Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Well, the Emerald Across the Bay 12k came and went, and it pains me to inform you that I, Puma, was dethroned as the Clydesdale Champion on a stormy Sunday morning.  The damp and windy conditions made for a sluggish day of racing on the Golden Gate Bridge, leading to slow times across the board.  The overall winner of the race finished with a time of 37:36, a full minute and forty-five seconds off the fastest time last year (35:51).  Even the legendary Puma could not tame Mother Nature on this day (Current Score: Puma—71, Mother Nature—3), as my time was 26 seconds slower than last year’s result (53:59).

After the dust settled, I finished 4^th in an extremely competitive Clydesdale Division and 239th overall (out of 2024 official finishers).  This just proves at least three full-bodied competitors were better cheaters than I.  Yet another reason why I’m campaigning for mandatory drug testing before every recreational endurance race.  I’m sick of losing to juiced-up Neanderthals.  Besides, I’m pretty sure I saw the winner of the Clydesdale Division go by on Roller Blades.      

So all in all, it was a day of mixed results and mixed emotions (as a lone tear falls onto a mashed keyboard).  I intended to give a mile-by-mile recap of the race at this point, but ultimately decided that to recount the event in such a manner would be trivial and boring.  Instead, I will now describe my experience at the Emerald Across the Bay 12k as of a Lord of the Rings-stlye fantasy saga:

Puma and The Emerald Dragon Who Also Shot Lasers Out of His Eyes

Puma awoke from his uneasy slumber as the wind and rain pummeled his straw hut.  He gained no respite during the night, for he was consumed by the mighty challenge lying before him.  Soon, the sun would climb over the eastern mountains, and a mighty battle would commence.  

Ok, I know what you're thinking, but it's a lot
easier to draw a lovable dragon.

For too long has the dickish Emerald Dragon known as Twelvekay tormented the kind-hearted-yet-somewhat-snooty inhabitants of Francisconia.  From the flannel-wearing Hipsters of the Mission Province, to the ale-chugging dwellers of the Marina Quarter, all had tasted the unforgiving wrath of Twelvekay.  When the mayhem grew too fierce, the Francisconians begged the mighty Puma, who was a direct descendant of the Clydesdale clan and lived in the far off village of Burlingshire, to slay the fearsome Emerald Dragon.

Now, the day of the battle had finally arrived, and the handsome and brawny Puma thought intensely of the challenge that lies before him.  He took his morning tinkle in ye olde bedpan and then valiantly adorned himself with his magical short-shorts.

…Then some other stuff happened, but it’s boring so I’m going to skip right to the epic fight scene that will make the giant battle in Braveheart look like an episode of Dora the Explorer…

Twelvekay, the dickish Emerald Dragon arose promptly at 8:30am, as the sun continued its ascent in the morning sky.  He bellowed out a loud roar that sounded as if a race official had blown an air horn into a microphone (I might need to work on my similes).  Though a lesser man would have crapped his pants upon hearing that fowl sound, Puma’s magical short-shorts remained free of excrement, for he does not fear dragons, even ones that can, for some unexplained reason that is not critical to the plot of this story, shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

So the two ferocious beings commenced violent and sweaty combat atop the high Fortress of Baker, which is nestled in the hills of Sausalitoland.  Puma, fueled by Skittles and rage charged courageously at the mighty beast.  Twelvekay was momentarily stunned by the boldness and stupidity of his chiseled attacker.  The dragon’s fire-breath and laser-eyes could not stop Puma from delivering a mighty blow into the underbelly of the beast.  The force of this attack caused both Puma and Twelvekay to tumble down the mountainside, ultimately coming to rest at the Sausalitoland coast.  Puma’s energy level was high, and for the first 6:20 minutes of the fight (1 mile marker), he dominated the Emerald dragon like the beast was his prison girlfriend.

Twelvekay, realizing he was outmatched at sea level, struggled free of Puma’s Kung Fu Grip, spread his mighty wings and soared atop the famous Iron Gateway Bridge of Francisconia.  Puma pursued the serpent up a steep and treacherous mountain, slowing his pace in the hopes of conserving energy for the remaining battle.  Once he reached the mountaintop, Puma sprinted onto the bridge, dodging multiple fireballs and laser beams.  As the valiant warrior charged over the sea, the chicken-sh#t Emerald Dragon stayed just out of reach of Puma.  To make things even more difficult for his handsome pursuer, Twelvekay flapped his colossal wings, creating powerful winds that threatened to blast Puma to a watery and shark-infested grave hundreds of feet below.  The difficult climb and gusting winds slowed Puma significantly and robbed him of much energy.  This was especially true since his Skittles-induced adrenalin rush was beginning to wane. 

Pictured from Top to Bottom: The Emerald Dragon, Puma, Puma's Magical Short-Shorts, Sharks
(Picture not drawn to scale)

 

To this point, the legendary combatants had been wrestling (in a non-homoerotic manner) for exactly 28 minutes and had traveled exactly 4 miles.  The Emerald Dragon had successfully weathered the aggressive start by his zealous challenger.  He and Puma were now on a level playing field as the fight continued along the Francisconia coastline.  Twelvekay, realizing that his tall and attractive foe was beginning to fatigue, continuously pelted Puma with molten-fire from his Sarah Jessica Parker-size nostrils and shot laser beams from his wee-beady eyes.  Even though his pace continued to fade, Puma still refused to relent.  He continued to battle with the Emerald Dragon and landed a forceful punch right to the snout of Twelvekay at the 6-mile mark.  Fearing that Puma might be catching a second wind, the massive serpent let out a blood-curdling screech, and rain from the clouds above poured heavily upon the weary fighter.

Still the fight raged on, now spanning over 50 minutes and 7 miles.  Puma, sensing that the end was near, dug deep into his massive onion sack for one last siege of the Emerald Dragon.  Channeling his Clydesdale forefathers, the brave combatant charged violently down the hill above the Fortress of Mason, shaking the ground with his every step.  Twelvekay defensively fired one last blast of fire, but Puma jumped through the wall of flames and landed a flying karate kick to the crotch of the stunned dragon.

Twelvekay let out a high-pitched squeal and fell to the ground.  After 7.5 miles and 54:25 minutes, the dragon looked at the exhausted warrior hunched over beside him, and said “Come on man, that really hurt! Not cool!” (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the dragon can talk. That’s pretty important to the conclusion of the story).  He then continued, “Your kung fu is strong, and you’ve proved to be a worthy foe.  We could continue this combat atop a mountain high until the end of time, OOOOOOR we could call it a stalemate and go get some sandwiches.  Maybe even play some ping pong in the game room of my lair.”

Puma raised his battle-worn face, looked squarely into the beady eyes of Twelvekay and said “Okie dokie.  Lead the way.”  Then, as the Emerald Dragon turned his back on Puma, the crafty warrior killed the gullible beast, because draws are for chumps.  The Francisconians let out a thunderous roar as Twelvekay’s lifeless body fell to the ground.  Puma, knowing that his task was finally complete, summoned his noble unicorn, Norbert, and began his long journey back to his humble straw hut.

So Puma did eventually finish his task and defeat the Emerald Dragon, though it was not his proudest victory.  If anyone asks, he will tell them that he killed Twelvekay in self-defense, because he’s pretty sure he saw the dragon reach for a gun. 

YE OLDE END