance athletes are forced to brave the elements.  This festive sombrero-poncho combination is great for the athlete who needs to workout in the pouring rain.  The wide-brim hat shields the rain from his or her eyes, and the colorful poncho keeps the runner dry, while enhancing his or her visibility to both motorists and members of the other sex.  Add in a fake mustache, and you have all the necessary ingredients for a successful rainy day run.  Vamanos!!

 Snow Training    

For years, runners in cold climates have been forced to train on mind-numbing treadmills during the snowy winter months.  Well, perk up people, because Puma has finally found an athletic outfit that can withstand frigid sub-zero conditions.

As you can see, these clothes, which were featured prominently in The Empire Strikes Back, were designed for optimal performance in freezing temperatures.  First, the white and beige color scheme helps the runner blend into his or her surroundings, making it easy to sneak up on unsuspecting competitors (and Rebel forces).  The snow boots and heavy-duty pants (w/ built in knee pads) keep the lower extremities snuggly and dry, and the toasty snow parka has deep pockets that are great for holding water bottles and thermal detonators (Star Wars’ version of grenades).  Also, the Kevlar helmet and thick veil prevent both frostbite and head trauma caused by vicious snow monsters.  Finally, a fully operational blaster rifle is the perfect accessory, making the outfit complete.  Whether you’re looking to pound out a five mile run in blizzard conditions or flush out some annoying Rebel scum from their hidden base on Hoth, slap on this Imperial Snowtrooper uniform and tell Old Man Winter to suck it!  

Zombie Apocalypse

For years, scientific geniuses have been predicting the impending zombie apocalypse.  When that day finally comes, it’ll be important to stay in peak physical condition.  So how should you dress when training among the hoards of flesh-eating zombies?

Sylvester Stallone is modeling our "Commando-Sheik" attire.  The absorbent headband wicks moisture away from the runner’s face and keeps sweat out of the athlete’s eyes.  This is especially important because you want to use precise aim while shooting your giant machine gun into wave after wave of zombies.  The choker necklace also adds a little personal flare to the outfit, because in the fight for survival, looking good is half the battle.  Helicopter sold separately.

That concludes the Peace With Inches fashion show.  These are just a few of the options available to creative runners, so don’t get sucked in by the clothing corporations’ predictable advertisements.  Remember if your going to be out there busting your ass, you might as well make sure people are staring at that sweet rump while you do it.

P.S.  As promised, you forgot all about the deep and thoughtful introduction to this post by now.