The legendary British distance runner Jack Lovelock once stated, "I have now learned better than to have my races dictated by the public and the press, so I did not throw away a certain championship merely to amuse the crowd and be spectacular." I, however, am going to respectfully disagree with Jack on this one. Yes, winning is extremely important, but what's the point if (a) nobody notices your triumph, and (b) your opponent doesn't feel totally humiliated after you defeat him? After all, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
I don't know the answer to that stupid question, because I don't spend much time in the boring forest. However, given the choice, which tree would you rather be: The isolated one in nature that nobody cares about or the one that falls on an unsuspecting double-wide after some hillbilly tries to saw it down? I think we can all agree that if we were trees, the second option would be the preferred way to go.
That is why Puma chooses to win with some "tasteful" (more or less) flare. After the race is over, the other competitors undoubtedly know that their sad and pathetic lives were forever rocked by the one and only Puma. Then, to really rub their nose in it, I like to pile on the misery with some hauntingly spectacular victory dances. I have countless numbers of celebrations at my personal disposal. They have been perfected over the years and have crushed many a soul.
At this point, you are probably wondering how you can develop your own spectacular celebratory rituals. Well the formula looks something like this:
To conclude this post, I included some of the greatest victory celebrations of all time to help inspire your own efforts:
1) Soccer Hooligans -- The redeeming quality of this celebration is the ridiculousness. The other team should definitely feel bad about letting this team of idiots score a goal against them. They very clearly spend all of their practice time rehearsing mildly homoerotic victory celebrations.
However, they can't all be winners. Here is the same soccer team, but they definitely missed the mark on this one. A couple of questions come to mind: (1) Who thought this was a good idea? (2) Who says "yes" when a teammate asks him to pretend to be a toilet?
2) Gridiron Greats -- "If you don't like us dancing don't let us get in the endzone."
3) Drop It Like It's Hot -- When you put this much thought and preparation into your victory celebration, you better make damn sure you win. Otherwise, you'll be the loser who just got doused with a fire extinguisher for no gosh darn reason.
4) Ping Pong Prancer -- I'm sure you've probably seen this clip, but it ranks as one of the best ever. It gets extra points for both the short-shorts and the copious amounts of pelvic thrusts. By the end of the clip you don't ever care that the guy is down 10-1 and that, my friends, is the true victory.
…And we’re back. I apologize for skipping last Friday’s post, but sometimes pesky responsibilities can get in the way of even the most irresponsible people.
Last week, I noted that my training program for the Long Beach marathon started recently, despite the fact that the race is over 5 months away. Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into the very complex and technical running schedule I use to prepare for my marathons. However, before we dive into the specifics, I must first convey the mythical origins of the Puma’s highly-coveted training program, commonly referred to as “The Run-etta Stone”:
It was a cold and stormy knight, and a twenty-one year old Puma had just finished zipping up his footy pajamas. He was sleepy from his long day of arts and crafts activities, so he climbed into his plastic race car bed in the hopes of getting a good night’s sleep. After he laid his head upon his pillow and pulled his Jurassic Park bed sheet up to his chin, he closed his eyes and quickly fell fast asleep.
With his long legs dangling over the end of the tiny, yet totally age-appropriate bed, Puma suddenly drifted off into a mysterious dream world. When he came to, the pajama-clad Puma found himself on top of snowy mountain peak. Though confused and a little bit hungry, Puma forged forward, looking for any possible signs of life. As he climbed down the rocky mountainside, the bewildered hero stumbled upon a deep cave with a faint light emanating from within. Thinking there might be a shiny and entertaining object in the cave, Puma courageously entered the intimidating hollow (that's what he said).
As he drove deeper into the cavern, the light grew brighter and brighter. The glow finally grew so bright that Puma had to avert his eyes from the overpowering glare. Lucky for Puma, however, he always keeps a pair of Elton John-style sunglasses in his pajama pockets, so he dramatically placed his kickin’ shades on his face and continued toward the shimmering object.
When he finally gazed upon his target, Puma was amazed to find a tattered and torn book illuminated by a Star Wars nightlight. On top of the book was a scribbled note:
Dear Chewbacca Puma,
I bestow upon you this epic training guide to help you on your quest for endurance greatness. Follow this program closely, and you shall be victorious, just like that time we brought down the Empire with nothing but a tribe of furry teddy bears wielding sharp sticks. How weird was that?
By the way, Luke has been a real prick since he became a Jedi, and Princess Leia is constantly nagging me these days. It’s all “nerfherder this” and nerfherder that.” What the hell does that even mean?! Anyways, heed the teachings of this guide and you'll make point five passed lightspeed before you know it.
He'd kick the crap out
of your lame spirit
guide.
Your Spirit Guide,
Han Solo
P.S. How hilarious was it when that tin can, Boba Fett, got eaten by that sand monster? He was all, “No, don’t eat me, AAAAARG!” Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. That a-hole can suck it!
Just as Puma finished reading the note, he woke up in his familiar race car bed. At first he thought the whole thing was a dream, but then, to his amazement, Puma discovered that someone had both slipped the tattered training guide under his pillow and soiled his pajamas while he was sleeping.
The End?
Now, without further ado, here is a glimpse of my top-secret training guide:
The Puma was a little swamped this week, so he postponed his next post until Tuesday. He did however, provide this montage of piñata bloopers for his loyal readers. I'm not sure what it has to be with endurance training, but it is hilarious. This video is a tribute to the innovators who thought it would be a good idea to blindfold someone and then give them a blunt object to swing wildly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, piñata inventors.
Enough words, let's watch people getting hit with sticks!
Coincidentally, this brings me a very valid, yet
completely unrelated point:
Don't pick up hitchhikers.
Do you really want someone that even
Greyhound Lines deemed
untransportable in your car?
For those of you who are keeping track, the Long Beach Marathon is a mere 165 days away. Wait, is that right? 165 days? Well, it’s a good thing the Puma has the will and determination of…uh…well…something that has really strong will and determination…because he also has the attention span of…ooooohhh, shiny!…
(97 minutes later)
And I’m back. Sorry for the interruption, folks. We here at Peace With Inches just encountered some…uh…technical difficulties…
Yes, that will cover up nicely. The nincompoops reading this will never suspect that I was just distracted by a piece of tinfoil. To tell you the truth, I’m still not convinced the majority of them can read. I think they’ve just been coming to this site for the bright colors and pretty pictures.
What’s that? I’m typing every thought that comes to my mind, you say? Crap. Well, I don’t believe in editing, so just leave it in there. Maybe we can pass it off as a belated April Fools joke. Yeah, I bet those gullible suckers would fall for that. What? I’m still doing it? S#!t! I blame this on lack of adequate supervision. You know I can’t be trusted with technology.
This is some weather we’ve been having in our respective cities, huh? Diversion achieved.
Anyways, if my math is correct (it's usually not), the Long Beach Marathon is a little over five months away. This may seem like a long time to some, but with the ever-growing popularity of endurance racing, runners must commit to these events almost a full year in advance to ensure a spot at the starting line. While it’s somewhat of a gamble to pay non-refundable entrance fees months in advance, financially committing to the endeavor serves as a yet another motivator on your quest to complete a marathon.
So it's with fresh legs and laser-focus that the Puma begins training in earnest for his next challenge. If he's going to achieve his ambitious goals, "Vanilla Thunder" (okay, nobody calls me this...yet) is going to need to make the most of all 165 days. Consider this post an introduction to the journey that lies ahead. Friday's entry will cover the Puma's training program building towards to the marathon.
Now, for no apparent reason whatsoever, I will get back to the hitchhiking point I made in the caption above. Seriously, don't pick up hitchhikers, because they are all like this, except less hilarious (though the hitchhiker's [Harland Williams] murderous level is about right):
I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid question." I, however, see that statement as a challenge. If a truly stupid question does exist somewhere in the world, I vow to discover and ask it at the most inappropriate time possible. I'll let you know how this quest progresses, but today's post isn't about me. It's about you, the loyal reader.
As promised, "The Puma" will reach deep into his mailbag (not to be confused with Puma's "male bag") and answer your questions. To commemorate this momentous occasion, I asked the two most iconic mailmen ever to be here. Unfortunately, I could only get these guys to show up:
So without further ado, I give you episode 1 of the new segment, "Puma Solves Your Problems":
1. GM asks “Did any role models help inspire you to reach undiscovered levels of endurance awesomeness?”
A: Short answer = NO. Long Answer = HELL TO THE NO.
2. On a related topic, BK asks “Is it weird to you that while Chuck Norris is the idol of many, only you are the idol of Chuck Norris?”
A: Yes, it is true that Chuck Norris does in fact idolize the one known as “The Puma,” but I try to distance myself from Walker Texas Ranger whenever possible. It’s my personal belief that Mr. Norris is a turkey of the jive variety.
3. Random Police Officer asks “Seriously sir, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”
A: What are you, the pants police? Don’t worry about it.
4. BK also asks “Have you ever had to purchase flame-retardant running shoes to keep yourself from catching fire as you set a blistering pace?”
A: Very good question. My shoes usually melt off my feet around mile three, but I have a crack team of NASA scientists working on the issue…and by “crack team of NASA scientists,” I mean a high school Chemistry student wearing a lab coat…and by "a lab coat," I mean a SpongeBob SquarePants sweatshirt. Come to think of it, I’m not sure that kid was in high school. Who the hell did I give my shoes to?
5. PF asks “In an earlier post, you mentioned that a runner should gauge their fitness level before training seriously. Do you have some sort of rating system?”
A: I’m glad you asked. Here is The Puma’s very scientific fitnessometer:
6. RO asks “Puma, I don’t have much luck with the ladies. If I start running, will I be more attractive to the opposite sex?
A: Opposite sex. Same sex. Hell, even the more intelligent monkey species are going to want you. You will, quite literally, be fighting them off with a stick (stick pictured at right). It’s important to remember, however, that it doesn’t matter who makes the first move, hugging a monkey will still get you kicked out of the zoo.
7. FH asks Does this look infected to you?
A: I’m not sure you truly understand how this segment works. I can’t actually see you right now, so any guess would be a wild stab in the dark. General rule of thumb though: If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.
8. JA asks “If an evil scientist stole some of your DNA and cloned an evil version of you, could you beat the “Evil Puma” in a race?
A: An evil version of myself? I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t have one of those…anymore. But to answer your question, I would win every time. While “Evil Puma” and I are equally matched physically, he would waste time pouring sugar into people’s gas tanks and stealing candy from babies (which is harder than it looks…er…or so I’ve heard).
Well, that wraps up today's segment. I'm sorry if I didn't get to your question, but don't worry, I'll most likely answer it in the next installment of "Puma Solves Your Problems." Remember, you can submit your questions anytime by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com. Tune in next Tuesday for a thrilling update of Puma's current training program.
I’m not sure if you’ve looked at a calendar lately, but we are rapidly approaching Easter Sunday (or as my friends of other religions know it, “Zombie Jesus Day”). Growing up, Easter was my favorite holiday because it inexplicably combines two of my deepest passions…delicious candy and heated competition.
Coloring by MM
However, for the past 15 years or so, rather than feel excitement or joy when I wake up early Easter morning, I’m filled with disappointment and despair. At this point you may be wondering why Puma has turned into Debby Downer all of a sudden. The solution to that little riddle can be summed up in three words: NOEGGHUNT
That’s right, apparently that a-hole known as “society” deems it inappropriate for an adult to frolic around a garden, searching for colorful plastic eggs containing candy and pocket change. Well, I for one will stand tall and say NO MORE! For too long have children unfairly monopolized this enjoyable and fulfilling activity! For too long have I missed the feeling of exhilaration one gets during a charge towards a hidden egg (not to mention the feeling of smug satisfaction one gets from pushing a competitor out of the way)! Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived! It’s time to take egg hunts back! [insert standing ovation here]
“But Puma, how will you ever achieve this lofty goal?!” First of all, hysterics aren’t going to help the situation, so calm down, pal. I’ve already got this whole thing planned out. We'll start the movement with an adults-only egg hunt with a little bit of an endurance running twist. Picture the most fun you've ever had in your life. Now multiply that by infinity, and you will be somewhere in the ballpark of how much fun you'll have at this event.
Now, without further ado, I introduce you to “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.” All who are legally allowed to consume alcohol are welcome!
Here is an explanation of how the competition is going to work:
The Basics
The race consists of a 5k-racecourse with numerous eggs (filled with all types of candy, loose change and drink coupons) hidden throughout the course.
To start, the event coordinator will fire a shotgun (yes it must be a shotgun) into the air, and all competitors will begin.
All competitors will be timed until completion of the 5k-course and must finish the full distance to receive an official result.
The time it takes the competitor to complete the course is deemed the “unadjusted time.”
The Twist
The plastic eggs will be three different pastel colors: green, blue, and yellow. For each egg that a competitor finds and maintains control of (you must still have the eggs in your possession) across the finish line, the competitor will receive a time deduction off their “unadjusted time.”
Green Eggs = 5 second deduction
Blue Eggs = 10 second deduction
Yellow Eggs = 30 second deduction
At the end of the race, eggs will be counted and time will be deducted from the “unadjusted time”. The resulting number will be known as the “Official Race Time.”
The Kicker
To add even more excitement, “The Puma’s Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race” will incorporate one of the most beloved children’s game of all time: tag. There will be someone dressed as an Easter Bunny chasing after competitors.
If the Easter Bunny tags a competitor, they must sacrifice one of their eggs.
If the competitor does not have an egg at the time they are tagged, they will be forced to sit for one minute in the “Porto-potty of Shame.”
The Glory
The Grand Prize (still to be determined) will be awarded to the competitor with the lowest “Official Race Time.”
Additional prizes will be awarded to:
The competitor with the fasted “unadjusted time.”
The competitor who collects the most eggs.
The Festivities
At the end of the race, competitors can cash in their drink coupons for booze and chow down on their copious amount of candy.
So there you have it. This is Puma’s foolproof plan to take back egg hunts. We can finally enjoy the exhilaration of discovering hidden eggs without having to worry about the parents of weeping children (cry babies) beating us up or calling the cops.
While it is a little too late to organize the event this year, stay tuned to Peace With Inches for details on future events, including the Inaugural “Non-Denominational Painted Egg Hunt/Endurance Race.”
I think I just rose to the top of this cat's "People to Kill" List.
Do you love and appreciate the Peace With Inches blog posts, but have a hard time reading all of those confusing words? Well, fret no more you semi-literate heathen, because today’s entry, which covers the value of cross-training, is dominated by easy to comprehend visual aids! The pie chart below illustrates this post's ratio of words to pictures,
...Whoops, wrong pie chart. This is the one I meant to show you:
Cross-training can be a useful tool in the endurance runner’s tool belt. It’s not as useful as a powerful electric drill or bad-ass hammer, but it's definitely better than that stupid flathead screwdriver nobody ever uses. First, a runner can keep their exercise routine interesting by adding some variety. Second, if cross-training is done properly, it can also help a runner avoid injuries. Biking and swimming are probably the two most common exercises that runners incorporate into their weekly workout routine, but I like to spice things up a bit. For a thrill-seeking athlete like Puma, pumping his legs on a Big Wheel and splashing around in the water is boring as hell. Here are a few of my challenging cross-training exercises:
Bear Fighting
He may he smarter than the average bear, but I'm crazier and more violent than the average human.
Shark Punching
Don't feel bad for him. I'm pretty sure that shark is racist.
Simultaneous Cycling & Weightlifting
You get the gist.
I also like to engage in the occasional knife fight with Chuck Norris (not pictured), but that's just for fun, not sport.
Remember to send your questions to peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com for the upcoming "Puma Solves Your Problems" segment. So far, the most common questions have been "Who are you?" and "How did you get in here?"
Have you ever wondered what the Puma thinks of motion pictures that prominently feature running? NO?! Well too bad, jerk! He’s going to tell you anyway! So grab some popcorn, take a seat, and try that classy “yawn and stretch” move on your significant other, because the inaugural Peace With Inches movie review is coming at you…right now!
Before diving into the insightful critique, I’ll describe the advanced rating scale with which I will judge all movies. Using a very complex and well-thought-out formula that accounts for (1) storyline, (2) overarching themes, (3) subplots, (4) dialogue, (5) cinematography, (6) actor performances, (7) actor attractiveness, (8) amount of nudity, (9) number of explosions, (10) inclusion of talking animals, (11) whether the cast includes Christopher Walken, (12) number of training montages, and finally, (13) whether I’m hungry at the time, I give the movie one of five possible designations. From best to worst, these designations are:
1)The Last Crusade
2)Raiders of the Lost Ark
3)The Temple of Doom
4)Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
...and finally...
5)MacGruber
The first four designations are based on my rankings of the Indiana Jones series, and the last one is a 2-minute SNL skit that someone stretched into an hour and half torture session, losing 1.5 million dollars in the process. It’s with this scaling method in mind that I’ll begin my review of today’s movie, Run Fatboy Run.
Run Fatboy Run (2008)
If you’ve ever fantasized about an unfit Simon Pegg running a marathon in a pair short-shorts and a “National Erectile Dysfunction Awareness” t-shirt, then you sir, need to seriously reassess what you're doing with your life. However, this is the memorable image that one is left with after watching the sincere comedy, Run Fatboy Run.
Dennis Doyle (Pegg) making sweet, sweet love to
that stationary bike. He said he would call
afterwards, but never did.
In the movie, down-on-his-luck Dennis Doyle (played by Pegg) is an unfit security guard who spends most his days chasing down lingerie-thieving transvestites. It’s not until his baby-mama (whom he left at the alter five years earlier) enters into a serious relationship with first class a-hole, Patches O’ Houlihan (Hank Azaria), that Doyle attempts to break out of his rut. In a last-ditch effort to show the woman he loves (Thandie Newton) that he can change, the lovable bloke vows to complete a marathon. Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get whackier, some other stuff happens…moving on.
First of all, I appreciate that the main character in this movie runs a marathon to both gain respect AND stick it to his romantic rival. Deep down, both you and I know that the greatest achievements in this world are always fueled by spite and vindictiveness. It’s like I always say, what’s the point of doing something if you can’t rub it in another person’s face later? But I digress.
The movie follows Doyle closely as he battles both his inner demons and his outer flabbiness in an effort to gain the respect and adoration of his former bride-to-be. Directed by David Schwimmer (yes, the whiny guy from Friends), Run Fatboy Run also tries to depict some of the physical and mental challenges that an endurance runner faces when competing in a marathon. Chaffing and blisters make prominent cameos during the movie, and Doyle ultimately stands toe-to-toe with “The Wall,” the dreaded mental block that constantly threatens to foil even the most ambitious of racers. This climatic scene, however, lacks any subtlety, making the portrayal more cheesy than illuminating, but this minor flaw is only offensive to the most serious of runners.
Overall, Run Fatboy Run is a fun and lighthearted movie that both runners and non-runners can appreciate. Simon Pegg’s heartwarming performance more than makes up for the movie’s lack of explosions and talking animals, and the witty dialogue (at least the lines I could understand) keeps the movie flowing at a entertaining pace. Therefore, the movie receives a rating of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
The absence of Christopher Walken and the fact that the only nudity in the movie is a pale-British man’s keister dropped Run Fatboy Run from the upper echelon of motion pictures, but it still finishes in the "Above Average" category. So add it to your Netflix queue, because while the movie won’t blow you away, it’s not like you have anything better to do.
If you’re anything like my parents, you’ve probably read this blog and thought to yourself, “This Puma fellow has way too much time on his hands,” and also “I’m pretty sure the doctor gave us the wrong baby when we left hospital” (Now that I think about it, this one might be unique to Mom and Dad). Well, up to two days ago, you would have been correct. A little background is probably appropriate here.
Justice may be blind, but at least
she has a kick-ass sword. That's an
adequate substitute for eyesight.
While I don’t like to discuss my life outside the realm of endurance training and competition, a quick summary of my professional experience is appropriate to today’s topic: balancing work and exercise.
Last year, I graduated from a top-tier law school with a very respectable GPA and passed the California Bar Exam (despite computer sabotage!), which, in this economic climate, is apparently worth diddly-squat. While fruitlessly pursuing permanent employment positions, I resorted to working as a Contract Attorney on temporary litigation projects whenever possible, because, well, I’ve grown accustomed to living indoors. When I launched Peace With Inches (you’re welcome, by the way), I’d just wrapped up a 3-month project and possessed some newly discovered free time. That luxury, however, has given way to the need to purchase food and keep a roof over my head. So watch out Lady Justice, because Puma just suited up (see: clipped on a piano key necktie), and he's going to rock that blindfold right off your face!
Like the majority of this blog’s readers (who are currently skimming this post at work), I now have to find time for my extensive endurance training while working at least 40 hours a week. Unfortunately, this means that I’ll be waking up between 5 and 6 a.m. most weekdays to workout. This may seem like an ungodly hour to many of you, but to me, that sounds a whole hell-of-a-lot better than working out at 7 o’clock p.m. after putting in a full day of work. This is my personal preference, because I like to relax and decompress after work (see: take a bubble bath in the candlelight and enjoy a good cry…”I did my best!”)
Here are some quick tips for finding some balance between work and training:
·Set a firm schedule—If your workouts are written down in your calendar, you will be less likely to blow them off. In addition, you'll feel a slight twinge of shame as you delete that appointment from your schedule.
·Know Thy Self—Don’t plan to workout early in the day if you aren’t a morning person. Your grumpy demeanor will make exercise less enjoyable, and thus, make it more difficult to keep up in the future. Likewise, if you're typically exhausted after work, suck it up and set that alarm. Those are really your only two options (unless you can take an extended lunch and have access to a shower at your office…or you could not shower. I don’t care. I don’t have to work with you).
·Prepare the Day Before—You’re more likely to workout if you prepared all of your gear the night before. The less logistical steps you have to take to exercise, the more likely you are to actually get out there and break a sweat.
·Blab About It—Tell coworkers and friends that you’re planning on working out. If you actually care about what those people think of you, you’ll gain just a little bit more motivation. You don’t want to be a liar, do you? DO YOU?!
I’m sure I could think of a few more, but time is short these days. To conclude this post, I included a video that symbolizes the perfect blend of the corporate and athletic worlds:
The Peace With Inches office party:
celebrating 1000 pageviews with our
downstairs neighbor, Leonard.
When Mark Zuckerberg launched The Facebook, the social networking site generated 22,000 pageviews in the first two hours. The revolutionary blog, Peace With Inches, is just slightly off that impressive pace, as it only took a mere 42 days to reach 1,000 pageviews. Watch out Zuckerberg, because those thundering, ever-present footsteps behind you belong to the Puma.
With this blog reaching its first milestone, it seems appropriate to briefly summarize where we’ve been so far on this magic carpet ride. However, before we begin our journey down memory lane, I want to introduce an exciting new segmentthat will allow you, the adoring public, to ask Puma your questions. The segment, called "Puma Solves Your Problems," will start up in the coming weeks, so send your questions in by emailing peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com. Whether you're an athlete looking for some advice on your training or a curious toddler who wants to know where babies come from, all questions are welcome.
It's now time for a nostalgic recap of some of the highlights so far. I created this picture montage to commemorate the blog'sfirst 1000 pageviews. The video serves as a tribute to some of the blog’s more influential characters, and it includes the memorable and captivating images of the first 13 posts. Every image in this montage has either been previously displayed or the subject matter of the picture has been referenced in the text of an earlier posting, except for one. I will give a signed picture of Chuck Norris to the person who can name that image first in a comment to this post. (Disclaimer: The picture is signed by me, Puma, not Chuck Norris. So you're trying to win a picture of Chuck Norris with Puma's autograph on it. Just want to be clear about that.)
So remember to send those questions to Puma at peacewithinchesblog@gmail.com, and stay tuned as Peace With Inches continues to develop and expand, enhancing your reading pleasure.
Update: In my first blog post, I challenged Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Robocop to a 20-mile trail race in which all competitors must roundhouse kick someone in the face at every mile marker. I'm still waiting for a response from all three of the so-called "tough guys" (though I did hear that Robocopsoiled his metal underpants in fright when he heard of the challenge).
When I walk into my local gym, three thoughts immediately pop into my head: (1) “What’s that smell?” (2) “Why is that elderly gentleman in the mesh tank top staring at me?” and (3) “Man, I wish I thought of iPods before Apple.”
They say a picture is worth a thousand
words, but when I look at this, only
one comes to mind: WHY?
Ever since Apple introduced their line of iPods to the public, music and exercise have been as inseparable as Richard Simmons and bedazzled tank tops. Whether it’s House music blaring during spin class or a sorority girl listening to the Spice Girls while reading a magazine on an elliptical (are you really that bored?), music and exercise are deeply intertwined. This may seem like a match made in heaven (like cowboys and ninjas), but as usual, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing.
If you, or someone you know is showing signs of Music Dependency, such as foregoing a trip to the gym because he or she left their iPod at home, contact Puma and I will personally enroll them in my carefully designed three-step program to battle the addiction (Step 1 = Throw iPod into wood chipper; Step 2 = Slap addict in the face; Step 3 = Take a nap).
Having said that, music plays a crucial role in athletics and, more specifically, endurance training. Could Rocky have single-handedly ended the Cold War without this epic training montage set to Wolf Parade’s “Hearts on Fire?” Of course not! Watch this video with the sound on. After you're done punch-dancing to the awesome tunes, mute your computer (DO IT!!), and watch the first part of the video again. Without the music, this is either an instructional workout program or a documentary about farming. Who can tell?:
Need further proof? Without the musical backdrop in the video below, this iconic scene from Chariots of Fire is just a bunch of skinny British guys running at the beach in their pajamas:
Both of these videos persuasively demonstrate the important role that music can play in endurance training. So how can you most effectively utilize musical motivation while exercising? Don’t worry, Puma’s here to help. After all, I may not truly understand the depth and power of music, but I appreciate the noise it makes.
Puma’s (Mostly) Foolproof Musical Strategy
1)Plan Ahead—Preselect songs before you start your exercise. This way, you won’t have to fiddle with your iPod while working out, freeing you of a costly distraction. Under no circumstances may you just hit shuffle and go to town. There is nothing worse then getting hit with a big dose of Hanson’s "MMMBop" when you reach the climax of your workout (and yes, I know it’s in your iTunes library. Don’t lie.).
2)Know What Motivates You—Each one of my playlists starts with an audio recording of my 3rd grade Physical Education teacher telling me I’d never amount to anything. This ritual fills me with the requisite level of rage to commence any workout (after a brief, five-minute cry session in my bathtub).
3)Select Workout Appropriate Songs— Tailor your playlists to the specific type of workout you’re trying to complete.
i.Long Runs—Focus, relaxation and rhythm are key when running 10+ miles. Slowing things down a bit musically can help achieve these elements of the run. I’m not saying you need to go all "Junior High Slow Jams" on that thing, but you’ll completely desensitize yourself to “Pump Up Jams” by trying to string together one to three hours of them on a playlist. So save Will Smith’s “Get Jiggy With It” for the very end of your workout, when you need an adrenalin boost.
Screw you, Iceman!
ii.Shirtless Beach Volleyball Games ala Top Gun—Pump up “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins, hit repeat, and spike that smug grin right off Iceman’s face!
iii.Speed Work—Okay, now it’s appropriate to blast your eardrums into an adrenalin-induced stupor. For example, here is one of Puma’s epically intense playlists. I save this bad boy for only the most difficult of workouts:
Song
Artist
Explanation
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”
Elton John
Nothing gets me pumped like an effeminate British vocalist talking about fighting. I imagine the fight would involve a lot of pulled hair, slapped faces, and a spilled appletini or two.
“Ninja Rap”
Vanilla Ice
Go ninja!
Go ninja!
Go!
Go ninja!
Go ninja!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
“It Wasn’t Me”
Shaggy
It helps me run faster if I imagine a furious woman chasing me with some sort of kitchen utensil…What? There actually was a furious woman chasing me with a kitchen utensil? Uh oh…
"Hips Don’t Lie"
Shakira
No sir, they do not.
My hips, on the other hand, are filled with gummy bears and deceit.
"Jesse’s Girl"
Rick Springfield
I like to pretend that I do, in fact, know someone named Jesse, and that I am, in fact, stealing that loser’s girlfriend.
"Hold My Hand"
Hootie & The Blowfish
I just really love me some Hootie.
Ghostbusters Theme
Ray Barker Jr.
You’ve got to bring it home strong.
“Who ya gonna call?” indeed.
4)Avoid Clichés—Under no circumstances should these songs appear on your training playlists (There is a specific exception, however, if you want to create an 1980's-style training montage with one of these songs in the background):
Eminem—Lose Yourself
50 Cent—In Da Club
Kanye West—Stronger
Guns & Roses—Welcome to the Jungle
Queen—We Will Rock You
Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me
White Snake—Here I Go Again on My Own
Kenny Loggins—Highway to the Danger Zone
Survivor—Eye of the Tiger
Europe—The Final Countdown
Journey—THE ENTIRE CATALOG
5)Use in Moderation—Leave the iPod at home sometimes. It’s important to learn how to run without constant musical motivation. That way you don’t diminish the influence of a carefully constructed playlist when you bust it out for important training runs. If used too often, the music will become a crutch, and being on crutches is frustrating. Especially when you can’t drive because your right foot is in a cast, so you need to bum rides from your parents, even though you’re well into your 20’s (true story).
In sum, music can be a valuable training tool for an endurance athlete, but like most things in life, it must be used in moderation. However, any way you slice it, utilizing an iPod is definitely more efficient than how I used to get my musical motivation…paying a Wham! cover band to sing while I pull them behind me in a rickshaw. Who wouldn’t run fast with these guys trailing close behind?:
