That Stuff You Shove in Your Pie Hole

It’s time to get excited folks, because today’s post is about everyone’s favorite subject: FOOD.  Appropriate diet and nutrition for an endurance athlete is an important and somewhat controversial topic.  Unfortunately, it can’t be covered in only one post (even if I’m the one covering it).  I'll discuss this topic intermittently, so be on the look out for future musings on the issue.  Having said that, my goals for this post are simple: (1) to shatter your preconceived notions on what food is appropriate for an endurance athlete and (2) completely revolutionize how you perceive the information on the subject.

Seriously, listen to this song and you'll
be acting out your own salmonella
poisoning montage before you know it.

Like most of the problems in the world, I blame the misconceptions out there on both Hollywood and major food conglomerates.  I’m sure anyone who’s seen the movie Rocky has the image of Sylvester Stallone guzzling down six raw eggs burned permanently into their retinas (trust me folks, that picture is never going away).  What the movie doesn’t show, however, is Rocky coping with diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps after contracting salmonella poisoning.  I guess the director decided to edit that scene out because Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” didn’t seem fitting for a montage of Rocky alternating between vomiting in a trashcan, shivering in bed, and spending long stretches on the crapper (Although, I do believe a scene of this variety could work if it was set to Kim Kardashian’s recently released…ahem… “song”).  So what’s my point?  Well, first and foremost, I wanted to elaborately set up that Kim Kardashian joke.  But second, don’t be an idiot!  If something on TV or in a movie looks like a terrible idea, that’s because it is a terrible idea and has no business being imitated.  Still not convinced?  Here’s a quote from someone who actually reenacted the Rocky egg chug on YouTube:

“Here some Rocky training. It's my first time having raw eggs. They actually tasted better than I though they would.  By the way, I wouldn't recommend trying this. A day later I got Salmonella food poisoning and it wasn't fun.”

This person is a moron, and I’m not even talking about the incomplete sentences, glaring typos, poor punctuation and severely limited vocabulary (Really, salmonella poisoning “wasn’t fun”? Could you elaborate on that, Walt Whitman?).  Do not be this person.  Nobody likes this person.  I only read five poorly constructed sentences, and I already want to kick this guy in the nards, just to prevent any threat of procreation in the future.  Well, I’ve definitely lost track of what my initial point was, but I’m pretty sure I’ve emphatically driven it into the ground by now, so let’s continue.

You now know that Hollywood can’t be trusted when making decisions about food, but what about advertisements on television or in magazines?  Those ads may seem convincing, especially since TV almost single-handedly raised my generation, but don’t be fooled.  Do you really think every time you douse yourself with Axe Body Spray, attractive women will attempt to have their way with you on a city street?  Of course not.  In fact, if you were to walk within 10 feet of an attractive woman, she would plug her nose and wonder why the creepy guy following her thinks body spray is an adequate substitution for bathing regularly.

Exhibit A

I used the Axe advertisements as an example to prove my point, but food commercials are really no different when you think about it.  How long have we been told that Wheaties is “The Breakfast of Champions?”  I took a straw poll of champions.  You know how many of them ate Wheaties for breakfast?  Zero.  That doesn’t stop General Mills from slapping some greedy athlete on their box and declaring their cereal "rocket fuel for athletes." ----->

Here's a side-by-side comparison of three different General Mills Cereals: Original Wheaties, Wheaties “Fuel”, and Fruit Loops:

Original Wheaties(1 cup)		Wheaties “Fuel”(3/4 cup)		Fruit Loops (1 cup)
Calories	110	Calories	210	Calories	118
Total Fat	1.0 g	Total Fat	3.0 g	Total Fat	0.6 g
Saturated Fat	0.1 g	Saturated Fat	2.5 g	Saturated Fat	0.4 g
Sodium	210 mg	Sodium	150 mg	Sodium	141 mg
Sugar	4.0 g	Sugar	14.0 g	Sugar	12.5 g
Protein	3.0 g	Protein	3.0 g	Protein	1.4 g

As you can see, besides the sugar content, there is really no significant difference between Original Wheaties and Fruit Loops, yet Toucan Sam isn't telling kids “eat this sh!@ before you play sports and you’ll rock your opponent’s world!”  And, don’t even get me started on Wheaties “Fuel”.  Notice that the serving size is only ¾ a cup (w/o milk).  I don’t think I’ve ever limited my breakfast to ¾ a cup of dry cereal.  You pour that into a decent-sized bowl, add some skim milk, and you’re looking at 500 calories and almost 30g of sugar.  What exactly are you champion of after consuming a quarter of your daily diet five minutes after waking up?  Hell, if you fall for the Wheaties propaganda, you might as well check out this commercial, because it makes just as much sense:

Wheaties is just one example of misleading food advertisement relating to athletics.  There are others out there, but my rambling has gone on long enough. 

It’s important to remember that finding the right food to fuel your athletic conquests is a personal endeavor.  Some corporate fat cat isn’t automatically going to know what’s best for you.  After a long period of experimentation, I finally found the perfect pre-marathon meal for me at the San Diego Marathon a few years ago: 2 plain bagels, a handful of Skittles and a Gu packet (I’m totally serious about this, by the way).  

I contacted the marketing department at Skittles about a possible ad campaign.  I’m still awaiting a response, but I don’t know how they could pass up a marketing opportunity like this:

You want some freakin' Skittles right now, don't you? Don't Lie.

A New Hope

By now, you might be thinking to yourself: “Puma, your advice is both practical and oddly arousing.  However, what the hell are you doing right now that’s so great?  Why should I listen to you?”  That’s a fair question, but I really wish you would shut your big yap, you unappreciative Philistine!!! If you were here right now, I would punch you in one of your face holes!!!

Oh my. I apologize for that outburst.  I’ve been a little irritable since the revolutionary Disney Channel show, Hannah Montana, concluded earlier this year…Did I say Hannah Montana? Oops. I obviously meant to name a much less embarrassing show…like…um…24.  Yeah, 24, that will do nicely, with its dramatic car chases, tense gunfights and random nuclear explosions.  Well now that I have your attention (and lost your respect), I’ll finally give you an update on my own training.

I know this may be hard to believe (and I apologize to those of you who thought I was a funky robot programmed to win races and steal hearts), but I’m actually coming back from a fairly severe foot injury.  Remember folks; I am in fact human. When I where pants, I put them on like everyone else, provided that everyone else puts their pants on like this:

So, as I was saying, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot during November of last year.  The doctor said the fracture most likely resulted from overuse, but it’s my belief that a jealous competitor repeatedly bashed my foot with a tack hammer while I was in a post-burrito food coma.  That is really the only reasonable conclusion, because this fined-tuned body does not breakdown under normal circumstances.

Slowly working my way back into marathon shape has proved challenging to this point, but I’ve been following the carefully designed steps that I outlined in my previous posts. Here’s a quick outline of where I am right now:

           

·      My Long-Term Goal: Run a sub-3 hour marathon

·      My Short Term Goals:

o   Defend my title in the Clydesdale Division of the Emerald 12k Across the Bay (March 20^th).

o   Run the Chicago Marathon (October 8^th) in 3 hours and 20 minutes

o   Run the CIM International Marathon (December 4^th) in 3 hours and 10 minutes, and qualify for the Boston Marathon.

·      Time Trials: Conducted a couple of these to test various distances and speeds

o   2/11/2010: 10 miles—1:16:39 (7:37 pace) [Marathon Pace]

o   2/21/2010: 4 miles—27:17 (6:48 pace) [12k pace]

The medal was awarded
for having "facial hair of
valor" during the Franco-
Prussian War.

While these times are respectable given the circumstances, I have a lot of work to do if I hope achieve the ambitious goals listed above.  But it’s like the saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, at least you’ll be flying uncontrollably through space, and that seems pretty cool.” That might not be the exact phrasing, but you get the gist.

In addition to increasing my running tempo, I’m gradually building my weekly mileage totals as well.  The best endurance runners in the world typically run more than 100 miles per week.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards.  Unlike those sad workaholics, I can kick-ass with a mere fraction of that effort.  I’m running about 40 miles a week now, but during peak training weeks I should get up to about 60-65 miles.  To further increase my mileage would cut into my time as a Franco-Prussian War reenactor, and that is a sacrifice that I am NOT willing to make. 

Here’s what a typical week looks like when my training program is in full swing:

	Run	Total Distance	Pace
Monday	Day Off	Couch to Bathroom	Depends on what I ate
Tuesday	Speed Work	6 miles	800m intervals at 6:00 min/mile
Wednesday	Easy Run	10 miles	8:15 min/mile
Thursday	Speed Work	10 miles	1 to 2 mile intervals at 6:30 min/mile
Friday	Easy Run	8 miles	8:15 min/mile
Saturday	Very Easy Run	4 miles	9:00 min/mile
Sunday	Long Run	22 miles	Goal Marathon Pace
		60 miles Total

Soak it in folks.  ‘Tis but a small glimpse at Puma’s secret recipe for success.  Don’t be intimidated if my running program makes your paltry exercise routine look feeble and silly, because eventually we’ll get your workouts, which metaphorically look like this right now…

…to look all cocky and egotistical, like this, in the future:

 

“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting Wrinkles the Soul.”

Sure, Admiral Fluffmuffin (above)
might be wrinkled on the
outside, but this persistent pup's
soul has the youthful skin of a Greek God.

By the way, why is that pile of dirty
laundry running towards me?

The title of this post is a quote from Douglas MacArthur, the American General who commanded the Southwest Pacific Theatre in World War II.  I’ve spent many hours pondering the meaning of this quote, and let me be the first to say, WTF, Dougy Mac? WTF?  “Quitting wrinkles the soul.”  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I’ve judged a lot of people in my day, but never once have I thought to myself, “Damn! That dude’s soul is wrinkled as s!@*."  So, sorry Dougy, but this isn’t exactly one of your pearls of wisdom.  It does, however, prove one crucial point:  Nobody likes a quitter!  You should therefore tailor your training to avoid any urge to be a pansy and throw in the towel.

Now, quitting isn’t something that everyone has to worry about.  For example, I once ate a pizza the size of a hula-hoop all by my lonesome, just to prove a point to my older brother (and despite the ever-growing need to seek medical assistance).  That’s just how I roll.  When I set out to do something, there is at least a 77.3% chance that I finish it (see Pie Chart for full break down). For less disciplined individuals, however, there are certain methods that can decrease the temptation to quit.

Four Easy Steps to Achieving your 77.3%

(1) Set Long-Term Goals

First, set a long-term or big-picture goal.  This objective should be what you ultimately hope to achieve through your training.  For example, your goal might be to complete your first marathon, or maybe you merely want to become the unquestioned ruler of the world.  I’m not here to judge your every ambition (though that second one is totally better than the first).  The actual goal itself isn’t all that important.  The key is to consciously identify an achievement that you’d like to work towards...but do yourself a favor and make sure it isn’t lame or pathetic.

(2) Set Short-Term Goals

Next, set short-term goals to track your improvement and build confidence throughout the training process.  These are like the escalator to the final goal.  Why an escalator you ask? Because stairs are for drifters and hillbillies, that’s why!  Short-term goals might include (a) completing a training run at a certain pace, (b) totaling a set amount of miles in a week, (c) running a half-marathon, or (d) finally getting that cute girl at the coffee shop to drop that restraining order.  I included a visual below to help emphasize the importance of setting goals.

I've been told that I cannot legally call the figure in the lower-left corner a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,  so be sure to listen to your "Adolescent Karate Tortoise".  Then ride that escalator straight to your dreams.

(3) Follow a Set Training Program

In addition to setting both long-term and short-term goals, it’s also essential to find or develop a training program that works for you.  To quote the great Kenny Powers, “All the training in the world doesn’t matter if you are doing it like an a-hole.”  Having a structured running schedule, with your workouts set in advance, allows you to stay focused and track your progress. Ambiguity and indecision will only make it more difficult to achieve your goals.

(4) Develop a Consistent Daily Routine

Finally, sticking to a consistent workout routine will help keep your training on track. By allotting a specific time for running in your daily schedule, you’ll develop positive training habits and maybe even add a shred of joy to your mundane, depressing life.

Hopefully everyone now understands the importance of goals and structure in the endurance training process.  I started this post with a useless quote, but I will now leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Jack Handey to provide inspiration as you strive to achieve your endurance running goals:

“In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

Whoops, that quote was actually supposed to be included in my letter to the International Olympic Committee.  This is the Jack Handey quote with which I meant to end this post:

“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.”

“Why hello there, Endurance Running. Do you know karate? Because your body is kicking!”

By now, everyone must be totally psyched to commence his or her own training.  I’m betting that you’re probably so ready to throw on a pair of shoes and pound out a 14 mile tempo run, that if you have to wait another minute, you’ll finally snap and smash a keyboard into your smug co-worker’s crotch.  But whoa, you’re going to have to pump the brakes, Turbo. 

First of all, you should consult your HR department about personal use of office property before wielding any computer hardware as a weapon.  Second, you can’t just dive into Endurance Running like it’s some sort of community pool.

Endurance Running is no floozy, and it’s definitely out of your league.  If you approach it with the tact and skill of a Butabi brother from Night at the Roxbury, Endurance Running will slap your face into next week.  The only way you’re going to be able to score that fine piece of work is by laying a strong foundation.  You need to get to know Endurance Running better.  Romance it a little.  Prove to it that you’re ready for a long-term relationship.  Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, under no circumstances may you invite Endurance Running to “the party in your pants.”  I don’t care if everyone else is invited, and you think it would be rude to leave him or her off the guest list.  Endurance Running is always going to RSVP a big N-O to that fiesta.  I included a visual aid below to help emphasize this point, but don't fret, the post continues under the image.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, why you gotta be throwin’ salt in my game, Puma?!” (FYI: In my head, you all look and talk like Vanilla Ice).  But don’t worry; I’m going to be your wingman while you try to woo that fickle temptress/tempter, Endurance Running.  Here’s a checklist of appropriate conduct during the courtship period:

1.     Consult a Doctor: Wouldn’t you want to know up front that the person hitting on you has a clean bill of health, you know…in the pants?

If you have any preexisting injuries or conditions that have given you trouble in the past, I would recommend consulting a doctor before you start training intensely.  This is especially important if you have a history of heart problems.  I personally see my doctor before every training session to make sure that the hearts of single women everywhere can handle it (they can’t).

2.     Set Goals: How else are you going to prove that this isn’t just a one-night stand?

Setting goals is absolutely essential for anyone beginning a training program.  I recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals.  For example, my short-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but my long term-goal is to own and operate an intercontinental train that caters exclusively to cats and dogs (though I still haven’t figured out how endurance running will directly lead to the accomplishment of this venture).  This is a complex topic, so I’ll give it greater attention in a later post.

3.      Assess Your Fitness Level: The breath-check before the first make out session.

It’s important to accurately hone in on your fitness level at the onset of a training cycle by running a time trial of some sort.  Not only will this allow you to set challenging, yet achievable goals, but it will also make it easier to track your improvement.  For some, this might be as simple as seeing how far you can run without having to stop.  For other, more experienced runners, a useful time trial will depend on a number of factors, including your past accomplishments, your target event, and your desired pace.

Personally, I have to be careful when I conduct a time trial, because I'll set out to gauge my fitness level and end up breaking a world record or two.  One thing is clear though.  Whether I shatter records or they stay intact, the results of my time trials are almost always the same:

Puma’s Fitness Level = Totally Slammin’

So there you have it.  These are some of the more important courtship rituals if you’re going to try to finagle your way into Endurance Running’s pants.  I know it may seem like a lot of work, but if you play your cards right, Endurance Running might just rock your world.  And unlike your typical “romantic encounters”, it’s guaranteed to last longer than 3 minutes, which, by the way, is all you really need if you know what you’re doing…I mean…err…or so I’ve heard…Is it hot in here?

Sorry to disappoint (“That’s what he said.”), but there are no shortcuts to forming a meaningful relationship with Endurance Running.  If you don’t think you’ve got the testicular/ovarian fortitude for it, you could always settle for Running’s less attractive friend, Jazzercising (see below).

I take it back, this is freaking awesome!

A couple of things to look out for:

1) The random people on the weight machines in the background

 2) Superfan "Paul" going crazy about 3:45 minutes into the clip