Who Wears Short-Shorts? Puma Wears Short-Shorts!

The Greek poet Euripides once said, “Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.”  Deep, right?  I opened with this quote for two reasons.  First, it’s surprisingly relevant to today’s topic, the proper attire for endurance training.  Second, and more importantly, the quote makes me seem pensive and intelligent (Don’t worry, that impression will be shattered quite rapidly as you continue to read).

Finding the proper workout attire is essential to achieving your own peak performance.  The marketing departments at the major clothing companies want you to believe that you have to look like these schmucks when running:

BOOOOORING.  Unlike the wardrobe snobs in this blatantly inclusive clothing advertisement, I like to dress with some flare.  It's like I always say, "If people aren’t staring at you when you run down the street, you’re doing it wrong."  With that in mind, I give you the first ever Peace With Inches fashion show.  I think you’ll find these options to be both fashionable and functional:

Everyday Training

Comfort is king when dressing for day-to-day training, and nothing is more comfortable than a roomy pair of short-shorts.  Finding your go-to pair is essential for every endurance athlete.  As you can see, the combination of the waist-high slit and shiny-white fabric leaves little to the imagination, while also allowing for excellent crotch ventilation.  You'll be burning up the streets as you run by, because these pants are clearly HOT!

Within this same line, Will Ferrell is modeling another option for everyday training.  This outfit is perfect for the patriotic endurance athlete.  The American Flag codpiece is both sexy and supportive, and the midriff T-Shirt will have will have men and/or women everywhere pledging allegiance to your abs.

We’ll wrap up the everyday training line with a fun and whacky variation on the generic short-shorts look.  Here, the model (who looks a lot like Herschel Walker) is wearing a snazzy denim short and vest combination.  The whole look is tied together by calf-length cowboy boots and futuristic sunglasses.  Notice how the hip-hugger length of the cut-off jean shorts allows for an amazing range of movement and really accentuates the thighs muscles.  This outfit is perfect for the endurance athlete who likes to go straight from the gym to the local discotech.

Racing

There are several important factors that come into play when you’re deciding on the proper attire for race day. We here at Peace With Inches put together a couple of outfits that are perfect for the endurance athlete looking for sleek and lightweight clothing options.

First up is the skintight Green Man suit, made famous by the iconic It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character, Charlie Kelly.  The aerodynamic design cuts down on wind resistance, shaving precious seconds off the racer's time.  The suit also provides head-to-toe coverage, sparing the athlete from the sun’s harsh ultraviolet rays.  While ventilation is not necessarily optimal,  the skintight fabric cuts down on painful chaffing, which significantly reduces the risk of spontaneous combustion during the competition.  Whether you're running a race or robbing a liquor store, the Green Man suit will make it difficult for your pursuers to catch you.

Next up in this category is this wicked-awesome batman costume.  This is a serious outfit for a serious athlete.  The heavy black fabric really absorbs the sun’s heat, warming the muscles and dehydrating the runner rapidly, freeing him or her of all that extra water-weight.  The padded upper-body also builds up the runner’s self-esteem as he or she lines up against scrawny competitors.  But that's not all!  The functional utility belt draws attention to the crotch, and the sharp wrist-guards are perfect for clothes-lining overly ambitious rivals.    Don this thing at your next race, and you'll have your competitors screaming "Holy Bill of Rights, Batman." (Quote care of Batman's effeminate sidekick, Robin)

Rain Gear

Unfortunately, its not always blue skies and smooth sailing for runners.  Sometimes Mother Nature rears her ugly head and endurance athletes are forced to brave the elements.  This festive sombrero-poncho combination is great for the athlete who needs to workout in the pouring rain.  The wide-brim hat shields the rain from his or her eyes, and the colorful poncho keeps the runner dry, while enhancing his or her visibility to both motorists and members of the other sex.  Add in a fake mustache, and you have all the necessary ingredients for a successful rainy day run.  Vamanos!!

 Snow Training    

For years, runners in cold climates have been forced to train on mind-numbing treadmills during the snowy winter months.  Well, perk up people, because Puma has finally found an athletic outfit that can withstand frigid sub-zero conditions.

As you can see, these clothes, which were featured prominently in The Empire Strikes Back, were designed for optimal performance in freezing temperatures.  First, the white and beige color scheme helps the runner blend into his or her surroundings, making it easy to sneak up on unsuspecting competitors (and Rebel forces).  The snow boots and heavy-duty pants (w/ built in knee pads) keep the lower extremities snuggly and dry, and the toasty snow parka has deep pockets that are great for holding water bottles and thermal detonators (Star Wars’ version of grenades).  Also, the Kevlar helmet and thick veil prevent both frostbite and head trauma caused by vicious snow monsters.  Finally, a fully operational blaster rifle is the perfect accessory, making the outfit complete.  Whether you’re looking to pound out a five mile run in blizzard conditions or flush out some annoying Rebel scum from their hidden base on Hoth, slap on this Imperial Snowtrooper uniform and tell Old Man Winter to suck it!  

Zombie Apocalypse

For years, scientific geniuses have been predicting the impending zombie apocalypse.  When that day finally comes, it’ll be important to stay in peak physical condition.  So how should you dress when training among the hoards of flesh-eating zombies?

Sylvester Stallone is modeling our "Commando-Sheik" attire.  The absorbent headband wicks moisture away from the runner’s face and keeps sweat out of the athlete’s eyes.  This is especially important because you want to use precise aim while shooting your giant machine gun into wave after wave of zombies.  The choker necklace also adds a little personal flare to the outfit, because in the fight for survival, looking good is half the battle.  Helicopter sold separately.

That concludes the Peace With Inches fashion show.  These are just a few of the options available to creative runners, so don’t get sucked in by the clothing corporations’ predictable advertisements.  Remember if your going to be out there busting your ass, you might as well make sure people are staring at that sweet rump while you do it.

P.S.  As promised, you forgot all about the deep and thoughtful introduction to this post by now. 

Puma v. The Press

Today’s post contains bonus coverage of my performance in the Emerald Across the Bay 12k.  Up to this point, you know the results and can kind of deduce what happened in the race by referring back to my riveting summary, “Puma and the Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes,” but you don’t know how I dealt with the public firestorm that followed the race.

Not Pictured: The bald eagle's
battle-axe and machine gun

After watching Puma struggle through the 7.5 mile course, the media vultures began circling.  They all hoped to catch that first glimpse of a Charlie Sheen-like mental breakdown.  However, unlike Carlos Irwin Estevez (seriously, Irwin?), Puma don’t play that game.  Charlie might have Adonis DNA and tiger blood running through his veins, but I have the indomitable spirit of a colossal bald eagle clutching a battle-axe in one talon and a machine gun in another.  Let’s see your Adonis DNA deal with that!

To confront the fallout head on, I called a press conference after turning in the somewhat disappointing result.  It was easy to get all of the reporters there, because each one is a figment of my imagination.  What resulted was one of the most entertaining press conferences of all time.  If I were to rank it, the presser would probably be sitting at #4 right now, behind these little nuggets:

1) Dennis Green

 2) Allen Iverson

3)    Jim Mora

 Here is a transcript from the press conference:

PUMA:  Everyone shut up! If it’s okay with all of you nincompoops, I would like to get this started.  I have a recorded episode of Oprah waiting for me at home, and it's not going to watch itself.  I’ll be calling on the reporters personally.  However, since none of you are important enough to know by name, I will refer to you based on whatever pops into my head first when I see you.

So, let’s begin with you over there in the corner, the one that looks like a potential sex offender.

REPORTER 1 (R1):  Are you talking about me?

PUMA:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m talking to the other guy with the creepy mustache. Of course I’m talking to you, Roman Polanski.  You have a question or not?

R1:  I get a lot of compliments on this mustache.

PUMA:  Look, I don’t care what your Mom has to say about your mustache, buddy. Just ask your damn question.

R1:  You started out the race extremely fast, running the first mile in 6 minutes and 20 seconds.  Was that part of your plan, or do you think you wasted energy?

PUMA:  Well, if you had bothered doing any research on the race instead of grooming that pathetic excuse for a mustache, you would have seen that the first mile is almost completely downhill.  I was just cruising at that speed trying to give myself a cushion going into miles 2 and 3, which would be much slower. 

Next question! Let’s go with you in the front. The woman with the perm.

REPORTER 2 (R2):  I’m a man and I don’t have a perm.

PUMA:  I just call it as I see it, pal.  Ask your question.

R2:  I’m actually pretty offended.  I think you should apologize.

PUMA:  Okay, fine. You don’t actually look like a woman, but you certainly just displayed the emotional fragility of a teenage girl.

R2:  That’s not even close to an apology.

PUMA:  Well, that’s the best you’re going to get, so we might as well move on.

R2:  I’m leaving.

PUMA:  That’s probably for the best.  I think there’s a sale at Forever 21 today.

Let’s see, who’s next…you, Mullet McGee in the back.

REPORTER 3(R3):  I'm actually okay with that one.  You were on your goal pace through the first 4 miles.  What happened? Do you feel like you could have held on to that for a little while longer?

PUMA:  Yeah, I was on pace through the first 4 miles, but miles 2 and 3 proved to be more tiring than expected.  The wind on the Golden Gate Bridge did not help the situation either.  I’m a tall man, so wind is not kind to my masculine physique. 

We have time for a couple more questions, so let’s move on.  You over there, with the bubble butt.

REPORTER 4 (R4):  My name is Janet.

PUMA:  What am I, writing your memoirs?  I don’t care what your name is.  Ask your question.

R4:  Could you give the public some tips, so men and women everywhere can be more like you?

PUMA:   First of all, you will never be me! Second of all, I forgot your question!

Let’s keep this thing moving forward.  The last question will go to skinny Al Roker over there.

REPORTER 5 (R5):  I’ve actually heard that comparison before.  Now that the Emerald Across the Bay 12k has passed in disappointing fashion, what do you have planned next?

PUMA:  Let me answer your question with another question.  SHUT UP!

R5:  That’s not a question.

PUMA:  This press conference is over! (Storms of the stage)

All in all, I think I handled that pretty well.  Next week, Peace With Inches will be back on its typical, Tuesday/Friday schedule.  Upcoming topics include proper running attire and workout playlists.

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Well, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k came and went, and it pains me to inform you that I, Puma, was dethroned as the Clydesdale Champion on a stormy Sunday morning.  The damp and windy conditions made for a sluggish day of racing on the Golden Gate Bridge, leading to slow times across the board.  The overall winner of the race finished with a time of 37:36, a full minute and forty-five seconds off the fastest time last year (35:51).  Even the legendary Puma could not tame Mother Nature on this day (Current Score: Puma—71, Mother Nature—3), as my time was 26 seconds slower than last year’s result (53:59).

After the dust settled, I finished 4^th in an extremely competitive Clydesdale Division and 239th overall (out of 2024 official finishers).  This just proves at least three full-bodied competitors were better cheaters than I.  Yet another reason why I’m campaigning for mandatory drug testing before every recreational endurance race.  I’m sick of losing to juiced-up Neanderthals.  Besides, I’m pretty sure I saw the winner of the Clydesdale Division go by on Roller Blades.      

So all in all, it was a day of mixed results and mixed emotions (as a lone tear falls onto a mashed keyboard).  I intended to give a mile-by-mile recap of the race at this point, but ultimately decided that to recount the event in such a manner would be trivial and boring.  Instead, I will now describe my experience at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k as of a Lord of the Rings-stlye fantasy saga:

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Puma awoke from his uneasy slumber as the wind and rain pummeled his straw hut.  He gained no respite during the night, for he was consumed by the mighty challenge lying before him.  Soon, the sun would climb over the eastern mountains, and a mighty battle would commence.  

Ok, I know what you're thinking, but it's a lot
easier to draw a lovable dragon.

For too long has the dickish Emerald Dragon known as Twelvekay tormented the kind-hearted-yet-somewhat-snooty inhabitants of Francisconia.  From the flannel-wearing Hipsters of the Mission Province, to the ale-chugging dwellers of the Marina Quarter, all had tasted the unforgiving wrath of Twelvekay.  When the mayhem grew too fierce, the Francisconians begged the mighty Puma, who was a direct descendant of the Clydesdale clan and lived in the far off village of Burlingshire, to slay the fearsome Emerald Dragon.

Now, the day of the battle had finally arrived, and the handsome and brawny Puma thought intensely of the challenge that lies before him.  He took his morning tinkle in ye olde bedpan and then valiantly adorned himself with his magical short-shorts.

…Then some other stuff happened, but it’s boring so I’m going to skip right to the epic fight scene that will make the giant battle in Braveheart look like an episode of Dora the Explorer…

Twelvekay, the dickish Emerald Dragon arose promptly at 8:30am, as the sun continued its ascent in the morning sky.  He bellowed out a loud roar that sounded as if a race official had blown an air horn into a microphone (I might need to work on my similes).  Though a lesser man would have crapped his pants upon hearing that fowl sound, Puma’s magical short-shorts remained free of excrement, for he does not fear dragons, even ones that can, for some unexplained reason that is not critical to the plot of this story, shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

So the two ferocious beings commenced violent and sweaty combat atop the high Fortress of Baker, which is nestled in the hills of Sausalitoland.  Puma, fueled by Skittles and rage charged courageously at the mighty beast.  Twelvekay was momentarily stunned by the boldness and stupidity of his chiseled attacker.  The dragon’s fire-breath and laser-eyes could not stop Puma from delivering a mighty blow into the underbelly of the beast.  The force of this attack caused both Puma and Twelvekay to tumble down the mountainside, ultimately coming to rest at the Sausalitoland coast.  Puma’s energy level was high, and for the first 6:20 minutes of the fight (1 mile marker), he dominated the Emerald dragon like the beast was his prison girlfriend.

Twelvekay, realizing he was outmatched at sea level, struggled free of Puma’s Kung Fu Grip, spread his mighty wings and soared atop the famous Iron Gateway Bridge of Francisconia.  Puma pursued the serpent up a steep and treacherous mountain, slowing his pace in the hopes of conserving energy for the remaining battle.  Once he reached the mountaintop, Puma sprinted onto the bridge, dodging multiple fireballs and laser beams.  As the valiant warrior charged over the sea, the chicken-sh#t Emerald Dragon stayed just out of reach of Puma.  To make things even more difficult for his handsome pursuer, Twelvekay flapped his colossal wings, creating powerful winds that threatened to blast Puma to a watery and shark-infested grave hundreds of feet below.  The difficult climb and gusting winds slowed Puma significantly and robbed him of much energy.  This was especially true since his Skittles-induced adrenalin rush was beginning to wane. 

Pictured from Top to Bottom: The Emerald Dragon, Puma, Puma's Magical Short-Shorts, Sharks
(Picture not drawn to scale)

 

To this point, the legendary combatants had been wrestling (in a non-homoerotic manner) for exactly 28 minutes and had traveled exactly 4 miles.  The Emerald Dragon had successfully weathered the aggressive start by his zealous challenger.  He and Puma were now on a level playing field as the fight continued along the Francisconia coastline.  Twelvekay, realizing that his tall and attractive foe was beginning to fatigue, continuously pelted Puma with molten-fire from his Sarah Jessica Parker-size nostrils and shot laser beams from his wee-beady eyes.  Even though his pace continued to fade, Puma still refused to relent.  He continued to battle with the Emerald Dragon and landed a forceful punch right to the snout of Twelvekay at the 6-mile mark.  Fearing that Puma might be catching a second wind, the massive serpent let out a blood-curdling screech, and rain from the clouds above poured heavily upon the weary fighter.

Still the fight raged on, now spanning over 50 minutes and 7 miles.  Puma, sensing that the end was near, dug deep into his massive onion sack for one last siege of the Emerald Dragon.  Channeling his Clydesdale forefathers, the brave combatant charged violently down the hill above the Fortress of Mason, shaking the ground with his every step.  Twelvekay defensively fired one last blast of fire, but Puma jumped through the wall of flames and landed a flying karate kick to the crotch of the stunned dragon.

Twelvekay let out a high-pitched squeal and fell to the ground.  After 7.5 miles and 54:25 minutes, the dragon looked at the exhausted warrior hunched over beside him, and said “Come on man, that really hurt! Not cool!” (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the dragon can talk. That’s pretty important to the conclusion of the story).  He then continued, “Your kung fu is strong, and you’ve proved to be a worthy foe.  We could continue this combat atop a mountain high until the end of time, OOOOOOR we could call it a stalemate and go get some sandwiches.  Maybe even play some ping pong in the game room of my lair.”

Puma raised his battle-worn face, looked squarely into the beady eyes of Twelvekay and said “Okie dokie.  Lead the way.”  Then, as the Emerald Dragon turned his back on Puma, the crafty warrior killed the gullible beast, because draws are for chumps.  The Francisconians let out a thunderous roar as Twelvekay’s lifeless body fell to the ground.  Puma, knowing that his task was finally complete, summoned his noble unicorn, Norbert, and began his long journey back to his humble straw hut.

So Puma did eventually finish his task and defeat the Emerald Dragon, though it was not his proudest victory.  If anyone asks, he will tell them that he killed Twelvekay in self-defense, because he’s pretty sure he saw the dragon reach for a gun. 

YE OLDE END

Hold Your Horses

This is a good news-bad news type of situation.

The bad news first...

Not Pictured: The unsuspecting dog on
which the kitten is about to pounce.

Yes, I promised my loyal readers a detailed recap of the Emerald Across the Bay 12k, but you'll have to wait just a little while longer for the gripping conclusion.  Unfortunately, the race organizers have yet to post the results of the Clydesdale Division.  Any summary of the race without those would be premature and woefully incomplete.  So take some advice from the fuzzy kitten to the right and chill the *bleep* out.

Now for the good news...

You get to enjoy an extra post this week! Yes folks, there's the silver lining among the clouds.  Hopefully today's post will help you cope with the mind-numbing suspense.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me an article from an NPR blog, and, given my recent discussion of Clydesdale racing, it seems appropriate to pass it along now.  I noticed that Yahoo News also picked up the story last night, but like most Y! News posts, it lacked any sort of insight or depth on the matter.  I guess that's what happens when you get news from a site that puts the devastation in Japan as a co-headline with the articles "Tennis Pro Claims Higher IQ than Einstein" and "Rocker Sammy Hagar Says Abducted by Aliens." 

This past weekend, a National Champion Sumo wrestler named Kelly Gneiting ran the Los Angeles Marathon for the second time.  It took him nearly 10 hours, but the 400-pound competitor completed the full 26.2 miles, improving on his previous time by over an hour.

Yes, a 400-pound Sumo wrestler from Defiance, AZ completed a marathon.  What's stopping you?

Here's a link to the brief article:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/03/21/134740369/400-pound-sumo-wrestler-finishes-l-a-marathon

For more information, here's a lengthy video covering Gneiting's journey in the 2008 LA Marathon. He actually tells a pretty interesting story:

Gneiting was able go where no 400-pound man was able to go before.  As a reward, I think the winner of the LA Marathon, Markos Geneti, should be forced to face Gneiting in a Sumo match.  I believe it will end in one of two ways:

1) A scrawny Markos Geneti size hole in the wall.
2) A Markos Geneti size pancake on the mat.

... I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid. 

Kelly Gneiting crosses the finish line
(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times / March 20, 2011)

Puma's Super Confidential Race Strategy...Now Available to the Public!

On Sunday, the Puma will toe the starting line at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k with one isolated and intense thought on his mind…funny-ass kitten videos.  However, after that adorable/hilarious brain wave passes, he’ll then realize a race is about to start, so he better focus (I’m going to stop writing in the third person now, because much like a puppy who sees its reflection in the mirror for the first time, I’m starting to confuse and aggravate myself).

The ground (and the competition)
trembles with their every step.

As noted above, my first race of the year, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k, takes place this weekend.  The race has additional significance this year, because I’m the defending Clydesdale Division (see: “Fatty Race”) Champion.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “Clyesdale” term, some races include special (see: better) divisions for larger (see: sexier) competitors.  Men who weigh over 200 lbs. and women who weigh over 150 lbs. can compete in these special divisions.  The men’s division is called the “Clydesdale” division, after the majestic horse that, most notably, pulls the Budweiser delivery cart during Superbowl commercials.  The creators of the women’s category, apparently not wanting to liken their athletes to beer-toting beasts-of-burden, named it the “Athena” division.  It’s definitely appreciated when races recognize the winners of these sub-divisions, because those scrawny elite runners will never truly understand what it’s like to be slowed down by the weight of your own breathtaking awesomeness.

Getting back to the topic at hand, my upcoming race inspired the subject matter of today’s post, which is race preparation and strategy.  

Race Week Training

When Charlton Heston says to
taper, you freakin' taper!

One of the most talked about concepts in endurance running is the pre-race “taper” or the gradual decrease of training leading up to a race.  In the running community, this strategy is devoutly followed as if it were handed down from a burning bush atop Mount Sinai (“Thou shall not toil strenuously upon the eve of a mighty contest.”).

Tapering is usually vital if you want to ensure fresh legs for a competition, but the amount of reduction needed depends on the race.  For a marathon, I’ll start my taper about three weeks prior to the actual competition.  This doesn’t mean I stop running altogether.  Rather, I’ll gradually decrease the volume of running.  For a tune-up 12k (7.5 miles) like this, however, I essentially train through it.  Here is what my training log looks like this week:

DAY	WORKOUT	RESULT
Monday	10 miles @ Easy Pace	1:22:33 min. 8:15 min/mile
Tuesday	Stationary Bike	60 min.
Wednesday	6 miles @ Easy Pace	46:40 min. 7:46 min/mile
Thursday	4 miles @ 12k Race Pace	27:05 min. 6:46 min/mile
Friday	4 miles @ Easy Pace	TBD
Saturday	2 miles @ Easy Pace	TBD
Sunday	RACE DAY (7.5 miles)	TBD

While there is no significant rest building up to Sunday, I’m confident that my body will be fresh and ready to go come Sunday morning.  Besides, I always run a couple miles the day before a race, just to make sure all of the bits and pieces still work.

Pre-race Food

Bagel + Handful of Skittles + Gu Packet = Puma’s recipe for total dominance.

KABLAMO!

You have been warned.

Warm Up

Many people develop pre-race routines that typically include jogging to warm up the muscles, stretching thoroughly, and finally running some striders at race pace to make sure the body is ready.  Sounds boring, huh?

Here’s a checklist of pre-race activities that I typically complete before a competition starts:

• Pretend to be a Race Official and give other competitors directions to the wrong starting point.
• Still dressed as a Race Official, tell competitors that the race was cancelled, and they should expect a full refund in the mail.
• Secretly fill up competitors’ Camelbaks with vodka instead of water.
• Make fellow competitors feel self-conscious about their running motion before the race starts, thus eliminating any confidence they possessed.
• Let competitors cut in line for the bathroom, but then lock them in the Porto-potty once they enter.
• Graciously offer to double knot competitors’ shoelaces for them, but then tie their shoes together instead.

Race Strategy

Last year, I completed this event with a time of 53:59, which is about a 7:14 minute per mile pace.  This year, I’m hoping to run about 2 minutes faster.

My general race strategy is fairly simple.  First, set an ambitious goal. Second, run the first few miles slightly faster than the goal pace. Third, hold on for dear life in the final miles.  If I collapse into the fetal position due to exhaustion (not fear this time) immediately after finishing a race, I consider it a huge success.

In addition to this broad strategy, I also create a specific plan for each race in which I compete.  I formulated this detailed plan with the help of my training partner, the motivational “Adolescent Karate Tortoise”, and my spirit guide, Han Solo (Don’t worry about it; I’ll explain in a later post).   Here is what my mile-by-mile strategy looks like for the Emerald 12k Across the Bay:

Start: Sprint out as fast as I can to get in front of the pack. Then, with the rest of the field behind me, start spinning uncontrollably with my arms extended and yelling “I’m a helicopter! I’m a helicopter!” at the top of my lungs.  It really freaks people out and sets the tone for the remainder of the race.

Mile 1: The first mile is pretty much all down hill, so after performing my patented “Helicopter Maneuver”, I’ll conserve energy for later stages of the race by rolling down the hill.

Mile 2: The second mile is made up of steep switchbacks that eventually lead racers to the pedestrian path of the Golden Gate Bridge.  The Adolescent Karate Tortoise is letting me borrow his grappling hook, so I’ll be taking a more direct route up to the Bridge.

Mile 3:  I’ll be harshly reminded that I'm not all that fond of heights as I battle vertigo running across the Bridge.

Mile 4: Take a brief moment to kiss solid ground once I’m off the bridge.  Hopefully a few competitors will trip over my hunched over body.

This image is self-explanatory

Mile 5: The race continues along the path next to Crissy Field.  Since runners are now at sea-level, it’s perfectly safe to push competitors into the Bay, so let the shoving commence! Endurance running is a full contact sport when Puma is in the race (I’ve been lugging this American Gladiators jousting lance [see: giant Q-tip] around for 5 miles, I might as well start using it!).

Mile 6: Change course markers as I go by them with the goal of misleading the remaining runners (see: slow-pokes) behind me.

Mile 7 to Finish: Run "balls-to-the-walls" until I cross the finish line, all the while yelling “Your shoe's untied!”, hoping to get all the runners around me to momentarily look down, and thus, lose speed as they charge towards the end.

So there you have it.  That’s the current plan of attack heading into this weekend’s race.  Check back in Tuesday for the highly anticipated results post.

P.S.  I forgot to mention that it's important to always check the weather on race day. Sunday's forecast = Rainy with a chance of "Vanilla Thunder" (The name I go by when I ball it up at Harlem's Rucker Park).

The Shoe Issue

A wise man once said, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."  Now, I'm all for stealing other people's belongings, but you can't just slap a random pair of L.A. Lights onto those hooves you call feet and set out on a run.  That would be crazy, and not the "Oh man, spring break in Cabo was crazy" type of crazy.  The "Charlie Sheen, 'they picked a fight with a warlock'" type of crazy:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body." -- Charlie "Why Don't You Believe I'm Sober?" Sheen

I don't care if the other competitors
were 7 years old, Dusty Hammer and
"The Vanquisher" just taught those 2nd
Graders a very valuable lesson:
Don't mess with Dusty Hammer
and "The Vanquisher"!

Finding the proper pair of running shoes is essential if you hope to achieve even a fraction of the success I've experienced in my lifetime.  Think about it.  Would King Arthur engage in battle without his trusty sword, Excalibur?  Would Willie Nelson perform at a concert without his trusty bong, Ole’ Smoky?  Would potato sack race legend Dusty Hammer compete in the annual Idaho Spuds Potato Sack Dash without his trusty sack, “The Vanquisher”?  You get the point.

So what should you look for when selecting a pair of running shoes?  This is actually an extremely complex question, and it can’t be answered in an illogical and semi-incoherent blog post, no matter how tall and sexy the author may be.  If you’re foolishly looking for me to actually provide some valuable insight, well…ha…this is definitely your first visit to Peace with Inches.  Welcome, and prepare to be sorely disappointed (That’s what he said).  If you're searching for the the appropriate shoe for your style and foot type, I recommend visiting a running store (a store that specializes in running; not a general sporting goods store).  At the very least, you should consult the most up-to-date reviews put out by the magazine, Runner’s World. The Spring 2011 article can be found at: 

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-400--13825-0,00.html

Having said that, I’ll now share my own hilarious, yet ultimately useless, insights on the topic.  These are really just random observations on some of the options out there.

Asics:  The Puma’s current brand of choice.  One of the few brands that doesn't melt right off my feet when I lay down scorching fast race times.  They even remain intact after my wickedly seductive (yet humble) victory dances.    

Nike:  For the longest time, Nike was the scorn of many serious endurance runners.  It seemed like their designers put an emphasis on aesthetics, at the cost of insignificant little things, such as comfort and durability.  Over the past couple of years, however, Nike has tried to revamp their image within the running population, and unlike those desperate Taco Bell commercials concerning the quality of their “beef”, Nike’s actually had some success.

On a slightly related note, almost all Nike Running shoes are “Nike+” compatible.  If you purchase the Nike+ package, you get a chip that goes into the sole of your shoe and a device that plugs into into your iPod or iPhone.  When used in combination, the Nike+ gear gives audible speed and distance readouts.  The program also provides motivational messages throughout the training process, if desired.

I tried the Nike+ program, and I can’t say I’m a fan.  There are a couple of problems.  First, the speed and distance measurements are fairly inaccurate, even after recalibrating the device.  I could, however, deal with that on a day-to-day basis.  My bigger gripe is that the supposedly motivational messages are extremely creepy.  Imagine my surprise when Lance Armstrong unexpectedly started talking to me in the middle of an evening training session.  The only thing this message motivated me to do was crap my pants in terror.  How would you like to be running by yourself, when you suddenly hear: 

Just out for a shirtless stroll on the boardwalk. Can you say
Bro-mance?

“This is Lance Armstrong. You’ve just completed your first mileage goal.  Great work!  Keep it up!... By the way, you look so peaceful when you sleep.  Also, you might want to get that mole on your butt checked out by a doctor.  I know from experience.” 

Ok, I might have made that last part up, but having Lance whisper sweet nothings in my ear doesn’t exactly get my motor going.  Maybe that works for his hetero life-mate, Matthew McConaughey, but not this guy.   

Addidas:  I’ve been told that Addidas does in fact produce a line of running shoes, though I can’t say I’ve ever tried a pair.  Their top of the line model incorporates BOUNCE™ technology, which is supposed to “optimize energy return and step-in comfort.”  However, those of you who watched Nickelodeon in the late 80’s and early 90’s most likely recognize this technology to be a more streamlined version of the old “Moon Shoes”.  Sure, those mini-trampolines look like fun and go great with a tuxedo, but I wouldn’t want to run a marathon in them.

 

EQUALS

K-Swiss:  Who cares if their shoes are any good? If they keep making commercials like this, I will buy whatever they're selling.

“Tubes. If you don’t like them, then change your mind.”

Brooks:  Haven’t used these shoes very much over the past several years, but they have a shoe called “The Beast” so at least their hearts are in the right place.

Saucony:  Not sure how to pronounce it, so I definitely won’t wear it.

Friends don't let friends
run in Aquasocks!

Vibram:  The Vibram “FiveFingers” seem to be gaining popularity these days, though I’m not eager to jump onto the rubber moccasin bandwagon.  If you want, you can pay me the $80 you would spend on these heavy-duty Glad bags, and I’ll just repeatedly bash your feet with a meat tenderizer.  I think the long-term effect will be relatively similar. 

Teva Sandals & Black Socks:  Though stylish, this combination offers very little in terms of support.

The black socks really accentuate those lean and pasty calves.

Barefoot:  Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who run entire marathons barefoot.  I personally encountered one of these runners during the San Diego Marathon.  Not only were this man’s feet completely bare, but he also ran the entire marathon in cut-off jean shorts and waist-length, billowing hair that flowed behind him like a cape.  I don’t know if there is actually a heaven, but I’m pretty sure this being was an angel.