That Stuff You Shove in Your Pie Hole

It’s time to get excited folks, because today’s post is about everyone’s favorite subject: FOOD.  Appropriate diet and nutrition for an endurance athlete is an important and somewhat controversial topic.  Unfortunately, it can’t be covered in only one post (even if I’m the one covering it).  I'll discuss this topic intermittently, so be on the look out for future musings on the issue.  Having said that, my goals for this post are simple: (1) to shatter your preconceived notions on what food is appropriate for an endurance athlete and (2) completely revolutionize how you perceive the information on the subject.

Seriously, listen to this song and you'll
be acting out your own salmonella
poisoning montage before you know it.

Like most of the problems in the world, I blame the misconceptions out there on both Hollywood and major food conglomerates.  I’m sure anyone who’s seen the movie Rocky has the image of Sylvester Stallone guzzling down six raw eggs burned permanently into their retinas (trust me folks, that picture is never going away).  What the movie doesn’t show, however, is Rocky coping with diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps after contracting salmonella poisoning.  I guess the director decided to edit that scene out because Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” didn’t seem fitting for a montage of Rocky alternating between vomiting in a trashcan, shivering in bed, and spending long stretches on the crapper (Although, I do believe a scene of this variety could work if it was set to Kim Kardashian’s recently released…ahem… “song”).  So what’s my point?  Well, first and foremost, I wanted to elaborately set up that Kim Kardashian joke.  But second, don’t be an idiot!  If something on TV or in a movie looks like a terrible idea, that’s because it is a terrible idea and has no business being imitated.  Still not convinced?  Here’s a quote from someone who actually reenacted the Rocky egg chug on YouTube:

“Here some Rocky training. It's my first time having raw eggs. They actually tasted better than I though they would.  By the way, I wouldn't recommend trying this. A day later I got Salmonella food poisoning and it wasn't fun.”

This person is a moron, and I’m not even talking about the incomplete sentences, glaring typos, poor punctuation and severely limited vocabulary (Really, salmonella poisoning “wasn’t fun”? Could you elaborate on that, Walt Whitman?).  Do not be this person.  Nobody likes this person.  I only read five poorly constructed sentences, and I already want to kick this guy in the nards, just to prevent any threat of procreation in the future.  Well, I’ve definitely lost track of what my initial point was, but I’m pretty sure I’ve emphatically driven it into the ground by now, so let’s continue.

You now know that Hollywood can’t be trusted when making decisions about food, but what about advertisements on television or in magazines?  Those ads may seem convincing, especially since TV almost single-handedly raised my generation, but don’t be fooled.  Do you really think every time you douse yourself with Axe Body Spray, attractive women will attempt to have their way with you on a city street?  Of course not.  In fact, if you were to walk within 10 feet of an attractive woman, she would plug her nose and wonder why the creepy guy following her thinks body spray is an adequate substitution for bathing regularly.

Exhibit A

I used the Axe advertisements as an example to prove my point, but food commercials are really no different when you think about it.  How long have we been told that Wheaties is “The Breakfast of Champions?”  I took a straw poll of champions.  You know how many of them ate Wheaties for breakfast?  Zero.  That doesn’t stop General Mills from slapping some greedy athlete on their box and declaring their cereal "rocket fuel for athletes." ----->

Here's a side-by-side comparison of three different General Mills Cereals: Original Wheaties, Wheaties “Fuel”, and Fruit Loops:

Original Wheaties(1 cup)		Wheaties “Fuel”(3/4 cup)		Fruit Loops (1 cup)
Calories	110	Calories	210	Calories	118
Total Fat	1.0 g	Total Fat	3.0 g	Total Fat	0.6 g
Saturated Fat	0.1 g	Saturated Fat	2.5 g	Saturated Fat	0.4 g
Sodium	210 mg	Sodium	150 mg	Sodium	141 mg
Sugar	4.0 g	Sugar	14.0 g	Sugar	12.5 g
Protein	3.0 g	Protein	3.0 g	Protein	1.4 g

As you can see, besides the sugar content, there is really no significant difference between Original Wheaties and Fruit Loops, yet Toucan Sam isn't telling kids “eat this sh!@ before you play sports and you’ll rock your opponent’s world!”  And, don’t even get me started on Wheaties “Fuel”.  Notice that the serving size is only ¾ a cup (w/o milk).  I don’t think I’ve ever limited my breakfast to ¾ a cup of dry cereal.  You pour that into a decent-sized bowl, add some skim milk, and you’re looking at 500 calories and almost 30g of sugar.  What exactly are you champion of after consuming a quarter of your daily diet five minutes after waking up?  Hell, if you fall for the Wheaties propaganda, you might as well check out this commercial, because it makes just as much sense:

Wheaties is just one example of misleading food advertisement relating to athletics.  There are others out there, but my rambling has gone on long enough. 

It’s important to remember that finding the right food to fuel your athletic conquests is a personal endeavor.  Some corporate fat cat isn’t automatically going to know what’s best for you.  After a long period of experimentation, I finally found the perfect pre-marathon meal for me at the San Diego Marathon a few years ago: 2 plain bagels, a handful of Skittles and a Gu packet (I’m totally serious about this, by the way).  

I contacted the marketing department at Skittles about a possible ad campaign.  I’m still awaiting a response, but I don’t know how they could pass up a marketing opportunity like this:

You want some freakin' Skittles right now, don't you? Don't Lie.