The Puma's Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race

I’m not sure if you’ve looked at a calendar lately, but we are rapidly approaching Easter Sunday (or as my friends of other religions know it, “Zombie Jesus Day”).  Growing up, Easter was my favorite holiday because it inexplicably combines two of my deepest passions…delicious candy and heated competition. 

Coloring by MM

However, for the past 15 years or so, rather than feel excitement or joy when I wake up early Easter morning, I’m filled with disappointment and despair.  At this point you may be wondering why Puma has turned into Debby Downer all of a sudden.  The solution to that little riddle can be summed up in three words:  NO EGG HUNT

That’s right, apparently that a-hole known as “society” deems it inappropriate for an adult to frolic around a garden, searching for colorful plastic eggs containing candy and pocket change.  Well, I for one will stand tall and say NO MORE! For too long have children unfairly monopolized this enjoyable and fulfilling activity!  For too long have I missed the feeling of exhilaration one gets during a charge towards a hidden egg (not to mention the feeling of smug satisfaction one gets from pushing a competitor out of the way)!   Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived!  It’s time to take egg hunts back! [insert standing ovation here]

“But Puma, how will you ever achieve this lofty goal?!”  First of all, hysterics aren’t going to help the situation, so calm down, pal.  I’ve already got this whole thing planned out.  We'll start the movement with an adults-only egg hunt with a little bit of an endurance running twist.  Picture the most fun you've ever had in your life.  Now multiply that by infinity, and you will be somewhere in the ballpark of how much fun you'll have at this event.

Now, without further ado, I introduce you to “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”  All who are legally allowed to consume alcohol are welcome!

Here is an explanation of how the competition is going to work:

The Basics

• The race consists of a 5k-racecourse with numerous eggs (filled with all types of candy, loose change and drink coupons) hidden throughout the course.

• To start, the event coordinator will fire a shotgun (yes it must be a shotgun) into the air, and all competitors will begin.

• All competitors will be timed until completion of the 5k-course and must finish the full distance to receive an official result.

• The time it takes the competitor to complete the course is deemed the “unadjusted time.”

The Twist

• The plastic eggs will be three different pastel colors: green, blue, and yellow.  For each egg that a competitor finds and maintains control of (you must still have the eggs in your possession) across the finish line, the competitor will receive a time deduction off their “unadjusted time.”

• Green Eggs = 5 second deduction
• Blue Eggs = 10 second deduction
• Yellow Eggs = 30 second deduction

• At the end of the race, eggs will be counted and time will be deducted from the “unadjusted time”.  The resulting number will be known as the “Official Race Time.”

The Kicker

• To add even more excitement, “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race” will incorporate one of the most beloved children’s game of all time: tag.  There will be someone dressed as an Easter Bunny chasing after competitors. 

• If the Easter Bunny tags a competitor, they must sacrifice one of their eggs.

• If the competitor does not have an egg at the time they are tagged, they will be forced to sit for one minute in the “Porto-potty of Shame.”

The Glory

• The Grand Prize (still to be determined) will be awarded to the competitor with the lowest “Official Race Time.”

• Additional prizes will be awarded to:

• The competitor with the fasted “unadjusted time.”

• The competitor who collects the most eggs.

The Festivities

• At the end of the race, competitors can cash in their drink coupons for booze and chow down on their copious amount of candy.

So there you have it.  This is Puma’s foolproof plan to take back egg hunts.  We can finally enjoy the exhilaration of discovering hidden eggs without having to worry about the parents of weeping children (cry babies) beating us up or calling the cops. 

While it is a little too late to organize the event this year, stay tuned to Peace With Inches for details on future events, including the Inaugural “Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”

I think I just rose to the top of this cat's "People to Kill" List.