"Do a Little Dance"

The legendary British distance runner Jack Lovelock once stated, "I have now learned better than to have my races dictated by the public and the press, so I did not throw away a certain championship merely to amuse the crowd and be spectacular."  I, however, am going to respectfully disagree with Jack on this one.  Yes, winning is extremely important, but what's the point if (a) nobody notices your triumph, and (b) your opponent doesn't feel totally humiliated after you defeat him?  After all, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't know the answer to that stupid question, because I don't spend much time in the boring forest.  However, given the choice, which tree would you rather be:  The isolated one in nature that nobody cares about or the one that falls on an unsuspecting double-wide after some hillbilly tries to saw it down?  I think we can all agree that if we were trees, the second option would be the preferred way to go.  

That is why Puma chooses to win with some "tasteful" (more or less) flare.  After the race is over, the other competitors undoubtedly know that their sad and pathetic lives were forever rocked by the one and only Puma.  Then, to really rub their nose in it, I like to pile on the misery with some hauntingly spectacular victory dances.  I have countless numbers of celebrations at my personal disposal. They have been perfected over the years and have crushed many a soul.

At this point, you are probably wondering how you can develop your own spectacular celebratory rituals.  Well the formula looks something like this:

To conclude this post, I included some of the greatest victory celebrations of all time to help inspire your own efforts:

1) Soccer Hooligans -- The redeeming quality of this celebration is the ridiculousness.  The other team should definitely feel bad about letting this team of idiots score a goal against them. They very clearly spend all of their practice time rehearsing mildly homoerotic victory celebrations.

However, they can't all be winners.  Here is the same soccer team, but they definitely missed the mark on this one.  A couple of questions come to mind: (1) Who thought this was a good idea? (2) Who says "yes" when a teammate asks him to pretend to be a toilet?

2) Gridiron Greats -- "If you don't like us dancing don't let us get in the endzone."

3) Drop It Like It's Hot -- When you put this much thought and preparation into your victory celebration, you better make damn sure you win.  Otherwise, you'll be the loser who just got doused with a fire extinguisher for no gosh darn reason.

4) Ping Pong Prancer -- I'm sure you've probably seen this clip, but it ranks as one of the best ever. It gets extra points for both the short-shorts and the copious amounts of pelvic thrusts.  By the end of the clip you don't ever care that the guy is down 10-1 and that, my friends, is the true victory.

A Glimpse of Greatness

…And we’re back.  I apologize for skipping last Friday’s post, but sometimes pesky responsibilities can get in the way of even the most irresponsible people.

Last week, I noted that my training program for the Long Beach marathon started recently, despite the fact that the race is over 5 months away.  Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into the very complex and technical running schedule I use to prepare for my marathons.  However, before we dive into the specifics, I must first convey the mythical origins of the Puma’s highly-coveted training program, commonly referred to as “The Run-etta Stone”:

It was a cold and stormy knight, and a twenty-one year old Puma had just finished zipping up his footy pajamas.  He was sleepy from his long day of arts and crafts activities, so he climbed into his plastic race car bed in the hopes of getting a good night’s sleep.  After he laid his head upon his pillow and pulled his Jurassic Park bed sheet up to his chin, he closed his eyes and quickly fell fast asleep.

With his long legs dangling over the end of the tiny, yet totally age-appropriate bed, Puma suddenly drifted off into a mysterious dream world.  When he came to, the pajama-clad Puma found himself on top of snowy mountain peak.  Though confused and a little bit hungry, Puma forged forward, looking for any possible signs of life.  As he climbed down the rocky mountainside, the bewildered hero stumbled upon a deep cave with a faint light emanating from within.  Thinking there might be a shiny and entertaining object in the cave, Puma courageously entered the intimidating hollow (that's what he said). 

As he drove deeper into the cavern, the light grew brighter and brighter.  The glow finally grew so bright that Puma had to avert his eyes from the overpowering glare.  Lucky for Puma, however, he always keeps a pair of Elton John-style sunglasses in his pajama pockets, so he dramatically placed his kickin’ shades on his face and continued toward the shimmering object.

When he finally gazed upon his target, Puma was amazed to find a tattered and torn book illuminated by a Star Wars nightlight.  On top of the book was a scribbled note:

Dear Chewbacca Puma,

I bestow upon you this epic training guide to help you on your quest for endurance greatness.  Follow this program closely, and you shall be victorious, just like that time we brought down the Empire with nothing but a tribe of furry teddy bears wielding sharp sticks.  How weird was that? 

By the way, Luke has been a real prick since he became a Jedi, and Princess Leia is constantly nagging me these days.  It’s all “nerfherder this” and nerfherder that.”  What the hell does that even mean?!  Anyways, heed the teachings of this guide and you'll make point five passed lightspeed before you know it.

He'd kick the crap out
of your lame spirit
guide.

Your Spirit Guide,

Han Solo

P.S.  How hilarious was it when that tin can, Boba Fett, got eaten by that sand monster?  He was all, “No, don’t eat me, AAAAARG!”  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.  That a-hole can suck it!

Just as Puma finished reading the note, he woke up in his familiar race car bed.  At first he thought the whole thing was a dream, but then, to his amazement, Puma discovered that someone had both slipped the tattered training guide under his pillow and soiled his pajamas while he was sleeping.

 The End?

Now, without further ado, here is a glimpse of my top-secret training guide:

My Bad...

The Puma was a little swamped this week, so he postponed his next post until Tuesday.  He did however, provide this montage of piñata bloopers for his loyal readers.  I'm not sure what it has to be with endurance training, but it is hilarious.  This video is a tribute to the innovators who thought it would be a good idea to blindfold someone and then give them a blunt object to swing wildly.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, piñata inventors. 

Enough words, let's watch people getting hit with sticks! 

 

Long Beach Bound

Coincidentally, this brings me a very valid, yet
completely unrelated point:
Don't pick up hitchhikers. 

Do you really want someone that even
Greyhound Lines deemed
untransportable in your car?

For those of you who are keeping track, the Long Beach Marathon is a mere 165 days away.  Wait, is that right? 165 days?  Well, it’s a good thing the Puma has the will and determination of…uh…well…something that has really strong will and determination…because he also has the attention span of…ooooohhh, shiny!…

(97 minutes later)

And I’m back.  Sorry for the interruption, folks.  We here at Peace With Inches just encountered some…uh…technical difficulties…

Yes, that will cover up nicely.  The nincompoops reading this will never suspect that I was just distracted by a piece of tinfoil.  To tell you the truth, I’m still not convinced the majority of them can read.  I think they’ve just been coming to this site for the bright colors and pretty pictures. 

What’s that?  I’m typing every thought that comes to my mind, you say?  Crap.  Well, I don’t believe in editing, so just leave it in there.  Maybe we can pass it off as a belated April Fools joke.  Yeah, I bet those gullible suckers would fall for that.  What? I’m still doing it? S#!t! I blame this on lack of adequate supervision.  You know I can’t be trusted with technology.

This is some weather we’ve been having in our respective cities, huh?  Diversion achieved.

Anyways, if my math is correct (it's usually not), the Long Beach Marathon is a little over five months away.  This may seem like a long time to some, but with the ever-growing popularity of endurance racing, runners must commit to these events almost a full year in advance to ensure a spot at the starting line.  While it’s somewhat of a gamble to pay non-refundable entrance fees months in advance, financially committing to the endeavor serves as a yet another motivator on your quest to complete a marathon.

So it's with fresh legs and laser-focus that the Puma begins training in earnest for his next challenge.  If he's going to achieve his ambitious goals, "Vanilla Thunder" (okay, nobody calls me this...yet) is going to need to make the most of all 165 days.  Consider this post an introduction to the journey that lies ahead.  Friday's entry will cover the Puma's training program building towards to the marathon.

Now, for no apparent reason whatsoever, I will get back to the hitchhiking point I made in the caption above.  Seriously, don't pick up hitchhikers, because they are all like this, except less hilarious (though the hitchhiker's [Harland Williams] murderous level is about right):

Puma Solves Your Problems, Episode 1

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid question."  I, however, see that statement as a challenge.  If a truly stupid question does exist somewhere in the world, I vow to discover and ask it at the most inappropriate time possible.  I'll let you know how this quest progresses, but today's post isn't about me.  It's about you, the loyal reader.

As promised, "The Puma" will reach deep into his mailbag (not to be confused with Puma's "male bag") and answer your questions.  To commemorate this momentous occasion, I asked the two most iconic mailmen ever to be here.  Unfortunately, I could only get these guys to show up:

So without further ado, I give you episode 1 of the new segment, "Puma Solves Your Problems": 

1.  GM asks  “Did any role models help inspire you to reach undiscovered levels of endurance awesomeness?”

A:  Short answer = NO.  Long Answer = HELL TO THE NO.

2.  On a related topic, BK asks “Is it weird to you that while Chuck Norris is the idol of many, only you are the idol of Chuck Norris?”

A:  Yes, it is true that Chuck Norris does in fact idolize the one known as “The Puma,” but I try to distance myself from Walker Texas Ranger whenever possible.  It’s my personal belief that Mr. Norris is a turkey of the jive variety.

3.  Random Police Officer asks “Seriously sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

A:  What are you, the pants police? Don’t worry about it.

4.  BK also asks “Have you ever had to purchase flame-retardant running shoes to keep yourself from catching fire as you set a blistering pace?”

A:  Very good question.  My shoes usually melt off my feet around mile three, but I have a crack team of NASA scientists working on the issue…and by “crack team of NASA scientists,” I mean a high school Chemistry student wearing a lab coat…and by "a lab coat," I mean a SpongeBob SquarePants sweatshirt.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure that kid was in high school.  Who the hell did I give my shoes to?

5.  PF asks “In an earlier post, you mentioned that a runner should gauge their fitness level before training seriously.  Do you have some sort of rating system?”

            A:  I’m glad you asked.  Here is The Puma’s very scientific fitnessometer:

 6.  RO asks “Puma, I don’t have much luck with the ladies.  If I start running, will I be more attractive to the opposite sex?

A:  Opposite sex. Same sex. Hell, even the more intelligent monkey species are going to want you.  You will, quite literally, be fighting them off with a stick (stick pictured at right).  It’s important to remember, however, that it doesn’t matter who makes the first move, hugging a monkey will still get you kicked out of the zoo.

7.  FH asks Does this look infected to you?

A:  I’m not sure you truly understand how this segment works. I can’t actually see you right now, so any guess would be a wild stab in the dark.  General rule of thumb though: If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.

8.  JA asks “If an evil scientist stole some of your DNA and cloned an evil version of you, could you beat the “Evil Puma” in a race?

A:  An evil version of myself? I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t have one of those…anymore.  But to answer your question, I would win every time.  While “Evil Puma” and I are equally matched physically, he would waste time pouring sugar into people’s gas tanks and stealing candy from babies (which is harder than it looks…er…or so I’ve heard).

Well, that wraps up today's segment.  I'm sorry if I didn't get to your question, but don't worry, I'll most likely answer it in the next installment of "Puma Solves Your Problems."  Remember, you can submit your questions anytime by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com.  Tune in next Tuesday for a thrilling update of Puma's current training program.

The Puma's Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race

I’m not sure if you’ve looked at a calendar lately, but we are rapidly approaching Easter Sunday (or as my friends of other religions know it, “Zombie Jesus Day”).  Growing up, Easter was my favorite holiday because it inexplicably combines two of my deepest passions…delicious candy and heated competition. 

Coloring by MM

However, for the past 15 years or so, rather than feel excitement or joy when I wake up early Easter morning, I’m filled with disappointment and despair.  At this point you may be wondering why Puma has turned into Debby Downer all of a sudden.  The solution to that little riddle can be summed up in three words:  NO EGG HUNT

That’s right, apparently that a-hole known as “society” deems it inappropriate for an adult to frolic around a garden, searching for colorful plastic eggs containing candy and pocket change.  Well, I for one will stand tall and say NO MORE! For too long have children unfairly monopolized this enjoyable and fulfilling activity!  For too long have I missed the feeling of exhilaration one gets during a charge towards a hidden egg (not to mention the feeling of smug satisfaction one gets from pushing a competitor out of the way)!   Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived!  It’s time to take egg hunts back! [insert standing ovation here]

“But Puma, how will you ever achieve this lofty goal?!”  First of all, hysterics aren’t going to help the situation, so calm down, pal.  I’ve already got this whole thing planned out.  We'll start the movement with an adults-only egg hunt with a little bit of an endurance running twist.  Picture the most fun you've ever had in your life.  Now multiply that by infinity, and you will be somewhere in the ballpark of how much fun you'll have at this event.

Now, without further ado, I introduce you to “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”  All who are legally allowed to consume alcohol are welcome!

Here is an explanation of how the competition is going to work:

The Basics

• The race consists of a 5k-racecourse with numerous eggs (filled with all types of candy, loose change and drink coupons) hidden throughout the course.

• To start, the event coordinator will fire a shotgun (yes it must be a shotgun) into the air, and all competitors will begin.

• All competitors will be timed until completion of the 5k-course and must finish the full distance to receive an official result.

• The time it takes the competitor to complete the course is deemed the “unadjusted time.”

The Twist

• The plastic eggs will be three different pastel colors: green, blue, and yellow.  For each egg that a competitor finds and maintains control of (you must still have the eggs in your possession) across the finish line, the competitor will receive a time deduction off their “unadjusted time.”

• Green Eggs = 5 second deduction
• Blue Eggs = 10 second deduction
• Yellow Eggs = 30 second deduction

• At the end of the race, eggs will be counted and time will be deducted from the “unadjusted time”.  The resulting number will be known as the “Official Race Time.”

The Kicker

• To add even more excitement, “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race” will incorporate one of the most beloved children’s game of all time: tag.  There will be someone dressed as an Easter Bunny chasing after competitors. 

• If the Easter Bunny tags a competitor, they must sacrifice one of their eggs.

• If the competitor does not have an egg at the time they are tagged, they will be forced to sit for one minute in the “Porto-potty of Shame.”

The Glory

• The Grand Prize (still to be determined) will be awarded to the competitor with the lowest “Official Race Time.”

• Additional prizes will be awarded to:

• The competitor with the fasted “unadjusted time.”

• The competitor who collects the most eggs.

The Festivities

• At the end of the race, competitors can cash in their drink coupons for booze and chow down on their copious amount of candy.

So there you have it.  This is Puma’s foolproof plan to take back egg hunts.  We can finally enjoy the exhilaration of discovering hidden eggs without having to worry about the parents of weeping children (cry babies) beating us up or calling the cops. 

While it is a little too late to organize the event this year, stay tuned to Peace With Inches for details on future events, including the Inaugural “Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”

I think I just rose to the top of this cat's "People to Kill" List.

Puma's Illustrated Guide to Cross-Training

Do you love and appreciate the Peace With Inches blog posts, but have a hard time reading all of those confusing words?  Well, fret no more you semi-literate heathen, because today’s entry, which covers the value of cross-training, is dominated by easy to comprehend visual aids!  The pie chart below illustrates this post's ratio of words to pictures, 

...Whoops, wrong pie chart. This is the one I meant to show you:

Cross-training can be a useful tool in the endurance runner’s tool belt.  It’s not as useful as a powerful electric drill or bad-ass hammer, but it's definitely better than that stupid flathead screwdriver nobody ever uses.  First, a runner can keep their exercise routine interesting by adding some variety.  Second, if cross-training is done properly, it can also help a runner avoid injuries.  Biking and swimming are probably the two most common exercises that runners incorporate into their weekly workout routine, but I like to spice things up a bit.  For a thrill-seeking athlete like Puma, pumping his legs on a Big Wheel and splashing around in the water is boring as hell.  Here are a few of my challenging cross-training exercises:

Bear Fighting

He may he smarter than the average bear, but I'm crazier and more violent than the average human.

Shark Punching

Don't feel bad for him.  I'm pretty sure that shark is racist.

Simultaneous Cycling & Weightlifting

You get the gist.

I also like to engage in the occasional knife fight with Chuck Norris (not pictured), but that's just for fun, not sport.

Remember to send your questions to peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com for the upcoming "Puma Solves Your Problems" segment.  So far, the most common questions have been "Who are you?" and "How did you get in here?"